Dear Mother of a Newborn,

I don't quite agree with Prudie in her assessment. While I agree that you should chill out (by that I mean if he's apologized and is willing to change then try not to hang it over his head.) He is not the victim in this you and your child are. I know plenty of men who are able to help their wives through labor and stay faithful to them not only physically but mentally while their bodies heal and adjust to being a mother. What Prudie described as an excuse is just that, an excuse! He should have had more self control then that!

This is also a matter of RESPECT for your feelings. (Prudie seems to have forgotten about that part.) It seems it maybe a one time mistake but he'll have to prove that to you! The fact of the matter is that he broke your trust and he needs to be willing to go over board to gain it back. Maybe he should ban himself of the pc all together for a while. Then only get on when you are comfortable and then gradually get back to normal. Maybe move the pc upstairs or in a public area of the house. (If he’s really sorry then he’s probably thinking of a way to MAKE himself stop. This might work…)

He sounds like a guy who just made a mistake. We all do that. So if he’s willing to move the pc to a public area and do whatever he can (within reason and you two need to talk about what is reasonable) to gain your trust again, then fine. I don’t see a reason to start therapy either. Try to talk it out between the two of you. (If nothing works then go to therapy.)Find a reasonable way to work on this together. He may simply be lonely and he does miss you. (I guarantee that!) That doesn’t excuse him by any means! Maybe find a babysitter after a couple more weeks (or even now) and go out and spend some quality time together to work on your marriage.

Don’t forget, if your marriage isn’t healthy then your family will not be either. The two of you need to find a healthy balance between the baby and your relationship (not to mention work!) This is just a bump in the road for your marriage. Don’t let yourself be consumed by the baby. (Hard I know...) Put some time aside to take care of yourself and also your marriage. (Don’t feel guilty about it either!) There’s an old saying, “If Mom ain’t happy ain’t NOBODY happy!” So make sure you (and your husband!) do your best to balance everything. It’ll take some time but it’ll be worth it in the long run. Oh and CONGRATS on the new baby and Good Luck!!!

He watches porn. Big deal.

It may not be a big deal to you. That's fine. That's your decision. Its a big deal to her. That's her opinion. She's the wife.

I don't get the whole "unfaithful" part of your arguement. If he fantasized about her while wanking off is that now faithful? Or does he need to completely ignore his bodily functions until she is back up and running?

I do understand your point about it being a big deal to her even though it isn't a big deal to him. BUT if one spouse is jealous to the point of not wanting their SO to talk to a member of the opposite sex, is that to be catered to also? No? Why not? It's a big deal to them.

There's probably some hormone action messing with her reasoning ability but if this continues it's the beginning of a dysfunctional relationship. Basically if she needs to follow your outline above to "trust" him again she's basically saying that my "big deal" trumps your "needs". And that kind of one sidedness doesn't make a healthy relationship.

Holy crap! Are you serious? Bet you're the life of the party.

Here's a comment from my literary hero that sums you up perfectly:

that stern and
rockbound coast felt
like an amateur
when it saw how grim
the puritans that
landed on it were

archy

“Unfaithful” is relative. What one person thinks is being unfaithful someone else thinks is normal. I happen to think if a woman has just had a baby (it takes months to feel normal again) then her husband should have enough self control to not act out. Also it’s their big deal. He is that baby’s Father and he did help in creation of it. So he can sacrifice a little bit to. She’s just sacrificed her entire body for 9 looong months and the least he can do is have some self control. Marriage is a give and take. So maybe she doesn’t want porn in her home, ok, then let’s comprise and find something else to spice our marriage up.

Having seen quite a few couples struggle with this kind of thing: it really is one of those issues that only the two members of the couple get to have a say in. No matter what anyone here tells you or her or him, if porn feels like betrayal then they need to work it out. It's not a necessity of life, like working with and being friends with members of the opposite sex. Certainly a good christian cannot practice their faith accurately while enjoying porn (Jesus is very specific about that one). And if a spouse is spending their emotional and sexual energy on porn to the neglect of his/her spouse, rather than to enhance the relationship, that is classic cheating.

Maybe porn is one more of those things that would be good to discuss BEFORE getting married. Y'know, since after the fact, it seems like one of those things that nobody will budge an inch on.

I have sympathy for the LW, she's post partum, sleep deprived and probably miserable. When I was six weeks post partum I couldn't figure out whether to wind my ass or scratch my watch. I'd like to give her a big hug and watch her kid so she can take a nap. She'll probably look back one day on all this and not smile. Prudie's advice was right on this one and I hope the LW takes it.

As for the husband, shame on him for not clearing the history and google cache. His penalty should be to do the grocery shopping and clean the house after work for six months.

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His penalty should be to do the grocery shopping and clean the house after work for six months.

Maybe he already does the grocery shopping and cleans the house after work.

My older son had two friends who had no problem discussing the porn they watched together, even in front of me. It was hilarious the night after they had rented a bunch of 70s porn and stopped by to report how much hair people had back then. If you catch my drift.

I do think the hubby actually shares the wife's anti porn, pro-family values, and that's why he apologized. He knows he violated their understanding.

I do agree with everyone that this couple needs to talk to each other, maybe renegotiate the porn thing. But crossing the line from hobby to obsession is bad news. And if she's right that he's leaving her to do all the nightly baby care, that's a sign he's pushing it.

alefeb1:

He is not the victim in this you and your child are.

Oh come on now, that's simply melodramatic. Her child is certainly not a victim (assuming that hubby isn't neglecting the child) and she's only a victim if she decides she's going to be. If she decides that his viewing porn is victimizing her, well she's crazy and probably won't be happy with any man.

alefeb1:

I know plenty of men who are able to help their wives through labor and stay faithful to them not only physically but mentally while their bodies heal and adjust to being a mother.

Oh? This isn't the sort of thing that just comes up in casual conversation. "Oh, and I looked at porn when my wife was unable to have sex with me right after childbirth. What'd you think of that new batman movie?"

alefeb1:

He should have had more self control then that!

Why?

alefeb1:

The fact of the matter is that he broke your trust and he needs to be willing to go over board to gain it back.

If they haven't discussed pornography, he's broken no one's trust. All couples should have the discussion about "cheating" when they get serious. Expecting your spouse to be a mind reader is stupid.

In any case, women who decide that porn is a no-no are bound to be disappointed. Women who read romance novels and decide porn is a no-no are hypocrites.

For my own edification, what did Jesus specifically say about porn?

I always find it amusing when people trot out "respect my feelings" to manipulate the behavior of others. What about the husband's feeling of being sexually ignored/frustrated? Yes, the pregnancy takes a big toll physically and emotionally on the mother, and yes, having a newborn in the house tends to dampen sexual drives. But clearly the husband's sexuality is less affected than the wife's. And as Prudie pointed out, he is not looking outside the home to meet his needs.

As another poster noted, he should be learning to clear the browser, but not to be keeping secrets from the wife. Someday the baby will be old enough to use the computer, and if Daddy has not made clearing a habit, there could be some embarrassing situations.

And suppose the situation was flipped around. If the wife was feeling a little insecure about her post-pregnancy appearance, but the husband was not interested in sex (seems unlikely, but hey, who are we to judge?), should she just accept the "dry spell"? Should he have to "perform" on command? It seems to me he IS respecting his wife, who may not be physically able to return to an active sex life, by not pressuring her to move things along. Now that she knows what his needs are, I think it is up to her to decide when and how to let him know when they can resume their normal activities.

PhysicsGirl:

alefeb1:

He should have had more self control then that!

Why?

If they haven't discussed pornography, he's broken no one's trust. All couples should have the discussion about "cheating" when they get serious. Expecting your spouse to be a mind reader is stupid.

Selfish much? Just because they haven't had the 'talk' about what constitutes cheating doesn't mean he hasn't done anything wrong. If you wouldn't do it in front of her,red flag right there.

dberne:

I always find it amusing when people trot out "respect my feelings" to manipulate the behavior of others. It seems to me he IS respecting his wife,

Oh I love it!!! Beating it online as a way to respect his vows. Now that's manipulation if I ever heard it.