It was hot evening in East Cleveland, Ohio on the thirty-first of August in 1946. Alice Corsi (nee Hanlon) squatted over the toilet in the bathroom of the poor and dirty apartment she shared with her husband Louis. She was suffering mightily from the largest, bloodiest, and most painful hemorrhoid she had ever experienced. It was simply one more annoyance in her disappointing and meaningless life.
The post-war prosperity boom sweeping the country had done little to benefit the couple. While others in the factory where Louis worked had achieved jobs as officials and enforcers in the local union that allowed them to become rich through intimidation and graft, Louis was considered too unintelligent and, frankly, too unhygienic for any important work and was placed in a meaningless position with the ridiculous title of “Public Relations Director.”
Whenever another body would wash up on the docks at Lake Erie, it was Louis’s job to be rounded up by the police and mumble, “I never saw nuthin’!”
Alice, a former low-class prostitute, would have left her worthless mate long ago but for the fact he routinely looked the other way as she continued to ply her former profession, now primarily for her own pleasure, and that his meager paycheck helped pay for the penicillin she required to treat her numerous venereal diseases.
She groaned and shifted her weight on the toilet seat as she jammed her right index finger, with its grotesquely long false nail, up her rectum in a desperate attempt to find some type of relief.
She located the bulbous, squishy balloon of flesh almost immediately. It seemed further down her anus than she previously remembered. At times, the pain it produced was a sharp stabbing sensation that Alice remembered very well from when one of her former pimps beat her up. It was only itching now but the need for respite was overwhelming. Alice raked her finger within her rectum, heedless of any damage she might cause. There had been worse things up it plenty of times before, she reasoned.
To her surprise, the mass moved almost as though it had come free. She pulled harder at it and at 8:09 P.M., Eastern Standard Time, Jerome R. Corsi entered the world and immediately plopped into the toilet water below. The first known human baby to grow parasitically in its mother’s large colon rather than her womb and delivered anally, Corsi seemed destined to spend his life in the sewers and gutters, raking up muck and throwing it at passer-bys.
Corsi had a strained relationship with his father but his interactions with his mother were unusually “intimate.” Many observed the two kissing and hugging and some even report him nuzzling shamelessly at her breasts. Corsi has said this last practice ended when he was weaned at about one year old but the self-testimony of an incestuous sexual deviant is inherently unreliable, meaning there is strong reason to believe he had an active intimate relationship with his mother until the poor woman’s death.
Disliked and often brutalized by bigger, stronger, and better kids, Corsi learned as a child that others could be hurt through lying, tattling, and otherwise ruining their reputations, all of which posed no bodily risk to his under developed and sexually stunted physique. Interviews with neighbors that this poster did not have time to conduct reveal that three children were killed as a result of Corsi’s deceptions and five seriously maimed in “hazing” incidents.
In 1968, he showed up at Harvard, having faked transcripts that claimed he graduated with a B.A. from Case Western University. Examination of these documents by experts resulted in the judgment that they “look fake.” Corsi left Harvard four years later after the doctoral thesis he submitted, entitled Me Give You Money, You Give Me Diploma, Everybody Be Happy, was summarily rejected by the faculty for eighty-seven separate ethics violations.
Despite this, Corsi proudly reports he “holds a Ph.D. from Harvard.” He has yet to confess the name of the legitimate scholar there from whom he stole it. Corsi denies this episode but since, as Doris Kearns Goodwin notes, the word of a known plagiarist is inherently unreliable, it must have happened exactly as I imagined it as described herein.
He married Joy Dugan in 1970, whom he subsequently murdered in cold blood. Corsi contended that Dugan refused him oral sex and he was only doing “what any red-blooded husband is entitled.” The judge rejected this argument but ultimately dismissed the charges when defense lawyers proved Corsi was repeatedly sodomized as a child by his maternal grandfather, his father, his older sister, his younger sister, his priest, several assorted altar boys, and the family cat. He was judged to have likely been bat-shit insane at the time of his crime because he was bat-shit insane pretty much all of the time.
Corsi says he never killed anybody but since the word of a psychotically deranged murderer is inherently unreliable we must also consider that Corsi has never satisfactorily proven that he was not involved in the rape and murder of “Little Miss Beauty Pageant Winner” Jonbenet Ramsey to the satisfaction of Denver police and remains a suspect in that case to this day.
Corsi developed a number of interests and causes that came to define his professional career. These included taunting and spitting on handicapped and traumatized former veterans, disrupting the international petroleum industry’s infrastructure, advocating the West to provide Iran mullahs with nuclear weapons, shooting illegal aliens as they cross the Mexican border, promoting the first step toward world government by creating the North American Union, and writing novels.
Unfortunately, Corsi’s novels failed to gain any interest from publishers. He cleverly re-submitted them as non-fiction instead of fiction and soon was #1 on the New York Times bestseller list. This reinforced his oft-stated mantra, “The American Public is a bunch of retarded assholes that should be killed after they give me all their money.”
Critics routinely accuse Corsi of outright lies in his books or cherry-picking facts and quotes to create sensationalism. He agrees to this but says he does not care. His employer, WorldNet Daily, issued this faint praise of his works.
Jerome Corsi Ph.D. is renowned . . . worldwide for his ability to break down . . . national prominence with . . . His latest book . . . which . . . could have been avoided with stronger enforcement of . . . political science expertise.
After the September 11 tragedy, Corsi publicly commented it was “too bad” the planes had not crashed into other New York City buildings and killed even more people, especially ones he did not like. That same year he married his second wife Monica, an Argentinean immigrant, despite his long-standing opposition to immigration. This and his accusations against both Jews and President Bush, point to Corsi himself as directly involved in the attacks. Corsi denies this but since the word of an extremist Islamic terrorist zealot is inherently unreliable, he probably did it.
Corsi reached his highest fame in 2004, when he joined the Swiftboat Veterans Against John Kerry, a group of old men bitter about their own military experiences who felt that two thousand dead American soldiers in Iraq was a job only half done. However, Corsi was ultimately kicked out of the group, most of whose members will soon spend their eternities justly rotting in hell, as being “too extreme” even for a bunch of lying scumbags of their proportions.
Things began going downhill for Corsi from this point. He announced that he would run for Kerry’s U.S. Senate seat but shamefacedly admitted on C-SPAN's Washington Journal two years later that his wife had “vetoed” this idea. This further suggests that Corsi is actively under the psychological control of a foreign agent or, at the very least, pussy-whipped like you wouldn’t believe.
Corsi tried swift-boating Ohio Democratic gubernatorial candidate Ted Strickland while on the payroll of Republican rival Ken Blackwell but Strickland went on to win the election by a two-to-one margin. Then fellow conservative author and pundit Debbie Schlussel accused Corsi of plagiarizing elements from columns that she has published and subsequently posting them under his own byline. Corsi denies her accusation but since . . . . well, you know.
His confidence now shaken, Corsi announced in May 2007 that he would be the Constitution Party’s candidate for President. He subsequently dropped out in July, saying that his penis was far to small to allow him to be taken seriously by anybody.
Fortunately, new opportunities came knocking when Republicans needed another bunch of lies made up and published about Barack Obama. Corsi was only too happy to comply.
Of course he lied when writing The Obama Nation . . . that’s what Corsi does.
