Hi all,

I've been reading the fray for a long time on dp, since margo was prudie, and I would like to get some advice from you guys, since yours is always better than the "Prudie" they have now. My husband returned from his 3rd overseas tour in 4 years last fall. We have two little boys, 5 and 3 now. The baby has a fatal genetic disease that requires a lot of care- medications, intestinal tube feedings, therapies, hospitalizations galore, etc. All he could talk about the last time he was overseas was how much he missed us and that I was going to get a break from the nursing duties and everything when he came home. Well, he came home and after about two weeks, he completely shut down and stopped talking to everyone-me, the boys, his parents-everyone. He filed for divorce, cheated on me, lied about it and started drinking heavily and partying every night. I signed the papers and we went to eat afterward and I was very upset, but I told him that I would support him and " to know that you always have a place here with us when you figure it all out." He thanked me and TWO minutes later, I walked him out to his car, where a note saying "I love (his name)" was on his dashboard where our picture used to be! I asked him what that was, and he got really quiet then said "I didn't want you to find out this way". I left without saying anything else (with the note) and he called several times telling me how sorry he was. He came over one night and we ended up talking about things, after which it got physical. He looked a little distracted afterwards, and I thought he felt guilty about everything he had done over the couple of months, but he felt bad about HER. Apparently they were still seeing each other. I told him that it would be best if he left. Well, I guess a few weeks later she threw a fit about him helping me and the boys move into my parents' house and he told her to shove it and broke it off. He never told anyone in his family about her at all even to this day. I worked two jobs, even when he was deployed, but I took on so much overtime at both jobs that I worked 12-15 hours every day, 7 days a week, so I could get a house for me and the boys. He wanted to work everything out and I agreed to work with him on repairing our marriage. He got his own apartment after staying with his friend for several months because I thought it was too soon to move back in together. He started partying again, drinking too much, having horrible mood swings, and ignoring us for weeks at a time. He finally took the kids for his first weekend about 8 months after this all started, and I had to come get them and take them home because they were making him anxious. I talked to him and told him I thought he needed to get checked out for depression, which he agreed with and got an antidepressant from our doc and was referred to a psychiatrist. After a week on it, I got a call from his phone, which called me from his pocket, and heard him in a bar hitting on girls and screaming and once almost getting into a fight. This went on for 45 minutes (and he told me he was working late at the recruiting station when he was actually at the bar). Then about 2am that night, he called me crying, he had mixed copious amounts of alcohol with his antidepressant and didn't know where he was, but he thought he was outside of his apartment, and just kept repeating Help me. I told him to stay put and I put the babies in the backseat with their blankets and called ER and poison control. I went to his apartment and he wasn't answering the door or his phone, so I went next door to the police station to see if they could help. They got the door open and he was passed out on the couch and they couldn't wake him. They counted his pills to make sure he hadn't deliberately overdosed, then told me to watch him so he didn't choke on his vomit or stop breathing, so I tucked the kids into his bed, watched him all night, then took the next day off work. He was grateful for me and his dad, who I had called in a panic. He swore he would never drink again with his medication, but he is again now. He is very unreliable and has bailed on everything, from promising to fix my brakes to bailing out at the last minute from our son's Make A Wish trip to Disney World just last month. He flip flops back and forth between wanting to be a husband and dad and wanting to be a partying 21 year old. He has pretended to cheat on me when he gets angry with me and invents girlfriends. I am tired and I don't know what the best thing to do even is anymore. I don't want my kids to suffer the way he did when he was a kid, but they already are. I tell them that daddy is away because he is working on being the best daddy he can be right now, but I don't know what else to say to them, and I don't want them to grow up like this. I have been hopeful that I can keep being the strong one and helping him through this and that eventually our family can recover, but I am starting to think that I am being used and walked on and that he will do it again soon. He isn't sure what he wants to do, still, and the partying continues while I raise the kids alone. I want to figure out the best way to proceed with the least damage done to our babies, since I am beginning to think that I will never get my husband back and that this new, irresponsible and self-centered guy is here forever and I should just let him hurt us and then pick up the pieces and move on with my kids. I hate the idea of leaving him behind, but I don't want to live like this anymore. And I am overworked with my jobs and the sick baby and all the stresses that go along with it all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Sorry so long.

End it.

I'm not sure how he was like before going over seas, that is something to keep in mind, but he is messed up and in hell. He's dragging you and your children into his hell as well and that cannot happen. He needs help, more then antidepressants. He needs to see someone who can at the very least be there to listen but that cannot be you. Your job at the moment is to raise your kids to the best of your ability. So far you have been doing just that but with your husband added to the mix your spread to thin. The last thing your children need is you to not be there for them because your out fixing/saving your husband, again. More so children need stability and good role models, neither of which your husband can or will provide.

You may yet be able to have the relationship you want with your husband, but it must wait until he has fixed himself up. Please, note that I said he has to do it. Because no one else but him can. No matter how many promises you extort, no matter how much disapproval you communicate, no matter, he will still go and do it again if it is in his mind to. I do believe he is using you and taking advantage of you, not consciously though. But I do believe that some people will continue to act irrational and irresponsible as long as they know that the important people will not go away. This doesn't mean he will change if you go away, he might just find another important person.

Ultimately there are three people who are more important to you then your husband, yourself and your two kids. Yourself because who will take care of your children, your husband? He certainly isn't fit at the moment. And your children come before him because they simply cannot look out for themselves. I do hope things work out in the future. I do hope that perhaps a year down the line your husband will be getting help and the two of you will be able to take tentative steps towards renewing your marriage. But at the moment your husbands sounds like a potential danger and a definate drain on resources (energy, time, and money) and your children, at the very least your children if not yourself, deserve, no need, better then that.

Jessica - You are truley breaking my heart, I am so sorry you have been delt this hand. I am no expert, just a shlub that has seen a bit of life. I would say your young man (21?) has had way too much input and things happen in his life, he cannot process it all. He has gone through much also, and a 21 year old male who has been overseas is not ready to face the hard and multiple problems that he is encountering at home. It isn't his fault entirely, just too much has happened and he is NOT ready to settle down, plain and simple. I have seen this behavior before too. On one hand he probably wants to be with you, maybe just not all the kids and problems though. On the other hand he probably hates himself sometimes on how he is treating you and his kids, and that torments him also. This is a person that doesn't know which way to go, and either direction isn't his "choice" or desire. It all looks pretty bleak to him. You on the other hand still with ALL your problems is still trying to keep it all going, you are a saint, or so it seems. I think the bottom line solution for now anyway, is for you to cut him loose. Tell him he doesn't have to feel that he has all these responsibilities. It will give you both freedom and release. You will no longer have to hassle his behavior, and you will also now have a clear direction and some goals to work for. He will feel relieved and maybe in the distant future he will thank you and be ready to settle down with you. I would not hold yourself back however, if you find someone else or start a relationship with someone, please let it flower. Like I said you need to move on, otherwise this will go on for years and deep down he will always think you took his youth and freedom away. I pray for you and your tough road. I wish I just had more soothing words for you. God Bless

Jesus. I am so sorry this has happened to you. My greatest sympathies. I can't imagine how hard it is to have a sick baby and such a messed-up ex-husband.

He's beyond flip-flopping between responsibility and partying. He's seriously disturbed, and there's no way you can help him alone and he's sure not in a position to pull himself up by his bootstraps. Reach out any military resources you can find or imagine that work with PTSD troops, with families. Get community support. Go to your church. You can't do this alone.

You also need to set limits on him. No more cancelling Make A Wish trips for his sorry self. No more late night calls, even by accident. No more listening to accidental cell calls. Your kids are your priority, and you need to protect them from the worst of his problems without lying to them about his trying to be "the best daddy" possible. He's not. And when your older kid is 12 or so, you'll probably have to have a long, serious talk with him, prepped for over the years with smaller talks. Your husband's bad actions do not have to mark your kids if you're honest, loving and can inspire them to be different and better. Tall order, but don't moms all get that?

And that's the best I can do, I know you'll get better advice further down the line here. You've got my sympathies and best wishes.

is that you're not a fuck up. I mean that. You're the exact opposite of many of the people who write to Prudie with tiny problems they can't deal with. You have big problems you can deal with. Kudos to you for being a good mother, wife, probably neighbor too.

Your husband needs professional psychiatric help-- and probably years of it. This is one of the unseen costs of wars. He needs a whole road to recovery thing that you're not qualified to guide him down.

So my adivce is to be supportive yet firm. He's a danger to himself now, but hope isn't lost. Best of luck.

Jessica,

Your husband is more than depressed. He is without a doubt on a self destructive path. Now I'm no Dr. Phil, but has anyone thought about PTSD. Find out if the VA can be of any help to him. Not that the VA is of much help to any of our brave vets, but a firm diagnosis would be a start towards a cure. He needs professional help.

First of all, beware of blaming all of this on his experiences in the military. There are a lot of men who behave EXACTLY like he is now, and trust me, they have never been where he has.

The problem is that he doesn't want to be married, not really. I suspect that if he had never gone anywhere, he would have gotten to this point eventually anyway. The other posters are right, though, he's the one with the problems, not you.

I have to echo what everyone else said. You have to cut him out of yours and your children's lives. He has chosen to act like an overgrown frat boy instead of a father, and they don't need him around right now.

There are a couple of things YOU need to do right now. First stop sleeping with him. He's been screwing around all over the place - no, it wasn't just once and you know it - and you can't afford to be dealing with whatever diseases he's picking. I am serious here - NO MORE SEX.

Then you have to ask him for money. With a sick baby to care for, you have no business working two jobs. Your place is with your child, and for that to succeed, your husband has to ante up. Contact a lawyer. There are services that will give you advice for free. You need some sort of agreement in place to make sure he's paying you support.

If you have to, then go through the military. Tell them what's been going on, find out what you can do and don't give up until you get help.

Even if you tried to "work things out" with your husband - you need to understand that it might take you the rest of your life to build your trust for him again.

Instead of recommending drugs - you both need to sit through marriage counseling.

Not sure what kind of work he did in the military - but could he have post-traumatic stress disorder? Maybe he misses his friends. Maybe he misses screwing around and getting away with it. I think that giving him prescription drugs is just a band-aid to what's really wrong with him.

You are tens time the woman I am for sticking by your husband's side but that's why your vows say "for better or for worse".

Stop telling yourself that you need him. He's completely selfish and irresponsbile. Through all of this turmoil, he's done for himself. And you're there pampering him and carrying a huge load - taking care of yourself and your children. Isn't that part of HIS job as a husband?

I've never been married so I don't know what it's like to throw my hands up. But I will say that if you want to stay together through all of this - someone's got to be the bigger person. Judging from things - that person is you. You're going to have to forgive him and get used to carrying more of a load than he is. If you can honestly do that without holding this against him the rest of your lives - I say you have a chance.

Otherwise - it's time to move on my dear - for YOUR sake and your children. They're better off with one great parent than watching their mother deal with a dead-beat dad.

And I don't blame you for asking The Fray for advice...I've considered it myself.

First the good news. He has had a lot of things going on in his life. 3 tours in 4 years, a child who is dying, whatever else I missed or didn't mention. So at least there is some basis for his going over the deep end.

Now the bad news.

Lots of other people, yourself included, have gone through a lot of stuff, and are act responsibly. His actions are a choice, even if he is depresssed.

Think of it this way. He is sliding over a cliff. You threw him a rope, and have been holding on ever since his walking out on you. However, the weight of his problems and his bad choices are starting to pull you over with him. At some point, no matter how much you love him, you must let go and save yourself and your little ones.

I don't know how long you expect your younger child to be with you, but your older one will have enough adjustment when that time comes. Stop covering for Daddy. Tell them the truth, gently. Say that Daddy is having a lot of problems, and isn't able to be the sort of Daddy for them he'd like to be right now. He still loves them, but needs to work through these problems. In the meantime, you three are going to go on as a family to try to make things better for yourselves. They need the stability.

As for your husband, tell him that you are finished with the games. Suggest he go to the VA to get the help he needs, but not to call you for assistance until he has been clean and sober for 6 months, minimum. Continue to communicate with him as to how and what the children are doing, but refuse to allow him to drag you into a conversation about how you are or about how his life is going, other than what you need to know to keep your children safe. (If he's drinking and driving, for instance, you have valid cause to keep them home with you.)

A lot of men while breaking up with their women will use the one he's leaving as a relationship counsellor for the one he's leaving her for. Don't let him. If he tells you anything about his girlfriend(s), tell him you don't wish to discuss it, and hang up or shut the door. Do not grill the children about what he says or does, but allow them to volunteer whatever they like. Show interest, as in "Did you have fun with Daddy?" but not, "When did you go to bed? Where did he take you? Who was there?" etc.

He likely will grill the kids about you. You can't do anything about that. When he has an appointment to be with the kids, until he is reliable again, tell the kids, "Daddy plans to come get you on Saturday if he can." They'll still plan on him coming, but they won't think you've lied if he doesn't.

Finally, do not allow it to get physical again. You don't need an accidental pregnancy at this point. If and when he gets his act together, and only then, you can start dating again, just as you would date any man as a single mother. Don't let him sleep over, as the kids will think you are getting back together. Don't let him do anything in your presence which you wouldn't tolerate in your home, like heavy drinking in from of the kids or whatever.

Make the divorce final. Demand reasonable child support, and expect him to pay it. Apply for any benefits - SSI for the child, VA dependent benefits, food stamps, whatever, that you or the kids may be eligible for. Don't be ashamed to ask for help, even from the government. You've paid taxes and worked hard to earn the help.

Long answers to a long problem, I know. Good luck. You will need it.

Wow. I feel for you, and your problems. I certainly wouldn't want to experience what you are going through. I also know that I would handle it the same way you have. So there will be no judgement from me because your instinct is to help the one you love. I will try not to reiterate what others have said.

From what you've wrote it seems to me that at some point you stopped blaming him for his actions. You feel he has psychological issues, and maybe if he gets help this will all go away and you can be a family again.

One thing you need to remember is that he had a choice in all of this. Even if he has problems that aren't his fault he has handled them very poorly. Instead of turning to you for love and support he disrespected you, and treated you terribly. Being the loving devoted person you are when he pleaded to you for help you came to his rescue. Regardless of what he has put you through. It didn't matter to you that it was his own fault. In the future you cannot do that. You can call someone (the police etc), and send them but you cannot pack up your children and go to rescue him. Trust me please...If you are ever to have a future together being there for him no matter what now will not help. You believe it will gain you more love, and respect but it really just turns you into more of a doormat.

You need to show him you care without becoming something he can walk all over. Don't give up on him completely (he is still the father of your children) but do not become someone who is there doting on him no matter what he does. That will only show him his actions are OK with you, and do not gain consequenses. In the end your feelings will never be valid with him because your actions will speak louder to him than your words.

Please do not hope for the best. It would be wonderful if he could get the help he needs, redeem himself, and become the man you want in your life. This is unlikely though. He has already shown how he behaves in times of stress, and even if he gets help it's more likely that in times of future stress he will revert. He will once again be the drunk, angry, depressed selfesh man that he is now.

I hope your life becomes the wonderful life you always hoped for. One point that is very important that someone made...If you come across another man that you find yourself falling for...Do let it flourish. Allow yourself romance with a good man. When you're ready start dating, and find someone you deserve, and who deserves you, and your children.

Best of luck. You are a good person, and you deserve good things.

Please visit http://www.va.gov/ for help.

As a military wife and mother I would like to offer advise and the names of agencies and groups that can assist you and your family. However, I have read your post several times and I am having a problem accepting some of the things you have said.

So, I'm asking ( as most of the people who read Prudie have wanted to ask others who come here for advise) that you provide a little more information.

1. you say your husband has been overseas 3 times in four years - what branch of the military is/was he in and were the three tours combat duty?

2. If it was combat duty: what happened to your allotment, your childrens allotment and his combat pay as you say you worked two jobs to support yourself and your kids. Also, Military loans for homes are available at low interest rates with no or low downpayments

3.You go on to imply that he is a recruiter/ works at the recruiting station: They don't normally deploy. And after just four years in any branch it is almost impossible to get a recruiters assignment if he was an enlistee.

4.Are you divorced? If not you can still contact his CO or your FRG to get the help that you need. Do you know what an FRG is?

5. If you are divorced and he is still active military your children are still military dependents and are entitled to his benefits.

6. I'm having a problem accepting that the police would break into HIS home on your say so, especially if you are divorced,unless you live in a very small town where everyone knows both of you.

7. What police would leave a drunk , possibly drug overdosed,unresponsive person in some ones care with the instructions that you posted. They would be letting themselves and their city in for one hell of a lawsuit if the person died or ended up in a coma

6.How could you work 15 hrs a day/ seven days a week with a child as sick as you describe.?

So, if you would, please take a few minutes to provide a little more information. Because , if your story is true there are many wise and compassionate people here on the Fray who have and will offer you good advise and their hearts will break for you, as others who responded before me already have. But if this is a made up post, they don't deserve to be hoodwinked . ( theres' a good old fashioned word.) And our men and women in the military deserve better than to have made-up stories posted on the internet that cast a shadow on their re-intergration into society.

If I am wrong I will apologize,But, for now I cry Bullshit

Please read <link>

Thank you for taking the time to bring up issues I also had thoughts on and is the reason my reply was only to post helpful links.

Is the writer so busy, lives in an anti-war community and so geographically removed from the military base and the support it provides?

Visit http://www.va.gov/ for the support available.