... somebody stole the frickin' tomatoes off my plant. They were almost red and I was waiting for just the right color and whammo, someone helped themselves to my meager harvest.

What I wanna know is this. If my mom worked from age 18 to 46 and died before she could collect social security and my dad worked from age 16 to 67 and only collected social security for four years before he died at 72, where the fuck did all their money go?

I bought a new bra and it rubbed my chest raw underneath my boobies. It hurts sooooooooooo bad! It was only 100 degrees here today so wooo hooo, sweaty raw boobies. Aren't ya glad you read this?

Today I had a quarter cantalope for breakfast, an orange Tootsie Pop for lunch and two Pacificos and 400 mgs of Advil for supper.

I think anyone who earns less than twenty grand a year shouldn't pay income tax.

This is for Jealous and Confused, a family reunion.

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Seriously, grow the fuck up! An egg does not make a sister or brother! If this is all you have to worry about, imagine working in a pet store for minimum wage, cleaning up dog poop or worse under the evil eye of a brutal, abusive boss.

Wtf is the matter with Red Tape guy? You have two choices, well three really, if you want to include one that is NOT passive-aggressive. 1) Discard the bench and disavow any knowledge of it's disappearance. If or when questioned say, "I thought YOU removed it". 2) Plunk your ass on it every chance you get and I betchya an Andrew Jackson, she moves it to her side of the common area. And just fot fun, 3) Talk to her.

It is meat and potatoes time people.

My ex rode a bike, a big one, recklessly. As a former Moto racer he thought he could split lanes or cut through traffic with barely an inch to spare. He would lay down far enough to dag his knee or speed every chance he could. He out ran the CHP twice, that I know of, and he bragged about it!

He crashed several times. Once on the freeway he was sideswiped and layed it down, came to a stop after skidding two hundred feet. He lost a lot of skin that time.

The next time he was sandwiched betweeen two cars. One in front stopped short, he stopped fine but the guy behind him slid on gravel and mashed him in between. He was wearing a pair of shorts when it happened, less than a half mile from our home. Two big dudes in a truck brought him home, all mangled up and bloody and I drove him to the ER. He had the gear shift go through his calf. Our kid was freaking out. He had told his daddy, "Go fast daddy!" and of course Camel Ass raced off waving. I ended up driving him to physical therapy for six months so he could learn to walk again. While he was rehabilitating he fixed his bike.

One day, after listening to his I feel like Superman when I'm on my bike speech I said, "It's the bike or us. What's it gonna be?" He got rid of the bike. I was more concerned about our son growing up fatherless but my ex valued instant pussy more than fatherhood. I would like to go on the record and say, now that our son is in his twenties and no longer needs his father, well, not really, I hope my ex bought himself a new motorcycle and has recaptured the joy I stole from him by issuing my ultimatum. In fact, I hope he is riding right now. At this very moment.

So, that said. I am going to guess that Scooter Mama is a parent. My advice to her is if she wants to save gas money, get off your fucking ass and WALK TO WORK!!!!!

With visuals even! After I opened the first link, I 'bout neared pee'd my pants.

I have a digital camera and a 12 pack of Pacificos. You're lucky you didn't get a link of my raw boobie. I am glad I made you smile. I luv ya. Really I do!

: )

Absolute brilliant, you are. don't ever change that wondering mind of yours.

My contempt for motorcycles is exclusive to my ex. He had no respect for himself, his family, the bike, the road or other travelers. I grew up around bikes. I love them. I ride them.

This Saturday Skip Fordyce the Harley dealer where I live is giving away a new bike. I wanna win it! If I win it, you can have it.

This Saturday Skip Fordyce the Harley dealer where I live is giving away a new bike.

So is ours Saturday, Buddy Stubb's Miller Lite is throwing a party there.

Saturday is the 105th anniversary of HD. Did you get raffle tix for a new bike too?

I have five.

Ease up there, babydoll, save some for the rest of us.

First impression: cast iron stomach. The acid from the cantaloupe on an empty stomach would have me spewing over the kitchen sink within 60 seconds. Tootsie Pop okay but I don't like candy. Two Pacificos on an empty stomach would be okay but I wouldn't be able to stop there; I'd have to eat something, take a Pepcid AC or (my preference in my younger years) continue to drink till I passed out so I remained unaware of my stomach emptying out.

But the Advils on an empty stomach with only two beers in it would turn me into the human rainbird of projectile vomiting. Combine that with your raw-rubbed boobies and I'm thinking we're a shoo-in for the American version of Absolutely Fabulous. Wait, we need more Stoli!

BTW, were those your eggs in the pics? Cute kids.

I worked in a physical therapy clinic and one of the patients was a guy who worked at the winery who got hit by a semi on his bike and was dragged for miles down Hwy 99. The complete left side of him was down to the bone and the complete right side was constantly chewed from the endless series of skin grafts. I kinda think about that guy every time my one and only rides his Suzuki to work to save gas money. What really gets me is those quickie trips to the Circle K. It's always those little unplanned trips within a 5 mile radius of home that get you, you know?

My uncle used to be a professional motorcycle racer until he went through the barricade and hit a brick wall and had to be wired back together. When he quit racing, he went to work for many years for Skip Fordyce. I remember the baseball cap he used to wear and part of the logo was four dice and at some point I was like, "Omigod I get it! Four dice = Fordyce!" Quick, that's me. Good luck on the bike contest and the 12 pack.

I have a strong stomach. I'd have to eat mussels or drink a keg to get sick.

Yes those were my kids. UNTIL I ATE 'EM! Bwwhhahaha!

A few months after camel ass was out of PT, he was sitting on the sofa watching TV and a piece of gravel worked its way out of his elbow. The road rash that just kept on giving.

Sorry about the tomatoes, too. Made me remember my childhood trauma. I'm telling you because I know you'll understand.

Okay, you know how a caterpillar crawls to the end of a branch and hangs there and turns into a cocoon? Well, I used to think that tomatoes were the result of a tomato worm crawling to the end of a vine and hanging there, going from green to bright red. So when my grampy would pull a tomato fresh from the vine and bite into it, letting the insides run all warm and slippery down his arm, I about had a cow every time because I thought he was biting into a big fat gutsy squirty tomato worm!

I didn't even know how to articulate this to him. He'd say, "What's wrong with you?" and I'd be thinking How can I not be freaking out now?! You are eating a gigantic bug!

My cuz just recently won one from the dealer in Billings. Boy is he proud!!

pbev:

What I wanna know is this. If my mom worked from age 18 to 46 and died before she could collect social security and my dad worked from age 16 to 67 and only collected social security for four years before he died at 72, where the fuck did all their money go?

I'd like to say it went to someone who worked 20 years and became disabled, or to someone who retired at 65 and lived to 105. However, much of it went to the general fund for politicians' pet projects. Like most of Texas' highway fund does. And the money that was approved on condition that it all would go to education, but the-Gov Bush redirected IT to the general fund, too.

Stinkin' politicians.

(Deep breaths. Okay. I'm calm again.)

That last one was supposed to be "lottery money" that was to go to education.

Despite my lucky juju and high hopes, I regret to inform you, I did not win the Harley Davidson limited edition anniversary special chopper for you today. C'est la vie, next time.

I also did not win $105,000 - $10,500 - $1050 or $105. I also did not win any gas cards, any prizes, any of the raffles or even get a free hot dog or icy cold water. The food was gone when I arrived. I did get to see a lot of nice bikes.

To everybody reading this, my free tip or the day:

Never cook when naked.

Breasts, nudity . . . why do you keep reminding me I'm single?*whiney histrionics time*

That said, you've also reminded me to be glad I don't have to wear a bra and of one of my Mom's fav stories of her teenage years (A friend of hers made the mistake of frying something while in his underwear--hospital time!).