Let me get this straight: your husband gave you a VD (Trich, is a VD not a yeast infection), and you don't want to confront him about it? Are you kidding me?

It seems you're being a silent partner here for too long. Two affairs...one case of Trich and you still are sweating in your moccasins about being too confrontational? I don't see how you still have a marriage here, because obviously your idea of what it is and his are on two separate wavelengths.

I could forgive one transgression, but two and a VD...I don't think so. Counseling can be a healing tool, and that's the only part of Pru's advice on this one I agree with. Why don't you think you're worth more?

Why do you think she has to value her worth in the same manner that you do? She says she doesn't care about the affairs / STD but she is happy. That says to me that he is doing other things that she does care about. Maybe he cuddles her at night, maybe he buys her expensive jewelry, maybe he helps her with her disabled child on a daily basis. Whatever, he is obviously doing something right in her eyes.

What you can forgive is important in your relationship, not hers. I was actually very impressed by the fact that Prudie recognized that different people can be happy in different circumstances and shouldn't have to pretend to be angry / hurt just because society says they should.

Susan, cuddles and jewelry don't excuse what he's done. What I am saying is why does any woman continue to stand for this, acting as if confronting a man they love is so horrible?

Any man worth his salt should respect his woman not to bring such pain to her. You do have a point about what she can excuse being different from me. It strikes a nerve with me because I have been in her shoes and I now think more of myself than to allow such conduct. But it seems to me that there is a clear lack of respect and communication from him, and that's just not OK.

iscandara:

Susan, cuddles and jewelry don't excuse what he's done. ...

Any man worth his salt should respect his woman not to bring such pain to her.

I certainly agree. But the question wasn't what he should do. And the answer isn't to tell her how she should feel. Some people can get past these things, and others cannot. Only she can decide whether she is able to or not, and even then, she has no control of how he might react.

She and her husband have been treated for STDs multiple times in the past;

I went to see my gynecologist for a simple yeast infection and asked if I would need to have my husband take medication to make his infection go away, too, as we have done in the past. She was confused and asked me what kind of infection I was talking about. When we were abroad, I would occasionally get trichomoniasis from contaminated bath water, according to my doctor, and he would prescribe a pill for my husband to take, too.

It seems to me that her husband has infected her multiple times.

Prudie and her original doctor have been giving her. She's obviously emotionally okay with this situation, but no one is talking about the real health risks. Every couple and family is different emotionally. But failing to protect her health, especially if they have children is a huge issue. It says an awful lot about how little the husband values the wife.

For LW #3: Darling I love you, and I'm willing to tolerate your screwing around for the sake of the health insurance and having a roof over my head, because I'm too passive to actually take care of myself. From now on though, you don't get within shouting distance of my body without a condom. >>

values the wife if he's willing to risk her long term health and well-being with unprotected sex. Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision to treat a person as if you value them.

I'm all for allowing differences in how people see things, what makes them happy, and so forth, but any human being, man or woman, deserves a certain amount of care and respect in a relationship. If one partner is too passive to demand it, then that is an unhealthy relationship. The LW cannot even decide to HAVE A CONVERSATION with her husband about the multiple times he infected her in the past. The LW says nothing about divorcing him, or kicking him out, or even yelling at him. To quote: "On the other hand, I hate to risk spoiling the loving relationship we have built over the years by raising recriminations. Should I have the conversation or not? " The loving relationship? The one where he repeatedly put your physical heath in danger? The one where he disregarded the vows he took?

At this point, the LW is a grown woman and she's not going to have a radical change in personality. She's not going to suddenly gain assertiveness. Just because she hasn't been infected lately doesn't mean he isn't still cheating, but it's clear that the LW would rather ignore the issue, so that's what I suggest she should do.

It always cracks me up when people start screaming about 'health concerns' when it comes to STDs. A couple facts:

People do things every single day that negatively effect their health. They eat poorly, they don't exercise, they go into the sun without proper protection, they bungee jump, they stand up to dictators in third world countries, etc.

Most STDs are not going to kill you. Most STDs are really not more than an inconvenience (as shown here).

So what it boils down to is, sex is one more way in life that people can get hurt. But it feels good so people tend to take that chance. Some people die from STDs, some people die from skin cancer, everybody dies from something eventually.

However, those sitting in judgment outside of the relationship (ie, Fray posters) have to have some reason to want to draw and quarter this guy. The LW admits she is not scarred beyond repair so we have to immediately jump to the health concerns! OMG! He is killing her!! Now we have justification to condemn him!!

Get over yourselves folks. How she treats her health is her business. Incog's idea is a good one and hopefully she takes it but we don't get to stone this guy because we've decided he is being unacceptable.

angryfeet:

I'm all for allowing differences in how people see things, what makes them happy, and so forth, but any human being, man or woman, deserves a certain amount of care and respect in a relationship. If one partner is too passive to demand it, then that is an unhealthy relationship.

I would agree with you if I thought it was a case of her just being too passive. I'm not getting that though. I get that she is happy, she really doesn't give a damn about the affairs.

She isn't asking if it is ok for her to rock the boat. She is asking if it is ok for her to be happy with the boat exactly as it is. And I say, hell yes! If you are happy, don't give that up just because somebody else thinks you should be unhappy.

becauase he's infecting her? While this sounds like a personal problem. I would point out to you that your insurance premiums and the teetering health care system that we all utilize will pay a price for the failure to deal with these types of issue untill they are BIG issues. There is a public cost to private behavior. If she's fine with his infidelity, then great. But the fact that he's not using a condom is a HUGE public health issue.

Oh look! The extremely predictable response to allowing somebody to decide what to do with their own body "Oh I pay for it so I get to dictate what she does with her body!"

Great - there will be a team of doctors set up to examine your lifestyle shortly. I'll assume you'll be perfectly willing to follow all advice on vices to cut out of your life. After all - I'm paying for your health care.

"People do things every single day that negatively effect their health. They eat poorly, they don't exercise, they go into the sun without proper protection, they bungee jump, they stand up to dictators in third world countries, etc.

Most STDs are not going to kill you. Most STDs are really not more than an inconvenience (as shown here).

So what it boils down to is, sex is one more way in life that people can get hurt. But it feels good so people tend to take that chance. Some people die from STDs, some people die from skin cancer, everybody dies from something eventually."

While I agree with the premise, the difference is that they are choosing to do this to themselves, not having it imposed by someone else. It's one thing to destroy your own health, but no one has the right to mess with anyone else's health.

Oh I'm not arguing that it is ok to pass on STDs willy nilly. He was wrong not to use protection.

However, she is making a choice here. She makes the choice to stay with him or not. She makes the choice on what protections she will use or will demand be used by him. She even makes the choice on if he ever gets sex from her again. And I'm ok with saying, whatever choices she makes in those areas are completely her choices. Nobody else gets to step in and dictate what they may be.