Dear Crabby,
I'm a late 50s widower. I don't want to marry again, or even share an apartment. But my GF of 3 years is hinting at marriage. I like that we screw 2-3 times a week and then don’t see each other in between. I would miss her cooking, the hot geriatric sex, and companionship if she dumped me, but not enough to make any kind of personal commitment to her. Can I keep lying to her until she figures this out on her own?
— “It’s a wonderful life - for me”
Dear “No love please, we’re american”
With so many letters from addle headed young women, its nice to get one from a traditional male chauvinist pig, for the sake of variety. Yes it’s perfectly acceptable to lie to someone you don’t care for. If you did actually love her, this ongoing lie wouldn’t even cross your mind. Besides, you were going to keep lying to her no matter what I said anyway. Since she’s as mature as you, there’s no excuse for her not reading the signs and figuring out you’re a complete jerk. She deserves what she gets, and so do you, when zero hour arrives.
— Crabby, who reminds her readers that asking my permission to keep lying to your lover is about the most ironic thing you can do. Don’t pretend for a nanosecond that you actually put MY viewpoint ahead of that of the person you’re screwing . . . and its clear you don’t care about HER feelings at all.
Dear Crabby,
My husband supported me while I attended graduate school and now while I’m a stay-at-home mom with an autistic preschooler and a nursing infant. My problem is, I feel completely overwhelmed by daily life. Sometimes I feel resentful that he gets to go to an office all day, and other times I feel horribly guilty that he works hard all day and I ask him to help with the kids and housework at night. Often I feel like I'd be doing my family a favor by leaving and letting someone more capable take my place . . .
— “Nurse Strangelove, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the chaos in my life”
Dear “Citizen Sane”,
Couple of quick hits here. First, most office work is about the same as changing diapers for an autistic preschooler, to be honest, so you’d hardly enjoy it once you were hired. Second, you’re in need of professional counseling to manage your depression. And (third) you should also take advantage of any resources offered for help with managing your kids and home. This is the sort of letter that makes me weep when I read it, because its soooo out of the league of online advice columnists. You desperately need and deserve real advice and solutions – not having your plight published for the amusement of us lowlifes
- Crabby, who has a zillion unspoken questions which won’t solve this problem, such as: where are your mom and mother in law in all this? How much was known about your firstborn’s medical condition when you became pregnant a 2nd time? And do you still have real communication with your husband or has that avenue now closed as well? Coming to terms with these might be a good objective as you begin counseling.
Dear Crabby,
My in-laws are financial morons, and should be thinking about retirement but instead are headed into another foreclosure. My husband and I both work full time in addition to raising two small children. My father-in-law would like us to borrow $200K and give it to them to start a company to fix and flip homes. How do we say no without burning the bridge?
— “Dial M for Mortgage”
Dear “Raiders of the lost nest egg”
You probably can’t. But if you feel a need to give protecting their feelings a shot, just say “No - sorry we can’t afford it”. Refuse to get drawn into a debate on the numbers, their character, or intelligence. Just keep repeating no. The more explanations you have to give, the worse this is going to come out. Seriously.
— Crabby, who reminds her readers that all those “flip that house” TV shows went bankrupt about 6 months ago, too. I’ll take the media’s handwringing over the “housing crisis” seriously when they take responsibility for egging us on these past 5 years with all those TV shows that led the unwary to believe that flipping every 6 months for $100,000 profit was a can’t-lose proposition. And yes, PBS, you too with your damn aspirational remodeling of those shitty little tract home bungalows which should have been bulldozed instead.
Dear Crabby,
I ‘m part of a close-knit but large and ever-expanding group of friends. Several times a day, I am asked what my plans are for tonight, and I don’t want some people to know. When I refuse to elaborate, they tell me “You’re not my friend” or “You have issues." Am I really a bad friend?
— “There will be bloody marys”
Dear don’t be afraid to “Turn your back on the future”,
Gee, just when I thought real friends respected each others' boundaries, and didn’t become accusatory for no reason, along comes a letter like yours which makes me rethink everything I hold dear. Well, not really, actually. The big reveal: not only are some of these people morons, they probably aren’t even real friends who you will keep for the long term. Don’t set your calendar based on someone’s social insecurities – not even if those insecurities are your own.
- Crabby, who just realized that if you’re rich enough to go out partying every night of the week, could you please send me $200,000 to start a “flip that house company” from my den? I’ll split the profits with you – honest. That’s what friends are for.
