...do you select these letters, lol. Do you save them up for a special week? Its like this is dysfunctional emotions week. I really cant stand the advice that Ms Yoffe dispenses, so I will give my own.

You can call me 'Dear Billy' or something...

Dear Done with that,

You dont deserve your girlfriend anyhow, you might as well tell her now and get on with your future life of eating canned soup alone. Yes, I know you want a mistress, a maid, a nurse and a companion and you dont want to make the sort of committment normally associated with that. We all do. No wait, I dont, I love my wife and my children and feel blessed each and every day I get to share with them. If you learn to think beyond your own selfishness and self gratification, then some answer to this problem might become apparent to you. I am also glad that you are able to reinfoce the stereotype of us old folks being inflexible curmudgeons, way to go! And of course, I think all parents should give their children right of first refusal on all potential partners they might ever have. You did it to them, its only fair they return the favor.

Dear Lady Sisyphus,

Let me be the first one to tell you, you are most likely entering serious DSM IV psychopathology. I am not saying this to be mean or insulting. You and your children are in danger, please seek help immediately. The situation you describe is one that gets repeated in news stories, usually after terrible tragedy. I know you love your husband and love your children. Make arrangements with your parents or inlaws to help with the children and get help now. It is better to be alive and embarassed that you had to get counseling than to end up a tragic story because you were afraid to get help. Remember that woman in Texas who drowned her 5 children? If you love your children, you will get help now.

Dear Irked,

If you let your in-laws access your credit to do anything, you are a fol. You know that as well, but it seems your real question is, how far from the tree did the apple of your husband fall? It sounds like what you are worried about is that your husband, out of what he thinks is familial obligation (or shared delusion) might kick in to this mad scheme. Unless your in-laws are capable of building a house from scratch, plumbing, wiring, masonry, carpentry, cabinetry, dry-wall, painting and the like, they will get their ass handed to them in the re-sale housing market. You would be better off buying them lottery tickets, Im guessing, they would have at least some chance of success then.

Dear Flustered Friend,

What a prime example of friendship and joy you are. Yes, you life is your own and noone should ever feel comfortable asking you for anything, despite you asking them to spend time with you when it is convenient for you. Sometimes people need company and sometimes people need to share time with themselves. If someone takes the time to ask you what you are doing, with some interest in being around you, you have a choice. You can either be a flaming asshat and give some snarky comment like 'None of your goddamn business' (seemingly your first choice), or you can be flattered by the attention and curious as to why the person asked. You could say, 'Not much of anything really, whatcha got in mind?'. The answer might suprise you. Pull your head out of your ass, and you will see more clearly.

Thats how I would write it, given the opportunity...

Dead on with the first 3. I also think Prudie picks the most emotionally flawed letters - because that will push her closer to the Dr.Phil ideal of "entertainment through schadenfreude! You're not as bad as this tool!"

But with the fourth.. I don't think it's necessarily about "lucky to have someone around" - that'd be appropriate for a date/best man/etc. The first sentence says that the circle of friends is "close-knit but ever-widening." Those two are opposites. If close people ask, tell 'em.. if people who aren't close ask.. they get the tactful but firm response. The problem, IMHO, is the inability to recognize the difference between a truly close friend and a recent acquaintance. It's not snippy/aggressive to not tell everything to someone you just met! It's actually normal and correct to slowly integrate other humans into your life, and make decisions carefully about revealing details.. even for folk who are just friends. It's called boundaries, and the Facebook generation will have trouble establishing those.

No, being close to someone, however close, doesn't mean you have to give a blow-by-blow account of your life or your plans. Even spouses can have private time without reporting to each other what they'll be doing in detail.

I think you were a bit off on #1. My kid isn't going to dictate who I date. That belief some marrieds have that because the kids didn't get a choice means you don't either rap is ridiculously shortsighted. Since you didn't walk in my shoes, you don't know my situation (and those close friends who do have done so because they earned my trust).

On #4, I heartily disagree. Just because this person has friends and doesn't feel like texting them about her life every 5 minutes means she's a traitor? Come on! Oooo, so she's lucky to have friends at all because she wants time to herself? I'll say it again: shortsighted. If her friends really are her own, in time they'll figure out that she's not into the drama thing and appreciate her for who she is.

You're wrong on the last one.

There are times when a person needs to be able to NOT detail what they will be doing.

Just because people are your friends doesn't mean they get to know everything you are doing. You ARE allowed private time.

Maybe you don't WANT to spend time with your friends 24/7. Isn't that ok? I vote yes.

marcparis:

No, being close to someone, however close, doesn't mean you have to give a blow-by-blow account of your life or your plans. Even spouses can have private time without reporting to each other what they'll be doing in detail.

I think the difference though is that she is responding with "I have plans" and not "I'm going to take some private time". One would have to be pretty sensitive to emotional undercurrents to pick up that the former means the latter, especially if it is just a casual friend.

I think this girl really needs to learn to just be firm with her boundaries. Then if the friends keep pressing, they have the issue. But it could just be that the friends are not understanding because the LW isn't being clear.

I think she was right on number 4. One of the big problems with having a large group of friends is that sometimes, you may want to do something with part of that group and not necessarily invite everyone. If you tell the uninvited, you're rude or they may invite themselves along, which means that every little drinks night has to involve 20 people. I suspect this may be what she's trying to avoid with her vagueness.

And right on with number 2. I was one of those breastfeeding/make your own baby food moms (not the cloth diapers, though. Cloth diapers may be better for the environment, but disposables seem a lot more comfy for baby, particularly if you're breastfeeding -- and I bet she is -- because leakage is a problem) and that's fine if you enjoy it . . . but this mom obviously doesn't and no one ever *died* from eating store-bought baby food. The ingredient list is pretty small, and besides, he should be on table food soon anyway. Get a grip.

My guess is that LW#2 has her autistic child on one of those specialized diets that's supposed to reduce the effects of the condition. Which makes more sense, but I'm pretty sure there are prepackaged alternatives out there.

iscandara:

I think you were a bit off on #1. My kid isn't going to dictate who I date.

I guess the sarcasm escaped you.

One of the ways you get to know your friends is by asking questions. If my friend wasn't available to go out with me I would probably ask her what she was doing. She doesn't have to tell me what she's doing if she doesn't want to. If she says..."I just have something to take care of"...I'll leave it alone. It's obvious she doesn't want to go into detail. Fine. But if she says..."Bob and I are going out to dinner with his boss"...it might lead to a deeper conversation about how she feels about Bob and having to eat with his boss. I learn something about her and she gets to vent when maybe she might not have had I not asked her what she was doing. Asking questions shows you're interested in your friend and his/her life. The LW makes it sound like a interrogation. Makes me wonder what the LW has to hide, honestly.

bigbuck623:

But with the fourth.. I don't think it's necessarily about "lucky to have someone around" - that'd be appropriate for a date/best man/etc. The first sentence says that the circle of friends is "close-knit but ever-widening." Those two are opposites. If close people ask, tell 'em..

Even close friends aren't automatically entitled to know every single thing you do or say. This girl wants a little private time without having to answer to her friends, or account for her practices to them. That's normal. People who demand to always know what you're doing are intrusive and controlling. She needs to simply repeat "I'm busy" or walk away - anyone who pushes further is by definition not a friend..

I just love how you mentioned that LW #3's in-law's are about to get their asses handed to them in the re-sale housing market.

Letter #4 though (as many have mentioned before) is tricky for me. I like my alone time sometimes. It's really hard to not be accessible. My generation hit puberty right when the internet introduced the magic and wonder of Instant Messenger, and social networking sites. I feel sorry for the babies who will own PDA's and Cell phones by the time they're in elementary, and learn how to type before they learn how to write with a pen.

I guess the older I get, the easier these kinds of problems seem to me.

1. If she hints about you marrying her, don't tell her. If she flat-out asks you, then she deserves the truth.

Video. Just politely tell the teacher on the QT. Sheesh. Some people are such cowards.

2. Get help. You're not in a good place.

3. No way! You'll never see that money again!

4. Your business is your own, but don't be shocked if you lose friends if you're snooty about it.

conundrum1:

Makes me wonder what the LW has to hide, honestly.

Thats what I kind of wonder. I would be more sympathetic if the LW had stated that she will most of the time say that she is busy without going into detail but instead she does the opposite. She states "Oftentimes, I say what I am doing. Other times, I simply don't want to share my plans or I want to do something on my own." It is probably the change in behavior (sharing vs not sharing) that have her friends intrigued. Not saying her friends have a right to interrogate her but it really isn't surprising that they are curious nor is it surprising that they would ask for more detail if she has shown to be more forth coming in the past. Perhaps the problem would lessen if she started answer most question about her time with a "I'm busy" and even perhaps a "but I'm free on this date." and then leave the details for the truly close friends.

Howdy all, I see alot of old friends here today, its nice to see you all.

I didnt mean she should submit to intensive questioning. But there are ways of giving that answer and its up to whom ever. What I guess I am saying, is that as a person that considers them to be friends, or even passing acquaintances, there should be some level of care about that person. Maybe, that person really needs someone to talk to and they got down far enogh on their list that they got to you.

Maybe youre that high up on their list, that they got to you early. Youll never know unless you take the time to find out.

And you never know who will end up being your friend, either. There was a time when you didnt know your best friend in the world. There was a time when you didnt know or love your significant other. There was a time you couldnt speak, and people took time to love you, feed you and raise you till you could post on internet boards. The common element is, for a moment or a lifetime, you or someone else cared, and things changed. If you are going to think of yourself as a friend, you have to at least care a little.

Have a great day!