A while ago I posted a thread about how my boyfriend's mom hates me for completely unknown reasons because she's only met me and my family once, three years ago. Well, I got my boyfriend to ask his dad about it, and this is what he said:

I made a bad first impression.

He described me as "cold" and "maladroit". So, I guess, my boyfriend's mom must have concluded I'm a bitch and has refused to see me ever since.

Part of me thinks that's a totally disproportionate response to a single bad impression. But the other part says that most people I meet aren't going to give me a second chance. Like job interviews for example. That's life. Get used to it. Learn some goddamn social skills.

Some shy people are shy in an endearing way. If you're feminine and shy, people think you're cute. If you're a shy man, people think you're the strong silent type, or they think you're a nerd. Which isn't great, but better than what I get. If you're a shy sarcastic tomboy like me, people think you have a real attitude problem. Stand-offish. Aloof. Snooty, even.

My boyfriend says he likes me the way I am, but he's offered to coach me in social graces, being a skilled extrovert. By the time he's through with me, he says I'll be talking like a morning TV show presenter.

Part of me says I should do it. But the other part of me is resisting. I feel like I'd be a huge sell-out and the idea of impersonating cheerful bubbly charm makes me gag.

So which bit of me needs to get over myself?

I think both bits have their time and place and what you really need to recognize is when those are.

You are right on the job interview - you need to make a good first impression so use everything your boyfriend has to do that. You need their approval.

When it comes to meeting your in laws you should attempt to be the most perfect version of you that you can possibly be. This is a balance between the two points because their approval, while not necessary, certainly can make life much easier. You don't fart when you meet new people right? That isn't betraying who you are, it is just using the social polish. In the same way, you need to learn not to make smart ass quips around people who don't know you well enough to know how to take it.

Then there are people that you might become friends with. You don't need their approval so feel free to be yourself.

So, take your boyfriend up on his offer. Then you have one more tool at your disposal to use as needed.

If she's still hanging on to that first meeting after all this time, then a large part of this nonsense is her own fault. By this time, she should realize that you aren't going anywhere, and she should have made at least some effort to get to know you. Her son loves you. You'd think that by now she'd have tried to find out why.

I suspect that she was looking for an excuse not to like you and this is her answer. Probably she made it up on the spot when her husband brought it up last week. It makes her look like the offended party and she can now claim that nothing you do will change her mind. NOBODY would be "good enough" for her. If it was another girl, she'd be "too fat", or "too something else".

Forget about apologizing. It won't work - it's that kindergarten mindset at work, she wants to see you crawl, and if you do it once, you'll be doing it for the rest of your life with this man. Remember that she's still laboring under the delusion that she has enough control over her son that she can "make" him leave you.

The only thing you can do from now on is to be painfully polite to her at all times. Don't give her a reason to say anything negative about you. If she continues to do so, then she looks like a twit, and if her ego is as big as it seems to be, that'll drive her bananas. Whatever you do, don't say a single thing about it to her.

If you marry this fellow, take heart. You aren't expected by anyone to adore your in-laws unreservedly. Your boyfriend doesn't have to adore your family, either. If the best you can manage is for everyone to be civil, that may be all you can hope for. It's VERY NORMAL to be that way. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

After all, you're with HIM, not his family. You don't live with them, and you're sensible enough not to live in walking distance from them. Make your own life and relax. That they adore you (and vice versa) is not required.

My, isn't she judgmental?

It wouldn't hurt to accept his coaching. If you disagree with what he's telling you at some point, verify it with trusted, socially adroit friends.

Still, if this woman condemns you for life for one nervous meeting, she has some serious problems. While you are with him and not with his mother, should you marry, you will have to deal with her probably more often than you think.

Take it slowly.

Maybe he can point out a time someone she does like made a bad impression on someone. Hubby told me last time he met one of my beloved relatives what a b---- he found her to be. I pointed out she acted just like one of his, admittedly younger, beloved relatives. Since I was willing to put up with his for him, it was only fair for him to put up with mine for me, especially since we see her less often. He agreed.

I wish I knew how to be unfailingly polite. I follow all the rules. Greet people, shake their hands, say please and thank-you, try to smile, don't put your elbows on the table, don't slurp, offer people tea at the dinner table before pouring your own, but coming from me it's robotic. I'm like a small child who is doing all this stuff under duress.

Adult manners are totally beyond me. I cannot project charm and grace. I cannot make small talk. I cannot exchange pleasantries. I don't know what to say. I cannot pretend to be effusively grateful. If I try to make conversation I find myself stumbling over awkward gaps. I cannot hide the fact that I feel very uncomfortable. I know enough not to make smart-ass comments to strangers, but then I err on the side of silence and end up coming across as rude anyway because people think I'm snubbing them on purpose.

I'm not going to apologise to my boyfriend's mother because I wasn't trying to offend her deliberately. And she's probably off her rocker anyway. But that doesn't change the fact that I suck at social interaction, and it's in my best interest to get better at it because I am guaranteed to have to deal with people as judgmental as she is.

I've been lucky so far. I managed to land my current job (which I love) because I impressed my boss with my work during an internship even though my first impression was awful. Everyone thought I was an idiot for the entire summer until I wowed them with my finished research paper. But I'm not going to be so lucky again.

I still hate, hate, hate the idea of having to impersonate Katie Couric though. Eeeeggh.

There are charm schools or finishing schools which teach even adults how to behave graciously. Many companies send prospective execs to them. See what you can find.

Try to make sure they are a match for you, though. I remember as a kid, there was one giving away free lessons as a promotional someplace. I found out what it was they were giving away, and basically said "no thanks". One of them (both were adults) commented, "She needs it!" as soon as my back was turned. I told her at least I knew not to talk about people like that, so maybe she was more in need of it.

It's really only a matter of not reacting to anything negative anyone says - there's a learning curve there - but it's not that difficult once you get in the habit. Practice a semi-blank slight smile in front of the mirror. They're his parents, let your boyfriend do the talking and agree with him a lot in front of them.

The rules were once summed up by a 5-year-old of my acquaintance... his rules for life were: "Walk, don't run; say please and thank you; and DON'T SHOUT."

I would add that you needn't feel that you have to "make conversation" with anyone. In fact, allowing the silence to draw out for a couple of seconds can lead to some interesting revelations - one thing that's well known among teachers and psychologists (etc) is that most people, when confronted by silence feel the need to fill it. If you can resist the urge, you can have some real fun.

Above all, be yourself. Don't pretend to be Katie Couric (no one likes her anyway) and don't try to fake "perky". Smile and nod a lot, and even if YOU think someone's an asshole, they'll love you.

Sweetie. It means everything that your guy loves you as you. So don't get too down on being yourself.

Learning to manage your public image for fun and profit is another power tool in your bag to help you do what you what to do in life. Trust me, we all have to learn this to some extent. You just don't want any door to close for you because you need to get comfy talking about the weather?

As for cold and maladroit? It's rather, Hello Pot, Kettle calling! At least you know what you're dealing with. Good Luck.

Oh, and it so is a disproportionate response to a bad first meeting...

MessyONE:

Practice a semi-blank slight smile in front of the mirror..

Messy, I am so enjoying imagining you doing this at my desk as the clock ticks down to my deadline...... :)

Kea:

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My boyfriend says he likes me the way I am, but he's offered to coach me in social graces, being a skilled extrovert. By the time he's through with me, he says I'll be talking like a morning TV show presenter.

Part of me says I should do it. But the other part of me is resisting. I feel like I'd be a huge sell-out and the idea of impersonating cheerful bubbly charm makes me gag.

So which bit of me needs to get over myself?

Here's what needs to happen - you need to like yourself. You are not your boyfriend. You are not a morning TV show presenter. And thank god for that.

You are just you, and if you want to "improve" anything, it's to be the best YOU that you can be. Not an imitation somebody else.

I am also an introvert. I am also fascinated by people and their stories, so I have learned ways to get other people to talk about themselves. We are both happy and I now have a reputation as a brilliant conversationalist. For saying almost nothing. Go figure.

I don't know you, so I couldn't say what you might want to work on. I'm not even sure what your goals are in wanting to change yourself. If your goals are just to make other people happy, it probably won't work.

I'm also not in love with the idea of your boyfriend "coaching" you to become something you are not. It would likely change the dynamic of the whole relationship, and not in a good way. You would either fail to live up to his expectations and disappoint him, or you WOULD live up to his expectations and disappoint yourself.

If your outside doesn't match your insides - for instance, if people are reluctant to talk to you because you have a forbidding or cold facial expression, but you really would love to have more people talk to you, then you can learn to relax your facial muscles into something more welcoming. But consider that maybe you really don't WANT people to talk to you. That's fine. Maybe you don't like very many other people. That's the kind of thing you need to just accept about yourself, because I don't know that you can really change that.

I was painfully shy as a kid, and socially awkward for a long time afterward, because the shyness had kept me from learning all the social rules other kids knew: how to make and keep friends, how to introduce yourself into a group, what was appropriate amount of "fitting in" and what was "faking it" and so on. I remember both enjoying and being terrified of being in groups during high school (because you can hide in a crowd, but the crowd looks when you screw up). I would get in and out of friendships for the weirdest reasons because I didnt' understand the cues and clues other folks picked up on easily.

It was a combination of therapy, working on my social fears, and believe it or not, interacting online that taught me how to overcome the shyness and adapt to social situations. It took a lot of practice, but online conversations and interactions are so much less risky than real ones. Now I can stand up in a room full of total strangers and give hour and a half speeches without flinching. It's my own version of self-inflicted systematic desensitization.

there are plenty of obnoxious extroverts that don't have "social grace." What you need to develop is the ability is read clues and contexts.

For example, you may be shy but when your met your BF's mom, you should have recognized there is a power imbalance between the two of you, and you should have made more of an effort to connect with her.

You don't have to talk a lot to say something meaningful. Some might even say the two are mutually exclusive. There's nothing wrong with shyness, although it could indicate you have self-esteen issues, or, frankly, that you're boring. Read more. Design informed opinions. Listen to people. Realize that they're just as worried about being accepted as you are. It's all common sense, but you have to work those muscles.

one thing that's well known among teachers and psychologists (etc) is that most people, when confronted by silence feel the need to fill it.

The walking definition of the above was on one of my planes yesterday. She did not shut up from the minute we got on board in Austin through landing in Dallas all the way to our connecting gate where we all found out our flight to NY was canceled. And she was not shy about volume, either.

its yggy:

when your met your BF's mom, you should have recognized there is a power imbalance between the two of you, and you should have made more of an effort to connect with her.

True, but lots of people freak out when meeting "the parents". My daughter's husband did. We still think he's an idiot, but he's a well-meaning one. And for her sake, even before they became engaged, we were polite to him.

Unless someone was completely out of line - vulgar, smoking when asked not to, stealing something, etc. - we try to make all our kids' friends welcome. Even the ones who got completely on our nerves, we didn't tell not to come back.

The OP can always hope his mother will get abducted by aliens, I suppose.

I've spent too many years dealing with clients directly not to have learned that skill. After awhile, it becomes automatic. The Boy calls it my "asshole face", meaning that when I'm confronted with one that I dursn't actually tell off, I put on that face.

It has saved me a lot of hassle over the years, believe me.