There seems to be more than one thing regarding the husband and his porn habit going on.

What I got from the LW's comments is she is overwhelmed by having to care for the baby. I understand that. She didn't say it, but I would guess the baby doesn't sleep very long at a time and probably not through the night. That means someone is having to get up with the baby. I would guess this is the LW. So she is probably not only exhausted from having the baby, she has probably not recovered from that. Not to mention all the other stuff (like stitches for the episiotomy or the Cesarian). And as someone else said, she's probably feeling unattractive at the least, and then her husband's checking out porn probably felt like a rejection.

Then there's the feeling both of them have toward porn. It's not just some people think it's icky, some women feel it's exploitive. (Refer to the poster who called the woman in the porn a "bimbo." And that's assuming it was for straights.)

The problem I have with porn, when I do, is that most of the guys I know who think porn is great would totally freak out if they opened a Playboy, Penthouse or was watching some porn and saw one of the women is their mother, wife, sister, daughter, lawyer, grocer, etc., etc., etc.

Guys, if it's OK and normal and all that for you to watch it, why isn't it OK for your SO, mom, daughter, etc., to be in it?

If it's OK for you to look then the women are not bimbos. It's either OK or it isn't.

And I don't know too many men who would be happy to find their wife down in the basement jilling off with secret porn.

Guys, if it's OK and normal and all that for you to watch it, why isn't it OK for your SO, mom, daughter, etc., to be in it?

I wouldn't want my Mom to be on "Deal or No Deal" or my spouse playing one of the women on "Sex and the City" or my daughter on "the Hills," but that's not going to stop me from watching other people who choose to entertain me by appearing. Amy Winehouse is a great singer, and I like listening to her album, but I wouldn't want anyone in my family living her life.

And I don't know too many men who would be happy to find their wife down in the basement jilling off with secret porn.

Oh, for plenty of men this would be a fantasy come true....

Wow. You have a deep misunderstanding of how men view porn.

"Guys, if it's OK and normal and all that for you to watch it, why isn't it OK for your SO, mom, daughter, etc., to be in it?"

Aside from our not wanting to think of our moms or daughters as sexual beings at all, it comes down to the fact that we don't think about images as people at all. We look at a picture, it excites our reptilian brain, we get gratification, and then we stop. That's it. No deep thinking. No considering the objects of our lust as a person with a family etc. It is a simple physical response to sexual stimuli. And before you ask, no...that doesn't mean we can't view the real women in our lives as full, well rounded human beings. The two things have no relation to each other.

"If it's OK for you to look then the women are not bimbos. It's either OK or it isn't."

I don't even understand your point here. My point is that we don't care if the women are "bimbos" or not. We don't even think about it. No man looks at a picture of a naked woman and thinks "hmmm...I wonder what kind of person she is. Does she have questionable morals? Does she make poor choices in her life?" We don't care.

"And I don't know too many men who would be happy to find their wife down in the basement jilling off with secret porn."

HA! I think pretty much ALL men would love that! The only thing we might be upset about is that she kept it secret instead of sharing it with us. I have never met a husband who complained that his sex life was too racy. I have heard MANY husbands complain the opposite.

You really don't get men at all.

pearlsandjeans:

Guys, if it's OK and normal and all that for you to watch it, why isn't it OK for your SO, mom, daughter, etc., to be in it?

Are you crazy? What kind of equivalence is that?

The correct comparison would be -- if it's OK for guys to watch porn then they should be OK with their SOs, moms, etc. WATCHING it too. Not acting in it. Acting in it involves having actual sex with other people. Most spouses, of either gender, would be against that.

TJA:

I don't even understand your point here. My point is that we don't care if the women are "bimbos" or not. We don't even think about it. No man looks at a picture of a naked woman and thinks "hmmm...I wonder what kind of person she is. Does she have questionable morals? Does she make poor choices in her life?" We don't care.

While I sympathize with your larger point and am certainly on your side in this debate, I have to confess that I sometimes wonder what the bimbos in question might think about and where they stand on certain filthy maneuvers. To that extend, their minds interest me.

I was going to give you a thumbs up for this:

What I got from the LW's comments is she is overwhelmed by having to care for the baby. I understand that. She didn't say it, but I would guess the baby doesn't sleep very long at a time and probably not through the night. That means someone is having to get up with the baby. I would guess this is the LW. So she is probably not only exhausted from having the baby, she has probably not recovered from that. Not to mention all the other stuff (like stitches for the episiotomy or the Cesarian). And as someone else said, she's probably feeling unattractive at the least, and then her husband's checking out porn probably felt like a rejection.

I totaly agree with you. But then I read the rest of your post & you lost me. Almost like someone else started a good post & you came along & finished it, badly I might add.

And I don't know too many men who would be happy to find their wife down in the basement jilling off with secret porn.

Seems everybody thinks your wrong. I also think that the men you know are lying to you. I would.

Guys, if it's OK and normal and all that for you to watch it, why isn't it OK for your SO, mom, daughter, etc., to be in it?

Because pornographic images of family members are not OK. Consider: men want to look at people they find sexually desirable. If they find their mothers or daughters or sisters sexually desirable, is this not creepy and wrong?

BTW, seeing my lawyer or grocer in porn would be hot.

she's probably feeling unattractive at the least, and then her husband's checking out porn probably felt like a rejection.

Yes, but no. She has a right to expect his aid and comfort while their dealing with the newborn. She does not, however, have the right to bar her husband from sexual satisfaction because he's feeling unpretty. It's unrealistic, and it's selfish.

Never heard it that way before, but it is hilarious. I'm going to work that phrase into a conversation with my husband tonight!

Men don't need to light candles and get "in the mood" to take care of business. There isn't emotion - there's biology, and that's it. You paranoid women need to stop projecting. Men are entirely separate people who process information much differently than you. We take the time to figure you out - it's time you bothered to do the same for us.

1) "her husband's porn probably felt like a rejection."

Why? This is not a conclusion of any train of thought.. this is merely invented, as if simply by saying it you "prove" anything. Your projection is not his problem. We do not think the same as you - get over it. Your need to control is intrusive and demanding.

2) "some women feel it's exploitive"

So what? He's not dating them. He's not cheating. Once again, deal with the facts, not your invented silliness. Guys don't need or want to think of porn actresses as people.. we don't have the time to care. The guy in question is busy taking care of a baby - you know, the thing his wife wants. And she feels gratuitously self-justified in having a feeling about her husband's personal time? That's blatantly arrogant and intrusive.

3) "most of the guys I know who think porn is great would totally freak out if "

Project much? This is called tangential thinking. You simply don't WANT him to watch porn, so you're trying to throw anything and everything at him - regardless of its actual effectiveness in building your case. How, exactly, does the discussion of a second guy's wishes for those in his family relate to this man's porn habit? Good luck with that.

People I know are not in those magazines - because their lives aren't chaotic enough for them to think it's a good idea. Watching porn, however - that IS a good idea.

"it comes down to the fact that we don't think about images as people at all. We look at a picture, it excites our reptilian brain, we get gratification, and then we stop. That's it. No deep thinking. No considering the objects of our lust as a person with a family etc."

So you're saying that, in your case at least, you dehumanize the women in porn. That's the common argument that's made by anti-porn people and you've just agreed. Personally, I wonder how anyone can think this is not somewhat disturbing - they are, in fact, people.

Porn means something different to everybody. My husband didn't care for it at all. I liked it, on occasion, but it is ultimately boring for many reasons, and I don't want a steady diet of it. But this is one of those things where people take their experience and their opinion and paint the whole world with that color. Certainly, there are men who can't leave it (and the other thing) alone, and would rather masturbate than deal with real women, but that's them, that's not everybody. There are certainly some people who get obsessed with the "actor's" life and may end up doing some unhealthy things (not every man dehumanizes them as you do). But there are millions more, male and female, who have a sense of perspective.

p.s. I know exactly what the author of the original post meant by "bimbos." Any of those sites that have a place for comments just reak with misogynist comments. I have trouble thinking your that naive.

bigbuck623:

Men don't need to light candles and get "in the mood" to take care of business. There isn't emotion - there's biology, and that's it. You paranoid women need to stop projecting. Men are entirely separate people who process information much differently than you. We take the time to figure you out - it's time you bothered to do the same for us.

OK I am totally on the "porn is OK" side of the debate, but I read some variation of this statement several times on this board.

Yes men's biology is different. However there are plenty of women who don't need candles, or a lot of time to get in a mood. When I take care of business it literally takes me no longer than 5 min and that's how it is for most women I know. I don't need images but plenty of women find them useful. There are really more similarities than differences and if you guys recognized it perhaps it would be easier to get the "psycho women who don't understand men" on your side.

"There are really more similarities than differences and if you guys recognized it perhaps it would be easier to get the "psycho women who don't understand men" on your side."

I doubt it. The women who have such strong negative reactions to men's sexuality are not like you. You get it, they don't. I don't think even you could convince them that their men are not disgusting. Their perceptions of their husbands sexual needs and desires are all tied up with their own insecurities, need for control, and narcissism.

"So you're saying that, in your case at least, you dehumanize the women in porn. That's the common argument that's made by anti-porn people and you've just agreed. Personally, I wonder how anyone can think this is not somewhat disturbing - they are, in fact, people. "

That is not exactly accurate. The arugment made by anti porn people is that watching porn makes men dehumanize women IN GENERAL, not just the image they view. That is nonsense. I, and every guy I know look at porn from time to time and are able to do so without losing respect and love for all the women in our lives. We seperate the real women we love from the fantasy women we look at. Just as we are able to watch The Dark Night and resist the temptation to become violent vigilantes. Many of my male friends love watching mixed martial arts fights. None of them have been getting in real life brawls or street fights though. Same principle. Men have very basic, simple, primal needs that some women are not comfortable with. If all porn disapeared tomorrow we would simply close our eyes and think of the bank teller we saw that day or the attractive woman in our office. Afterwards we would go on with our lives with no more trouble or anxiety or problems than if we took a nap.

TJA:

I doubt it. The women who have such strong negative reactions to men's sexuality are not like you. You get it, they don't. I don't think even you could convince them that their men are not disgusting. Their perceptions of their husbands sexual needs and desires are all tied up with their own insecurities, need for control, and narcissism.

I disagree. If there is a difference between me (and quite a few women here) and those "psycho" women, it really has more to do with the upbringing than something fundamental in our nature or our sexuality. I think in some cases it can be possible to overcome the upbringing and in some cases it may not.

I think you underestimate how different you are from those women. A normal, well adjusted woman knows it is not realistic to expect her man to never, ever have a sexual thought about anyone else. She may not like it, she certainly doesn't want to hear about it, but she accepts that it is part of life. These women who have an emotional reaction, who are "disgusted and betrayed" are totally different. They have an idealized view of love and marriage that has no room real people with real foibles. Their "feelings" come first. Anything their husbands do that falls short of ideal will crack their fantasy and that is why they find it so threatening.