If I hear another woman upset because their husbands "cheats" on them with pornographic images, I'm going to go nuts. Wake up, crazy little girls with purity fantasies! Wake up and understand that most healthy folks of the male AND female persuasion enjoy masturbating to porn. Period. End of story. No, crazy nuts, these porn-people are not satanic, demented or unfaithful.

In most cases, their activities either have zero negative impact on the relationship, or they improve it, or... surprise, the lack thereof destroys the relationship. In the LW's case, a man uninformed enough to have married her virginal and deluded self is also doing it in order to get a break from the hell of sexual restrictions that his life most likely is.

Dude, you married a psycho and you've just had a kid with her, which, in her world, sanctifies her and gives her the right to legislate about your sexuality. This is the beginning of a long stretch of misery. Prepare for a long-drawn divorce 10 years from now, after wasting more time and resources and making everyone miserable.

Signed,

a woman with a semblance of respect for her partner's happiness

While I agree that most people look at it, for a new mom, it's different. I've been there, and find Pru's advice a little too insensitive. Having a new child is a major change in your life that needs to be adjusted to, and its hard enough with supportive people around, but when your other half does this, you could be the open-minded person in the world and yet be struck by this.

The least he can do is validate her feelings, obviously an apology is not enough.

I agree with you, iscandara. I also got the impression that she's spending more time with the baby, leaving him on his own. If she's nursing, well then yes, she'll have to tend to the baby during the night, but he could also spend some of that time with her and the baby. I think underlying the pornography insecurity is a feeling that she wasn't being supported by her husband in caring for the newborn.

Btw, attitudes towards porn range from conservative to embracing to must-have for both men and women. 1) This couple ought to have discussed these attitudes before they were married (don't assume) and 2) the husband shouldn't be hiding his actions from his wife. The secrecy makes it all seem much worse (more like betrayal) than it is.

I just dont understand women - why do they think that just because their own body & sex drive have been temporarily derailed by having a baby, that their husbands' have as well??

Granted I havent yet had a child, so I dont know first hand how wildly emotional and crazy Im going to be in the first few weeks post-partum....

But it seems to me this woman was aghast to find evil, evil porn in her browser history - and if I had to guess, that part of it has nothing to do with the baby. I bet shes one of those anti-porn wackadoos who believe simply seeing other nude bodies on a screen is somehow marital infidelity.

As far as her comment about being up all night feeding the baby while hes having a "party" downstairs - are you kidding me? How long does it take the average dude to beat off? Im a woman and can get the job done in about 2 minutes if Im just feeling super horny and want to take the edge off. I doubt this guy is downstairs all hours of the night romancing himself, leaving her to tend to the baby!!

sorry - i actually read your title as "sexual parity" at first glance

i agree with your basic premise that the ocassional image of a silicone injected bimbo isn't going to send the male viewer out in an uncontrollable quest to violate his marriage vows

that said, she's possibly suffering from post partum depression, and they both have a communication issue here.

she feels she's "doing all the work" with the new baby, and he feels he's getting cheated out of his entitlement in the nooky environment.

anyone for the kind of frank conversation a wife and husband are SUPPOSED to be engaging in?

the kind of frank conversation a wife and husband are SUPPOSED to be engaging in?

Did you think you were on the Dr. Phil web site for a sec?!

I agree. If she wants him to spend more time with her and the baby then she should say so; don't make it about the porn if it's not about the porn. I'm guessing that the time she's feeding the baby at night is one of the few private opportunities he gets to "take care" of his needs. It probably takes all of a half hour. She should let it go.

There is a rare occasion when masturbating is cheating -- when it replaces one's partner. When a partner prefers it to intercourse, there's a problem. That may or may not be the case here.

This woman is pumped up with hormones and spending all day taking care of the infant. She's tired and feels more like a maid than a wife. She doesn't feel attractive, and now she's discovered that not only does her husband agree with that sentiment, he's also not kind enough to wait until she starts to feel that way again.

Being a spouse means that your spouse does have control over your body. (At least in my book. 1Cor 15) If he's so desperate to get some nookie, maybe he should help out more or even hire a babysitter and rent a hotel room so they can get some time to themselves. A spouse's first choice for sexual gratification should always be the partner, not the hand/toy of choice.

This supposed "problem" is inane. If any guy says he's not looking at porn, he's lying - and women need to let it drop. The only way this is an issue is if the woman needs to cause chaos and disrupt a relationship because she can't stand actually being close to someone.

It doesn't matter what YOU, the wife, would do - you didn't marry yourself. You married a guy. This is how we function. In fact, you should be worried if a guy is not looking at porn.. because that's when he probably is out cheating.

Of course this stuff happens when you're not having sex regularly.. the male biology is vastly different than the female's, and the pipes need to be cleaned all the time.

No, this shouldn't be a conversation, women - the schedule of this is the very definition of his space, his time.. and to think that it is something worthy of your thought is both intrusive and demanding. If you want to push him away and get him to check out of the relationship completely, go right ahead and try to control this. If you want a happy husband willing to be emotionally present, you'll let this drop. Choose one.

baltimore aureole:

anyone for the kind of frank conversation a wife and husband are SUPPOSED to be engaging in?

Oo! Me, me!

Someone mentioned earlier about secrecy. I don't think the man is being secretive about his porn, at least not until his wife cornered him about it. If one is being secretive the browser history would be gone, there would be separate user accounts, hidden files and folders, and so on. Essentially the porn would be as hidden as one can make it. The LW would not have been able to do a simple history check, just be glad she hasn't searched the actual files and folders on the computer.

" A spouse's first choice for sexual gratification should always be the partner "

You're planning on sleeping with your partner multiple times a day? For 40 years? Every time you use the word "should" .. beware, because you're judging someone else by your own standard.

Some people simply have different internal clocks. A woman who only wants sex twice a week can, in fact, discover that she's dating a guy who wants it every day. They're not wrong - they just need to understand each other's clocks, and work out an agreement.

And no, "He stops!" isn't an agreement.. that's a guaranteed breakup.

I'm married to man who's happy with once a week; I understand about frigid spouses and masturbation to maintain sanity.

My point was intercouse should be the first choice, not necessarily the only choice. Masturbation can be very helpful in keeping one partner sane due to a mismatch of sexual energy.

But one should not masturbate to the point that one ignores one's spouse. Is this guy trying to have sex with his wife and getting brushed off? Or has he just decided it's easier to just ignore her and get on with his own needs while she's taking care of the baby?

She is his wife. Her desire for sex should be just as important to him as his own. Maybe she's always been frigid and he's always been doing this. <i>If it hasn't caused a problem, probably no big deal</i> Maybe she was a sexual powerhouse but he couldn't stand her swollen pregnant body or has a madonna/whore complex. <i>If so, masturbating will slowly destroy the marriage, as she will want some relief.</i> Maybe she's just experienced a complete loss of libido with the hormonal changes of childbirth and in a few weeks will be like a cat in heat. <i>If so, I'm sure she would appreciate a very horny husband.</i> We don't know what's going on, and masturbation's role in the situation is not necessarily benign.

Being a spouse means that your spouse does have control over your body.

I'ma go with...this is the creepiest thing I've ever read. My spouse does not have control over my body. I control my OWN body out of respect for my spouse. And I'd never marry someone so naive as to think no married person masturbates. That's just ri-damn-diculous.

I think ya'll are missing a huge point, she found out 2 weeks postpartum, and it's now 6. She should be having sex ANYWAY.

And she's a freak for making such a big deal about this (although understandable with the hormone issue)

And he's a dolt for not thinking of her feelings (I mean dude, at least delete your browser history).

Have to agree with you on the creepiness factor of the "control" comment.

The only thing my fiance and I have regarding each other's bodies is trust that we will "control" ourselves and refrain from having sexual contact with other people.

Anything more than that seems unhealthy and overpossesive to me.