That's a hell of a simple response for what sounds to be a very, very complicated relationship. That question should definitely have been referred to a therapist.

Selene212:

That's a hell of a simple response for what sounds to be a very, very complicated relationship. That question should definitely have been referred to a therapist.

What's complicated about it? She said point-blank she wasn't going to stop. What's he supposed to do, knock her out and drag her to therapy? She's not struggling with her issues and having a hard time, instead she's chosen not to deal with them. I'm sure its a hard thing for him to do, but since she refuses to get her act together, the only thing left for him to do is tell her goodbye.

What's complicated in an 8-yr marriage that involved drug addition, theft, and rehab? Oh, nothing...

These are just not the kinds of situations that can be distilled into and solved in an online advice column.

Selene212 wrote the following post at 08/28/2008 6:03 PM:

What's complicated in an 8-yr marriage that involved drug addition, theft, and rehab? Oh, nothing...

These are just not the kinds of situations that can be distilled into and solved in an online advice column.

Well, actually, it is pretty simple. He's clean, she's not only not clean, but refusing to give up her ways. Attempting to stay in a relationship like that is completely codependent and it is pretty simple actually. It's the whole attempt to drag it out that is complicating it.

She's already stated where her head is. That's not going to change...so what, you shackle him to a life of attempting to change someone??? omg let me guess, you're the kind of person that also thinks when getting into a relationship "ohhhh if you love me enough, you'll change"....???

I agree with lhunter--if you are clean and your partner is not, the chances are you will relapse as well. I think this is simple--the woman has stated that she does not want to clean up. Who cares what her issues are? She is an adult, her husband has stood by her until now, and she has made a choice, as is her right.

However, he needs therapy regarding relationships and substance abuse. He is still thinking like a druggie. He wanted to know if it would be okay to see other people while she is in jail and that is typical of what is called "stinkin' thinkin'"; that everything revolves around them and their "needs."

As a counselor, I know you can't help people until they want to be helped, and sometimes the kindest thing to do for both them and you is to cut the ties.

The thing that I would be interested to see is how her jail time might change her. Obviously she'll have to get clean in prison and it just might stick. Who knows?

I agree 100% ! When one of you is clean and the other is not- and has no desire to ever change... what are your options? Either stay and risk a relapse or cut your ties and wish them the best. The husband MUST get therapy though. He still thinks like a druggie wanting to know if it was ok to cheat while his wife is in jail? Really.I agree with MoiraofAlexandria !!!

He sounds like a real catch too. So after he's dating again, he says something like, "my ex is in prison for shoplifting a second time. We used to do drugs together, but not anymore." At this point, his date will likely have to be excused to go to the bathroom. He's either going to find another loser, or he's going to be alone.

Lovethedoggies:

The thing that I would be interested to see is how her jail time might change her. Obviously she'll have to get clean in prison and it just might stick. Who knows?

Oooh... not. She'll have access to drugs. And lots of heterosexual sex.

Lovethedoggies:

The thing that I would be interested to see is how her jail time might change her. Obviously she'll have to get clean in prison and it just might stick. Who knows?

She's already been arrested multiple times, and if that isn't motivation enough, I don't know what is. Sure, she could change, but given how she insists on not changing, the LW shouldn't have to wait around. He has his own life to lead.

This is too complicated a question to deal with in an advice column. He says he is clean. I'm clean today too. But for how long? It's not something that happens on its own, it happens if you are working on it one day at a time.

If he's clean, he must have access to people who have lived with addicts. Alanon and Narcotics Anonymous groups come to mind. While she is in jail, she may be more motivated to start recovery, or not, but he can certainly tell her about the decision he is trying to make.

My family has been an invaluable asset to my recovery from addiction, but no-one can make someone stop using, no matter what.

Arachne646:

This is too complicated a question to deal with in an advice column. He says he is clean. I'm clean today too. But for how long? It's not something that happens on its own, it happens if you are working on it one day at a time.

If he's clean, he must have access to people who have lived with addicts. Alanon and Narcotics Anonymous groups come to mind. While she is in jail, she may be more motivated to start recovery, or not, but he can certainly tell her about the decision he is trying to make.

My family has been an invaluable asset to my recovery from addiction, but no-one can make someone stop using, no matter what.

It sounds as if he's been clean for quite some time. I'm familiar with the 12 step programs available to addicts, and some people approach recovery in a completely different way and some people are a lot more successful than others.

You're right, he can continue to encourage her to get help, but in the meantime, the relationship can only be detrimental to his recovery. Maybe send her a nice letter and some well meaning advice on how to get sober, but he's been stuck in limbo for a long time, ready to start fresh, but how do you get your head clear when you're stuck in an unhealthy, codependent relationship?

If this was an abusive relationship, would you say the same thing?