So, based upon nick names here, I see a break down of opinion on the STD letter this week. Men tend to want the wife not to approach the husband and women do want the wife to approach the husband. My guess is that so often men do the wink-and-nudge when it comes to other men's infidelities. So, I would like to confirm my observation more imperically.

I'll start: I'm female and think the woman should tell the husband that she has/has had trichomoniasis.

I think she should tell him, but that she shouldn't structure it in a, "You cheating bastard, you gave me an STD!" sort of fashion. Though I'm a bit confused as to whether she is currently infected with Trich or not.... However, I don't feel vehement about it.

Female, of course. Though some call me an android. Do robots have gender?

Wait a sec, the letter said they had BOTH been treated for Trich in the past, so he knows she has had it.

I think she should sit down with him and tell him exactly what the doctor told her, that Trich is rarely contracted any way but sexually. I wouldn't accuse him of anything, just repeat the information.

If he says he never cheated, say "well, we both need to be more careful around that filthy bathwater from now on, then, because I am tired of getting this disease"

If he says he did cheat, since she doesn't seem to mind the idea all that much, tell him to put a goddamn cassock on his bishop the next time he wants some strange.

Freki

I'm female. By the way, PhysicsGirl, electrical plugs and sockets have gender, so why shouldn't robots? It would depend on whether you are an android with a probe or an android with a compartment, as far as I can see.

kick 'em in the nyuuuutzz.

He gave her a flippin' STD! She should have a complete work up for STDs ASAP (HIV, PID, etc).

Married female.

As this is a comunicable disease, she definitely should inform her husband so he can see his own physician. The confrontation, if any, can wait.

But she's gotten conflicting information from two doctors. I'd get a third opinion before I accused him of infidelity. As "pjwrites" on another thread pointed out:

"In general practice and in gynecology, vaginal trichomoniasis is a frequent and troublesome problem. However, the trichomonas vaginalis organism is frequently found in an apparently healthy vagina, indicating that symptoms, recurrences, or exacerbations may depend on local changes in secretions, probably due in part to emotional stress. Therapy must, therefore, include not only the topical use of an effective trichomonacidal drug, but also sympathetic and considerate listening by the physician."

I don't know anything about this disease but this excerpt would indicate it can lie dormant for years and not be eradicated the first time. It could be triggered by the "emotional stress" of traveling abroad. And I'm troubled by phrases like "it's practically impossible to get it any way other than sexual intercourse." That leaves some margin for error. Does it seem odd to anyone other than me that they keep getting the same type of STD every time they go abroad? Is he visiting the same gal at the same resort they go to each vacation? Is it a regular squeeze? Maybe he has a girlfriend on the side? Are there more troubles here than the LW wants to face? Can I more wildly speculate? or add any more question marks???

Quick digression (my apologies): PhysicsGirl, I want to take this opportunity to tell you how touched I was by your post the other week when you said someone "was being mean." It was so heartfelt, so tender, so human of you, it nearly brought tears to my eyes. It was like seeing Mr. Spock hug a fluffy kitten. Bless you darling. I don't care if you got male or female parts, or both, you're my favorite 'droid.

I'm a male. She needs to tell him the truth about Trich and then they can figure out the source, but don't jump to the accusations.

Freki, now you have me thinking about the electrical plug and socket analogy. How the socket just stays in the wall while the plug can go around from socket to socket and be turned on no matter which one it goes into. But I guess the plug never brings diseases back to the first socket, so the analogy is sort of lost there.

Smoke,

As a man who was on the other side of this scenario, there is no proof that HE gave her an STD. Last year my wife made a trip back to Korea. The trip, as usual, included a few trips to the sauna with her friends (and one where she and her mom went.) Two months after she returned, she called me on the way home from her OB/GYN and told me we both needed to get a prescription for trichomoniasis. Her doctor pretty much accused me of cheating, but she assured him that wasn't the case. In fact, I was faithful to her for the three years BEFORE we ever met and it's been almost 20 years since I slept with another woman. I did the research and the most plausible explanation was the trips to the saunas.

The letter writer's first doctor may have been right; the second doctor may be causing unnecessary strife. I still would talk about it with the spouse, much like my wife immediately discussed it with me.

The Cincinnati Squid

... if for no other reason than he has to get treated so they won't be merrily infecting each other over and over.

I have my suspicions about this guy, though. They have BOTH been treated for trich more than once, which would kill the argument that it was dormant in one of them pretty decisively. The treatment is effective - each time they were treated it's we can assume that the bug was COMPLETELY gone by the time they were done. This means that the second, third, however many times they were treated, it was for a new infection.

She should have a full STD panel as well. Until she has every single result back, she either shouldn't have sex with him or use a condom. It would be foolish on her part not to do that. She may not want to deal with her husband's affairs, but if he's doing this, then he's putting his wife at risk. That's not love, that's abuse.

By the way, if the husband had written the letter, I'd be telling him the same thing.

Having known more than one woman whose doc turned up this infection, whose husbands shrugged and said "not me," who ended up finding out that the bastard was, in fact, screwing another woman (or women), I say she should start checking his cell phone records and bank accounts. Let him know she has it. Have a full STD workup done. Oh, and stop having sex with him until further notice.

MessyONE:

I have my suspicions about this guy, though. They have BOTH been treated for trich more than once, which would kill the argument that it was dormant in one of them pretty decisively. The treatment is effective - each time they were treated it's we can assume that the bug was COMPLETELY gone by the time they were done.

I don't know that we can assume it was killed each time they were treated. The treatment is only as effective as the people implementing it. Didn't I read on another thread (and I think it was Grungie, who purports to be a doctor) that treatment involves no sexual contact without a condom for six months following initial treatment, to make sure it's killed. I can't see very many married couples following that. And, since apparently hubby is asymptomatic with this, they may not have even gone back for a follow-up. Just took the meds and thought, "we're good." And maybe they weren't.

I'm more suspicious of the fact that they keep getting the same kind of STD. That seems significant to me, as if it's internally reoccurring and not being obtained from the same outside source. I mean, what are the odds that you'd pick up the exact same thing each time?

But I agree, they both need a thorough workup and the liberal use of condoms until they get to the bottom of this.

I think it's weird that she gets the same disease (who's to say Dr. 1 hasn't been treating her for other diseases, like the clap, that also have icky discharge and may be confused with a yeast infection (and come on, this lady sounds EASILY confusable) and not just trich?) pretty much every time after they've visited some foreign country.

Hope they haven't been visiting Haiti much!

And I think she should get out of DeNial before she starts doing anything. Give her time to figure out what it is she wants the end scenario to look like. Though, eventually, this dude is going to have to face some sort of music.

I have been known to hug a kitten or two. But I do look around to make sure that no one is watching. After all, I have standards to maintain.