I agree with Prudie about having a meeting with the boss. But the ony way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. She should firmly explain that she is an excellent, hard-working employee who gets along well with co-workers and customers. (If she doesn't really believe this, she should take some time convincing herself and listing positive behaviors.) Furthermore, his bullying is hindering her performance. She should then inform him that he needs to speak to her in the same manner she speaks to him--in a civil tone. She might point out that keeping an employee is much more cost-efficient than replacing one. If that doesn't work, the next time he yells at her, she should repeat this in front of her co-workers. And document everything. What has she got to lose? She'll at least have her self-respect. And probably that of her co-workers.

This of course, assumes she actually is a good employee. I agree the boss's behavior is inexcusable, but I hope she isn't blind to her own faults.

I've had a few employees who thought I was mean. Invariably they thought they were "excellent, hard-working employees," despite the evidence. They were resistant to and resentful of all feedback that threatened their delusion, so, big surprise, they never improved. They don't work for me anymore.

So before she *informs* her boss of any such thing (let alone convinces herself of it), maybe she should give some objective consideration to his criticism and see if she can *demonstrate* rather than proclaim) that she's excellent, hard-working, etc..

I know what you mean about employees thinking they are God's gift to the company, as I have been a department head (or second to the boss) and my boyfriend is a company owner. I find there are very few "unteachable" employees, living under a delusion. At any given time, I only had to deal with one employee like that. My boyfriend has an employee who "is always right" now, but he only has one. Everyone else is okay.

Oh, I agree. The ones I describe have been few and far between (and, thankfully, arrived one at a time!). Usually it's been very rewarding to help new people become competent.

Oh, and for the record, I've never yelled or cussed at *anyone* at work (regardless of the provocation:-))--there is never any excuse for such behavior. I'm not, however, "office mom" and never intend to be, and I think there are people who expect that and yell "bitch" when they don't get it. (To whom I say, "Get over it.")

While I agree that some employees think that their job performance is better than it is, I don't think that yelling is very constructive, effective or indicitive of good management.

I wouldn't go into the cost-efficient retaining an employee thing or anything else. I would simply state that I don't allow anyone to scream or yell at me, and that if he needs to criticize I would appreciate a civil tone of voice. She may lose her job, but she won't be able to stay anyway if he intends on screaming and yelling forever. And I really have done this with my own mother. I really don't tolerate people who feel the need to raise their voice to me. You can say the same thing without yelling. I'm not hard of hearing.

Spinning,

I'm probably like you. When someone is doing something wrong, I would point it out in a calm manner. I talked to them in an adult to adult manner and I didn't talk down to them. I also nipped it in the bud, before it became a real problem. Some employees are "caught by surprise" and say stuff like "this only occurred ONCE and ALREADY you're saying something? It's not like this happens everyday!" To which I say, "that's is why I'm telling you. I don't want it to become a problem". I told my boyfriend, he needs to do the same. He has a habit of creating monsters! He is too nice sometimes.

Baby Bates,

I don't tolerate yelling either. A few years ago, I worked at a small company. The supervisor role was divided among three of us (we were equal to one another). I had to tell one of my equals to stop yelling at the employees. He got mad and had an attitude like "how dare you correct my conduct? I'm on equal par with you, so don't tell me what to do". The next time he yelled, I went to our boss and told him he really needs to reel in this guy as he likes to yell at at the assistants and the sales people. That boss must have given him a good talking to! ;)

Your approach sounds sane and reasonable to me. And kind, too. I'll bet, though, that from time to time someone has reacted badly anyway--because there are people who feel very threatened by anything they can perceive as criticism. I'm not being sarcastic when I say I feel very sorry for them--their lives must be very painful; but they do make other people's lives tough too!

Thanks for saying my approach is reasonable. Your approach sounds reasonable to me too. I think it's because I have a nice disposition. I take a genuine interest in everyone. I ask questions and sometimes offer advice. So when I'm unhappy about some unfinished work, they resent my telling them. I work with a bunch of artists. We all tend to be a bit sensitive at times.

ElleBlue and Spinning-I am sure you two are fine bosses. No one should have to hold an employee's hand, but there are very crappy bosses out there. If you go back and read the letter see where the LW says after the boss gets so hypercritical it stresses out the employee and she does poorly.

Luckily, I have never been the target of such, but I have seen it done to others. This one woman I worked with was the target of the boss's wrath. Why? She was basically doing her job because the boss was too incompetent to do it. I would guess jealousy? The boss started leaning on her all she could. What happened? The employee made more and more mistakes.

The rest of us could see who really knew what she was doing-the targeted employee. We did as much as we could to cover up any mistakes. That kind of pressure will screw you up. Lucky for this woman-she found a much better job in an organization that does have a much better human resources dept. We sort of did, but it was a joke.

I would tell Cinderella to first try to grow a thicker skin. You won't last anywhere without it. For some people, I know that is difficult.

If I were the LW, I would be biding my time until I could get out of there. I have had some awful bosses, but I was not a target-they were shits to everybody. What I did was just grin and bear it until I found a way out.

That would be my advice to the LW. Put on blinders until you can find another job. If the boss is as she says, there is little need to talk to him. If her co-workers are not rallying behind her, they won't start now. They might be relieved she is taking all the heat.

I would just focus on doing my job and putting out resumes and applying elsewhere.

Of course bosses are annoying. It happens all the time. But hey, life is rough - you get to DEAL with it. Want to verbally lash out (or, if you're truly stupid enough, physically..) to satisfy your over-inflated sense of entitlement? Go right ahead!

You'll have no recommendation for your next job, and will have a very hard time finding one. You'll have no answer for why your last employment was terminated, and consequently any interview you do get will be very short.

Stores and restaurants get at least 10 applicants for every open position. Do you really think your skills are so extraordinary as to vault you AHEAD of another person whose experience does not include choosing to get fired? References will be called and verified - you can't hide from your past.

There's exactly one solution to this work situation. Continue in your present employment until you find another job - then (and only then!) simply give your 2 weeks' notice, and leave on positive terms.

Be professional about it. You have to realize the situations in which somebody remotely cares about your feelings.. this isn't one of them.

get a good solid fork, when the boss or bully starts in on you, stab that person in the thigh with the fork. If the boss/bully is a quick learner, it should only take one or two times. Some idiots do require 4 or 5 times, but eventually they get the message.

Luckily this person is only in their 20's. They stand a chance at redeeming their career.

Sadly, I'm in my early 40's and finding a position in my seniority status is dismal. My boss botched the management of our project and is throwing me under the bus to cover it up because I went outside the group for assistance. Don't get me wrong; I know my performance was lacking, but it wasn't because of lack of skill or expertise. It was because science is not an exact science and she reported to a Sr. VP results of a one off experiment that cannot be repeated (and reported to the interdisciplinary group our assay was validated when it was - and still is almost a year later - not). Furthermore, she has blindly relied on peer reviewed publications to support her position (only recently admitting it can't always be trusted and only now wants to have the group do reproducibility studies...interesting), refused to acknowledge that my "poor" results were within the window of variation seen by others working on the project, lied about intern personnel being able to perform to better standards than my senior status and fabricated details of my bad performance to deflect her mismanagement. If that doesn't cause someone stress enough to underfunction...she doesn't buy that either!

Interestingly, when I met with her supervisor the to discuss the issues at hand, she stated it wasn't necessary to become a formal issue (w/HR) and even inferred I was being set up for failure and that my supervisor needed to get in the lab to wrap her head around the project. Days later I receive an evite to meet with them and HR. Her justification for the turn-around? The same reason she gave me for not going to HR.

My career and reputation have been tarnished because they both refused to operate under proper scientific methodology and look at what the data was saying. There is a division of support for me in HR, but in the end, without my supervisors' support, I'm toast. You think I'm going to get that when I pull out the hard documentation? Yet I have to be "professional" and not out them as bad managers? Awesome. *two thumbs up*

Sandstormz60:

If you go back and read the letter see where the LW says after the boss gets so hypercritical it stresses out the employee and she does poorly.

I usually err on the side of believing everything the LWs say, but not this time. I've met too many people who thought that a boss saying, "Get back to work" was "yelling." Any criticism whatever of this type of people, and they think someone's "making a federal case of it."

Odds are, he simply corrected her. She didn't like it, ignored it, forgot it, or argued about why her way was better. After the 3rd or 4th time he mentioned the same thing, he probably let some frustration out in his voice.

Too many people - and they have usually been under the age of 25, even 20 years ago - seem to think they can do no wrong, and that everyone should tell them how great they are at every opportunity. I remember my own period of thinking the world "owed" me for my perceived superior mental prowess (and total lack of experience, of course!) Most people outgrow it, if they don't establish a pattern of running every time the kitchen gets a little too warm.

True, there aer lousy bosses--I've had some pips myself. I think the bottom line is, if your boss is making youmiserable and you're not going to change, it doesn't matter which of you is the jerk--just leave. Everyone will be happier.