Enough already with the pigs. When you receive any invitation that makes mention of gifts in any way, simply send a letter of regret that you won't be able to attend. If enough people start boycotting the greedy pigs, then maybe we'll go back to the pretense that weddings and births are about sharing a joyous occasion with those close to you, and not about hauling in the swag.

The letter writer should just inform the couple that for most retail stores a wedding registry qualifies as a gift receipt but also in most stores a gift receipt won't guarantee cash so much as store credit.

It will be a happy surprise for the couple when they return $500 worth of towels to Pottery Barn and are forced to spend that money in the store on more towels.

I have never understood why this is such an issue for some people. Maybe it's a generational thing? Why would you not want to get the couple exactly what they want? I included a registry with my wedding invitation (on the same insert as the directions and link to our website)--and so have all my friends. I even always give cash at weddings, since I know that's what a newly married couple really needs.

And I don't think you can call it greed--most guests at my wedding didn't even cover the cost of their lunches. Weddings are not a moneymaker for the young couple. At least let them walk away with a gift they'll want, use, and enjoy--in exchange for the good time you get to have on their dime.

marcparis:

Enough already with the pigs. When you receive any invitation that makes mention of gifts in any way, simply send a letter of regret that you won't be able to attend. If enough people start boycotting the greedy pigs, then maybe we'll go back to the pretense that weddings and births are about sharing a joyous occasion with those close to you, and not about hauling in the swag.

You don't think it's appropriate to list registry locations on shower invitations?

I think that what the LW received was pretty bad, but everyone I know puts their registry locations on shower invitations.

It's not a problem for wedding invitations because in NY everyone gives cash.

As for what the occasion should be about... my wife and I were happy to have anyone, gift or no gift at our wedding (and some people did not give gifts for whatever reason) and I agree with you that the day shouldn't be about that (and that the LW got a pretty strange invite). But that being said, I'm happy that registries exist, because people WILL bring gifts and not having to return 400 toasters the weekend after my honeymoon was a wonderful, practical thing.

It's not generational; it's more whether you were raised in a barn or not (sarcasm, in case you don't get it).

Telling people where you registered in your invite implies that they owe you something if they attend. Newsflash: they don't. YOU are inviting THEM because, one assumes, you want to share a momentous decision with them.

And your line about covering lunches? About them having a "good time on your dime"?

How, exactly, were you and your friends raised? Because I would love to know how you view inviting people to a party YOU decided to throw and then thinking "well, let's at least get something out of this" is appropriate (oh, and the thing you get out of it? THEIR COMPANY).

Say it's just a party at your house; are you charging admission? Asking everyone to bring something to eat/drink so you at least break even?

Please; people don't need friends like you: ungracious hosts who think everyone owes them something.

brymulder:

I have never understood why this is such an issue for some people. Maybe it's a generational thing? Why would you not want to get the couple exactly what they want? I included a registry with my wedding invitation (on the same insert as the directions and link to our website)--and so have all my friends. I even always give cash at weddings, since I know that's what a newly married couple really needs.

And I don't think you can call it greed--most guests at my wedding didn't even cover the cost of their lunches. Weddings are not a moneymaker for the young couple. At least let them walk away with a gift they'll want, use, and enjoy--in exchange for the good time you get to have on their dime.

Well, I don't know you, and I certainly don't want to offend. But your post is a demonstration of exactly what is wrong. When you "invite" people to your wedding, you are their host, and they are your guest. The very fact that you are considering their gifts in terms of financial compensation for your expense as a host shows that you do not really understand what the words "guest", "host" and "invite" mean.

I would suggest that if you want your guests to be able to offer gifts that you would really like to receive, you only invite those who are close enough to you to know your needs and your taste. Unless of course the goal is to invite as many people as possible to get as much loot as possible.

And no, good taste is not a generational thing. But it's true that far too many guests have gone along with this nonsense for far too long. But if that's not to your taste, perhaps for the next event you host, you could include an itemized bill so that people can just make out a check to you in the proper amount. You could even turn this into a business, and call it... a restaurant?

Ridry:

marcparis:

Enough already with the pigs. When you receive any invitation that makes mention of gifts in any way, simply send a letter of regret that you won't be able to attend. If enough people start boycotting the greedy pigs, then maybe we'll go back to the pretense that weddings and births are about sharing a joyous occasion with those close to you, and not about hauling in the swag.

You don't think it's appropriate to list registry locations on shower invitations?

Well, as you seem to have read my post, I think you know that the answer to that question is "no, it's not appropriate, it's extraordinarily vulgar".

Ridry:

I think that what the LW received was pretty bad, but everyone I know puts their registry locations on shower invitations.

Well, I think you might try to show better taste than that. But it's your choice.

Ridry:

It's not a problem for wedding invitations because in NY everyone gives cash.

I do imagine that among the tens of millions of New Yorkers, there are still a few who know better than that.

Naga, I frickin' love you. Will you marry me?

My advice and personal feelings are pretty much in contrast, but here it goes:

Give them a nice wedding etiquette book--and send it immediately so maybe they can manage not to offend people with the rest of their wedding. I would include the gift receipt with the book and draw attention to it, maybe with a comment in the gift note (most likely they would miss the point of this jab at their invitation)

That said, while I think the invitation in question is over-the-top, I pretty much think etiquette rules are stupid. I find it silly that people write books on all the things other people do wrong. As an example from this thread, I think it is stupid that wedding guests have to ask around to find out where the couple is registered, because it isn't "allowed" to be included with the invitation.

I find it stupid that people are inviting people so foreign to them that these guests have no idea what to offer as a gift unless they are given the catalog reference.

rapple37:

My advice and personal feelings are pretty much in contrast, but here it goes:

Give them a nice wedding etiquette book--and send it immediately so maybe they can manage not to offend people with the rest of their wedding. I would include the gift receipt with the book and draw attention to it, maybe with a comment in the gift note (most likely they would miss the point of this jab at their invitation)

That said, while I think the invitation in question is over-the-top, I pretty much think etiquette rules are stupid. I find it silly that people write books on all the things other people do wrong. As an example from this thread, I think it is stupid that wedding guests have to ask around to find out where the couple is registered, because it isn't "allowed" to be included with the invitation.

iscandara:

Naga, I frickin' love you. Will you marry me?

Oh, I'm charmed (who knew my temper could be so endearing?)... : )

You should only invite people that are close enough to you to know your tastes? What a wonderful idea. Now if I could only get Grandma to stop getting me kitty t-shirts for Christmas that she thinks are adorable, I guess I can invite her to the wedding. Just because someone is close to you doesn't mean that their tastes and yours are going to coincide or that the grandparent that you talk to every weekend on the phone knows that your toaster oven just called it quits.

the thing with new yorkers giving cash is a regional thing. and it makes loads of sense. now, i wouldn't want to be carrying hordes of cash on me, but i'm not gonna complain. :p my dad tipped ALL my vendors the day of the wedding in cash. this is on top of what i already paid them for their services and the tips i included. they made out like bandits! if everyone gives cash, the couple can make use of it as they please. personally, i'm not above giving a couple a check or cash or a gift card if i don't know them that well. b/c let's be honest here, in this day and age with ppl getting married later and later in life, thus having all the things they'd need already, cash or a check is just as nice as a toaster. you know it'll be very useful, won't get taken back for cash or something better. while it may seem impolite/rude/UN pc or whatever, at least it's honest. altho, any couple who doesn't need or want anything are screwed as well b/c they can't put an insert in that says they don't need anything b/c inserts are rude and ppl may think they're just being passive-aggressive if they do or don't. ppl can't win! ahhhhh! :p

mechancete:

You should only invite people that are close enough to you to know your tastes?

Wouldn't be nice if people could get away with that? For instance, I could either choose to invite people like my Great-Aunt Martha or deal with the family scandal and arguing that would occur if I didn't. I think that many people are invited to weddings due to family obligations.

Sorry, I didn't expand on the closeness thing: of course you invite your family. Presumably they know who to go to to find out what you really would like. And if you get something you don't adore? That's not the end of the world, folks.

PhysicsGirl:

mechancete:

You should only invite people that are close enough to you to know your tastes?

Wouldn't be nice if people could get away with that? For instance, I could either choose to invite people like my Great-Aunt Martha or deal with the family scandal and arguing that would occur if I didn't. I think that many people are invited to weddings due to family obligations.