1. Yes. She asked where it’s going, and she deserves an answer. You want to be free of incumberment; but she deserves a chance to find someone who is willing to get married, if that’s what she wants.

2. What will your kids look back on about their childhoods? That you homecooked baby food, ironed their socks, and neatly put away all their toys, or that you spent time with them and demonstrated love with their father? Set your priorities, and let some of the more minor stuff go until they are able to help with them. Even a low-functioning autistic child can do some small things around the house, if it’s just putting a used paper plate into the trash when asked.

Just curious, but why get a graduate degree if you’re going to spend your most employable years washing diapers?

3. How about, “We love you, but no. We can’t risk our own financial future and that of our children, given your history.” If they storm off in a huff, it’s their loss.

4. No, you aren’t. They are being bad friends by refusing to respect your privacy. On the next follow-up question, tell them it’s personal, and you choose not to share. If they insist, maybe you need to look at getting a new, less close-knit, and not so expansive group of friends.

IncogNeato:

3. How about, “We love you, but no. We can’t risk our own financial future and that of our children, given your history.” If they storm off in a huff, it’s their loss.

Perfect. The LW and her family can help them out in other areas, like paying for her in-laws financial adviser/counselor.,

Good answers. In reply to "why get a graduate degree... washing diapers", I'd guess that the birth of an autistic child changed her career plans. It's a tough break, and I wouldn't judge her at all for deciding to stay home. Not every autistic child can throw away a paper plate; with some, it's a big achievement just to stop them from hurting themselves by banging their heads on the wall.

gee - and they call me "crabby" . . .

you're on her case because she's not working in her degreed field?

actually, i had the same question of course.

but that's where NOW and "its all about choices" come in.

women have the freedom to work or stay home, irrespective of their field of study.

there are plenty of guys working (barely) in a job which has nothing to do with any education they might have had.

i doubt if it was her choice to have an autistic child, though. my guess is that she's terminally depressed because of the demands of her special needs child, and sees no light at the end of the tunnel. and she didn't give a hint of any help from her mom, or mother in law, in this regard.

very odd for them to be totally out of the picture.

baltimore aureole:

and she didn't give a hint of any help from her mom, or mother in law, in this regard.

very odd for them to be totally out of the picture.

This is a guess based on the tenor of the letter: She has a mom and a MIL, but she doesn't want them helping, and in fact has probably actively refused their help. She won't hire a maid, won't let things go that should be let go, and won't listen to her husband's advice to lighten up a little. My guess is she refuses all offers of help because she doesn't know how to let go of trying to be superperson. No wonder she feels overwhelmed.

A secondary postulatum, as type As don't usually spring up out of thin air, is that she has a supercritical mother/father who rides her about the house, the kids, etc., and from whom she's learned that nothing will ever be good enough.

"and she didn't give a hint of any help from her mom, or mother in law, in this regard.

very odd for them to be totally out of the picture."

I find it interesting that some ppl seem to think that Grandparents have the automatic responsibility for childcare. Why is it their job to take care of their kids' kids? It's not odd at all for them to be totally out of the picture. Families don't always live within babysitting distance, ppl are more likely to live far away from relatives now. Maybe that's why the LW didn't talk about their help or lack thereof. Also, maybe they're too old to handle an autistic child. My niece has autism, and I know plenty of older ppl who couldn't physically handle it.

The LW is burned out, no doubt about that. I'm suprised Prudie didn't advise contacting her local "Birth to Three" program, they can be enormously helpful to anyone caring for a young special needs child.

Poor little LW #2. I agree that her letter is one of the most serious letters that Prudence has responded to but I found her to be a whiny ass Type A as someone mentioned above.

One of my clients is a nonprofit organization that helps special needs children and the parents of these kids are total heroes. There is help and support out there - you just have to be willing to admit that you need it.

I agreed totally with the Fray member who said she sounds like a person who puts a lot of pressure on herself but it sounds like she might have a case of post-partum?

I find it interesting that some ppl seem to think that Grandparents have the automatic responsibility for childcare. Why is it their job to take care of their kids' kids?

Are you familiar with genetic research? The evolutionary reason for menopause is that grandmothers can take care of their grandchildren without having minor children of their own to take care of.

Also, it is certainly a negative sign that this woman apparantly has no support group of family members, friends, or fellow members of a close knit social group (church, synagage, sorority, etc.) The disadvantages of our isolated society are smacking her in the face.

apropos1:

"

I find it interesting that some ppl seem to think that Grandparents have the automatic responsibility for childcare. Why is it their job to take care of their kids' kids? It's not odd at all for them to be totally out of the picture. Families don't always live within babysitting distance, ppl are more likely to live far away from relatives now. Maybe that's why the LW didn't talk about their help or lack thereof. Also, maybe they're too old to handle an autistic child. My niece has autism, and I know plenty of older ppl who couldn't physically handle it.

There's a big difference between automatic responsibility and helping out, kindness, offering a hand, and sympathy. I'm sorry you're family is so cold to you that you think the norm is for to people to be cast off on their own without any sort of support network- you have a special needs child, not my problem, I'm off to my mah jong game!

I'm not familiar with genetic research quoted, but since reliably living to grandparent age is such a recent thing, I really find it hard to believe that a trait (menopause) found this universally among humans can be explained in that manner, especially since the ability to continue to produce offspring would seem to be more valuable than grandparenting, Yes, older women would die in childbirth - but the ones that survive would be that much stronger. And yes, ensuring the survival of your grandchild may be a good strategy for perpetuating your genetics, but not sure it's better than having another child.

I think Prudie was SPOT ON for LW#3. I immediately thought PPD (despite the 6 month old - serious symptoms of my PPD didn't show up until at least 3 months later after giving birth to my first daughter) or just garden-variety depression.

I wouldn't be so quick to say she's TYPE A. She might be, especially with the pureeing food and cloth diapers. Sometimes we younger generation mothers tend to READ to much and it gets us into trouble. We THINK we have to do what these books tell us or we're horrible parents. So we do things like cloth diapers and making our own food, etc. But my way of thinking is, if all that stresses you out, you shouldn't be doing it. You should be in as close a state of calmness and non-stress as you can be when you have children, because they can sense it. Make things easy on yourself without being unhealthy and everything will be fine.

And if you've got PPD to go along with your TYPE A personality, you're anxious, paranoid, and those feelings of wanting to run away, well they were the exact feelings I had and I didn't have an autistic child and an infant to care for. My worst feelings were after my first daughter and she was pretty much an easy baby except when I, in my paranoid state, wrecked her ability to nap which only added to my anxiety, paranoia and depression. The worst feeling I ever had was that when I held her, my skin crawled. I'll never forget that feeling to this day (she's almost 6 years old). It was frightening. When I told my mother (who was 3,000 miles away at the time), she told me to immediately call my doctor and get help. I did and I'm glad for it.

LW#3 must do the same thing. Her possible Type A personality may have exacerbated the problem, but does it matter? Her husband is ABSOLUTELY right and I hope that others appreciate that at least he's not telling her she HAS to be perfect and to just get over it. Like my husband, he says: we'll get a maid, relax I don't care about the house, etc. All of this is the best advice a man can give, especially if he doesn't think of PPD or any form of depression.

As far as "grandparents" go, my parents were of the mind that if we lived closer to one another, they would be there in an instant if asked and probably would check on me even if I didn't ask. Not Marie Barone style a la Everybody Loves Raymond, but definitely ready, willing and able to help out. My in-laws, well that's another story and they only live 45 miles away, although they have improved greatly since my father's death and my mother-in-law's recent diagnosis of lung cancer (but prognosis still looks good!). Of course, the point is now moot since my mother lives 10 miles from me now and we're about to become roommates for the second time since my husband's been deployed again.

SIDENOTE: Given that situation, I'll probably have to write a Dear Prudie letter in the next 6 months! LOL!

I don't think she failed to mention her parents and in-laws for any evil reason. They could live far away and are therefore hardly able to help on a daily basis. Or it could be worse, but why waste pages of message boards on speculating about it.

Prudie and others have been right on: regardless of the reasons she got to this place, she needs help getting out of it and it sounds like her husband will be supportive in that.

I seriously hope that she does.

Cheers.

ladykrystyna:

I don't think she failed to mention her parents and in-laws for any evil reason. They could live far away and are therefore hardly able to help on a daily basis. Or it could be worse, but why waste pages of message boards on speculating about it.

Or the LW did mention them and it was edited out. I've notice that there is now a note under the title of the page that some of the letters have been edited.

It's quite possible. But honestly, it sounds like to me that even if they offered she wouldn't take it. She's very, as they say, "hands on". Others might say "controlling". If she's naturally that way, as I said, I think it's exacerbated by the depression she's feeling. It's like a vicious circle.

And really the most important thing right now is that she get PROFESSIONAL HELP. I would highly suggest medication, therapy and it sounds like the husband is supportive enough to chip in with all of that. If the rest of the family is around and can help and they're not dysfunctional, that's great, too. But first she must heal herself.

As to why the Mothers aren't in the picture, why are you even asking? Have you seriously not considered the possibility, or even probability, that this young couple is not living near the Parents?

My brother was born in St. Louis, I was born in Nashville, and the Grandparents were living in Providence and Camden. Do you think they'd have been of much help if my brother or I had been born autistic?

TexasLisa:

Poor little LW #2. I agree that her letter is one of the most serious letters that Prudence has responded to but I found her to be a whiny ass Type A as someone mentioned above.

One of my clients is a nonprofit organization that helps special needs children and the parents of these kids are total heroes. There is help and support out there - you just have to be willing to admit that you need it.

I agreed totally with the Fray member who said she sounds like a person who puts a lot of pressure on herself but it sounds like she might have a case of post-partum?

I agree. The LW is putting waaaay too much pressure on herself. If I had an autistic child, I would buy some Huggies and say "to hell with the home made baby food". Enlist the services of the Tidy Bowl man and run a rag doused with 409 over that countertop and consider it clean.