Except on LW#1, which was right-on. Good for you for cleaning up, but even better of you to realize that you can't stop an addict unless they want to do it themselves.

About the frisky couple: While confronting them is best, I disagree that they shouldn't tell the priest. They may have scared off others, and just because they've been in the church longer is no excuse for harassment. Tell them both, this way if you do decide to look elsewhere, the clergy will have a heads-up.

About the adult content: Missed again, Pru. How about taking this woman's feelings into account before you roll your eyes? This is a violation to her, and although he apologized, her feelings need to be validated by him. The excuse of 'just because she's lactating he needs to look elsewhere and is justified' doesn't cut it with me. I believe in your marriage vows there is 'forsaking all others', which counts towards fidelity.

Feeding the visitors: I half-agree with you. She is taking on more than she should right now, but I betcha she's like my mom, who even though you have the greatest intentions,still feels obligated to entertain. It's stressful for her, so perhaps she could impose a temporary do-not-disturb with these people?

iscandara:

About the adult content: Missed again, Pru. How about taking this woman's feelings into account before you roll your eyes? This is a violation to her, and although he apologized, her feelings need to be validated by him. The excuse of 'just because she's lactating he needs to look elsewhere and is justified' doesn't cut it with me. I believe in your marriage vows there is 'forsaking all others', which counts towards fidelity.

Does this mean I can't fantasize about another person when having sex with my partner? Can't look at anyone else? He was wanking off to porn before he met her, and he's going to keep on doing it. He just needs to be more careful, and she needs to avoid snooping.

iscandara:

Feeding the visitors: I half-agree with you. She is taking on more than she should right now, but I betcha she's like my mom, who even though you have the greatest intentions,still feels obligated to entertain. It's stressful for her, so perhaps she could impose a temporary do-not-disturb with these people?

She's isolated enough working at home and with the care-giving. She needs some company. It's not a big deal, she should just not worry about entertaining, and perhaps find a way to let these visitors know that they could help out a bit too.

Re. adult content:

She wasn't snooping, the porn showed up when she opened her browser.

She clearly didn't know that he used porn before he met her. Why not? If he felt it was "wrong," why didn't he discuss it with her? Or if he doesn't think it's wrong (or maybe it's only wrong when you have a wife who's a stressed-out new mom and needs your help while you're hiding in the basement), then why the secrecy? The betrayal is in the lack of honest communication.

Meh, I don't think she is upset about the lack of communication or even the porn it self. "I'm up with the baby all night, and he's having a party downstairs." I think what is bugging her is that she feels he isn't helping out enough and is escaping responsibility. Not sure if it is justified or not but she should just talk to him.

Men: I would like to know how often you have thought about letting your new partner know you jerk off to porn. When does that conversation happen?

Seriously, think about that for a sec. When does the conversation of, "I look at and watch porn." come about? 3 dates or 4? After a month or a year? There may have been no secrecy at all. The man may have been disappearing at the same time of day into the basement for years now and she just never questioned it. Hell, he may not even have the porn hidden at all. Even if he does have the porn hidden and is being secretive it probably comes from wanting to avoid getting caught by Mom and Dad.

They just need to talk. If the porn bugs her she needs to explain it, and I mean more then just it bugs her. If she has a problem with him not helping out at night or even during the day she needs to say so. Talk people just talk! :-)

kacrowde:

Re. adult content:

She wasn't snooping, the porn showed up when she opened her browser.

Granted, but she did check out for how long he had been watching.

kacrowde:

She clearly didn't know that he used porn before he met her. Why not? If he felt it was "wrong," why didn't he discuss it with her?

Well, he probably didn't tell her that he pees standing up. He might have figured that it was a given.

When does that conversation happen?

Me: Hi boyfriend.

Him: Hi Girlfriend.

Me: Do you have any porn?

Him: yeah, i have a few dvds.

Me: Cool. Can we watch some together sometime?

It's not a hard coversation.

Talking to the priest and/or looking for a new church comes AFTER talking to the people. They haven't said a word to them yet, after all.

Let's imagine this scenario:
Couple: These old folks are creeping us out. We think they're sexual predators the way they hug us all the time.
Priest: You two bear a remarkable resemblance to their son and daughter-in-law who were killed in a car crash several years ago.

That would certainly be a great way to break into the new church, now wouldn't it?

It's one thing when they're bf and gf, another when they're married. There should be more give and take there. I think her objection is also more due to the felt lack of division of housework. As a mom, I feel her pain. This issue may not be one once they talk it over.

If what you're saying is right, then her decision to tie anger not actually derived from his sexual decision (the reasonable decision to enjoy porn, something humans have enjoyed all of history) constitutes an unwarranted and unjustified attack on his sexual being and very own biological autonomy. To disingenuously attack someone's sexual self-expression is a serious and disrespectful act, nowhere more so than a relationship.

If, on the other hand, she was indeed so hurt and furious about something so utterly banal and inoffensive as jerking off to some internet porn, particularly while they aren't even having sex, shows that she has seriously deluded and juvenile views of sex and relationships and that she needs to try to come to grips with the reality of the world and the fact that the porn wasn't hurting their relationship, but rather her reaction to it was and is.

Women who can't accept their husband or boyfriend enjoying pornography can never have a totally honest sexual relationship. If you don't like it, you can still choose whether to accept it, and let him enjoy something that makes him happy and thus a better partner, or you can refuse to accept it, and make him wade through the indignity of pretending not to enjoy pornography.

Either way, there is absolutely no way in hell that you are going to say or do anything that would lead to him suddenly not enjoying and consuming pornography. Which is not a problem because if you have any appreciation of the significance of your own sexual (and non-sexual) relationship, pornography should be about as much of a threat to your relationship as breakfast cereal.

A healthy enjoyment of porn never ruined a relationship. Psychopathic jealous lunatic women have that angle covered plenty well.

meghn:

When does that conversation happen?

Me: Hi boyfriend.

Him: Hi Girlfriend.

Me: Do you have any porn?

Him: yeah, i have a few dvds.

Me: Cool. Can we watch some together sometime?

It's not a hard coversation.

The hard conversation is the one about the diaper fetish.

Tom_Tildrum:

meghn:

When does that conversation happen?

Me: Hi boyfriend.

Him: Hi Girlfriend.

Me: Do you have any porn?

Him: yeah, i have a few dvds.

Me: Cool. Can we watch some together sometime?

It's not a hard coversation.

The hard conversation is the one about the diaper fetish.

lol!

That one is going to become Fray history. At least once a month someone will mention it in some way.

Great...

Now, when do you have the conversation?

I can't see this happening at any particular time...

Doc Holliday:

Great... Now, when do you have the conversation? I can't see this happening at any particular time...

You should have it at the same time you decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend (or boyfriend and boyfriend, etc.). If you're silly and don't have the conversation about cheating (and hell, whether you're dating exclusively or not) then you should have it immediately after/prior to becoming engaged.

karamazov:

If, on the other hand, she was indeed so hurt and furious about something so utterly banal and inoffensive as jerking off to some internet porn, particularly while they aren't even having sex, shows that she has seriously deluded and juvenile views of sex and relationships and that she needs to try to come to grips with the reality of the world and the fact that the porn wasn't hurting their relationship, but rather her reaction to it was and is.

I got the feeling she's quite young, and still under those childhood fantasies of the handsome prince taking care of her every need forever more. Maybe I think that because most people I know over age 25 watch movies on DVD players instead of on their computers.

Well, no. Since masturbation isn't "cheating".

PhysicsGirl:

Doc Holliday:

Great... Now, when do you have the conversation? I can't see this happening at any particular time...

You should have it at the same time you decide to be boyfriend and girlfriend (or boyfriend and boyfriend, etc.). If you're silly and don't have the conversation about cheating (and hell, whether you're dating exclusively or not) then you should have it immediately after/prior to becoming engaged.