I don't agree w/ Dear Prudence, don't "let it go" on the husband/new dad viewing porn. Keep an eye on his behavior and make sure what happened to me doesn't happen to you --- 4 years down the road and a SURPRISE of a $3,000 bill hubby has been secretly paying to the DirecTV folks - watching porn with our darling 3 little girls asleep upstairs and me working 2 jobs (no I do not like porn and have told him dozens of times my views, and he "LIED" to my face saying he doesn't like it either). The fact he's hiding this right now, new mom (and Prudie) could mean worse down the road. Make sure you are both communicating A LOT and discussing opinions and ideas when it comes to sex and what is expected, needed, etc. That viewing of porn on their family computer is the first step to being untruthful and hiding things.

WI Wife:

I don't agree w/ Dear Prudence, don't "let it go" on the husband/new dad viewing porn. Keep an eye on his behavior and make sure what happened to me doesn't happen to you --- 4 years down the road and a SURPRISE of a $3,000 bill hubby has been secretly paying to the DirecTV folks - watching porn with our darling 3 little girls asleep upstairs and me working 2 jobs (no I do not like porn and have told him dozens of times my views, and he "LIED" to my face saying he doesn't like it either). The fact he's hiding this right now, new mom (and Prudie) could mean worse down the road. Make sure you are both communicating A LOT and discussing opinions and ideas when it comes to sex and what is expected, needed, etc. That viewing of porn on their family computer is the first step to being untruthful and hiding things.

Great point. Any husband who would actually PAY for porn during the Age of the Internet is a lousy provider and a moron. You should leave his ass.

You should also adjust your expectations should you ever remarry. When your partner suggests a sexual activty, rejecting him doesn't make the desire go away. It just makes him feel ... rejected. You may think he deserves to feel that way (indeed, I suspect you do), but it's not realistic to think feeling that way will make him any more loyal or honest to you.

Wow, poor guy. I wonder if he know marrying you would mean he would be expected to neuter his sex drive.

"watching porn with our darling 3 little girls asleep upstairs "

What does this have to do with anything? Does having "darling" children mean a father should not have a natural sex drive? Given your fierce and totally unreasonable nagging I'm not surprised he hid this from you. The one thing he should be cracked on for is paying 3k for porn. Seriously dude, get a DVD for 12.99 or just hit the internet. This lady seems to want to lobotomize her husband and cut out the part of his brain that deals with sexual stimulation and desire.

Expecting a man not to like porn is, shall we say, naive. However, using family money (and significant sums of it) to PAY for porn is unacceptable, I agree with you on that one. Not when there is an unlimited variety of free porn on the internet.

You're wholly and completely wrong with porn and lying.

You're using this as a cover for your desire to be intrusive, controlling, and demanding.

His expenses are ludicrous - I've never spent a dime on porn in my life - but his desire for porn is more than justified, because you surely don't satisfy him sexually.

Game up, naive girl - keeping him satisfied is not just an option, it's your job. You don't get to both not have sex with him and then whine about him looking at porn.

Of course men like porn! So do women! That doesn't make it okay. Some people don't mind a bit of porn. Some do.

When my now husband I were dating, I let him know about my feelings regarding porn, strippers, etc. He was free to indulge in said activities. And I was free to choose not to date him. This had been my stance with every man I had dated. It's my personal conviction. Nothing wrong with that.

Thing is, we discussed this and made an agreement that neither of us would use pornography BEFORE we got married. So no ugly, suprise DTV bills.

You are setting yourself up for failure, parker. This expectation is as unreasonable as if you, say, agreed not to ever look at or flirt with a person of the opposite sex ever again.

parker:

Of course men like porn! So do women! That doesn't make it okay. Some people don't mind a bit of porn. Some do.

When my now husband I were dating, I let him know about my feelings regarding porn, strippers, etc. He was free to indulge in said activities. And I was free to choose not to date him. This had been my stance with every man I had dated. It's my personal conviction. Nothing wrong with that.

Thing is, we discussed this and made an agreement that neither of us would use pornography BEFORE we got married. So no ugly, suprise DTV bills.

I agree this is a much better approach than the OP's. Hyperbole is the official language of the internet, so I haven't said it so far, but I've actually made a similar agreement with my wife. Porn bothers her a lot. So I don't watch it, at all, although I used to. I think that's within the range of things a husband can do to try to keep his wife happy. I also appreciate that my wife is interested in meeting my sexual needs and desires. Not saying things are perfect, but you know, for humans we do OK ...

What about masturbation though? Without porn, I mean.

No, it's not. My husband and I choose to keep ourselves only for each other as much as possible. That means not intentionally fantasizing about others. And it means lots and lots of sex. ;-)

It's possible to live without porn. Gasp.

I'm with you on this one - every man I dated has known this prior to things going any further. And I was always the one ending the relationships. My current husband has never had a thing for porn and actually finds it very degrading to women. He's obviously rare in the scope of things these days! And for those that say "you just don't KNOW he's doing it"...well, whatever you need to think in order to make yourselves feel better. Not all men need that kind of thing to stimulate you 24/7 - perhaps YOU should have chosen a better mate, one that's more suited to your sexuality? I love how it's always the "women's lack of a sex drive" or at least it's blamed on that, to justify a man's "need" for porn. It's unfortunate.

Masturbation without porn is perfectly acceptable in our house. For both of us ;-)

TJA wrote: "Wow, poor guy. I wonder if he know marrying you would mean he would be expected to neuter his sex drive.

"watching porn with our darling 3 little girls asleep upstairs "

What does this have to do with anything? Does having "darling" children mean a father should not have a natural sex drive?"

Just another woman who ate too much wedding cake.

catbert wrote: "You are setting yourself up for failure, parker. This expectation is as unreasonable as if you, say, agreed not to ever look at or flirt with a person of the opposite sex ever again."

Why? Some men like porn and some women like actors and liars.

TJA: Sooooo many opinions. Wow --- "firece and unreasonable nagging" --- ??? where did you get that? No, I don't like porn and don't like it in my house --- and my husband and I have discussed it, thus the "darling kids" upstairs sleeping can make anyone who dislikes porn in their home to make their skin crawl knowing that crap is being viewed by a family member. Hope that makes sense, TJA. Yes men and women have sexual desires and sex drives. but if you're NOT making the grade with your spouse, how about TELLING said spouse? Working on ways to make it better for said spouse, so you're both happy and enjoying a healthy sex life? Why go off and spend family $$$ on getting it taken care of? The lying and hiding of porn is what makes me angry.

Normally I wouldn't have an issue with a little porn, but this guy's wife just had a baby. She is trying to heal while in a state of utter sleep deprivation. Add new mother anxieties and post partum hormones to the mix and you have a woman who is going through hell. If the husband was actually taking care of his wife, home and baby while holding down a full time job, he would be far too tired for such foolishness. The fact that he has energy for such things at this time tells me that he is one lazy, selfish SOB who will eventually do much worse things than watching a little porn.