Dear Crabby,
I've been sleeping with my new boyfriend who I’ve only known for a few months, but he won’t cuddle and hold me all night long. I’ve tried asking, demanding, and even crying. Why is he unwilling to do as I say?
— “Saving Ryan’s Privates”
Dear “Six inches of separation”,
First let me congratulate you on not insisting on love, trust, and understanding as a precondition for hot sex. Guys really appreciate that, as far as I can tell. That said, you’ve developed a severe case of “demanding bitch-itis ”. The usual symptoms are a desire to change a guy’s appearance, and drive away all his old friends, but you’ve taken it to new heights (depths?) by insisting on control his body position during the 8 hours he’s unconscious. I don’t have much experience with dominatrixes, but I feel you (subconsciously) have this in your nature. Seek a guy who’s a whimp, and you’re sure to have lifelong fulfillment of quivering obedience. And don’t forget the leather and chains.
- Crabby, who cites your letter as a reason why some guys resist getting tied down in a relationship
Dear Crabby,
A few years we started a book club. It now has 30 (women only) as members, but one of them doesn’t agree with the rest of us in our discussions. Some members have stopped attending meetings because of this bully. I’ve never seen anyone kicked out of a book club for being out of sync before. How is it done?
— “The Librarian never rings twice”
Dear “Dense and Densibility”
Presumably you’re all poor readers, and thus need a book club, because the solution is obvious. Just delete her name from the email list for the next meeting. In the event she does figure out she’s no longer invited, and asks why, tell her you her “it wasn’t working out”. We’ve all used this dump a bad boyfriend right, so we all know what it means, right?
- Crabby, who suspects you might be married to the first man who ever asked you out?
Dear Rudy,
I work for a nice lady boss (the company owner) but she’s anti-semitic. I’ve grown tired of her rolling her eyes and citing “the protocols of the elders of zion” whenever we get a client with a jewish sounding name. I’m afraid if I voice an objection she’ll think I’m jewish too (I’m not). I’m off to grad school next year, but really need this job in the ineterim, so should I say something and risk her wrath, or just keep my mouth shut?
— “Goys Don’t Cry”
Dear “American History Axed”,
In this sort of situation I always ask myself : “What would Martin Niemoller do?” If you haven’t heard of him, make an effort - no one should go to grad school that ignorant of world history. That said, you’re experiencing the first of a lifetime of ethical dilemmas: “is it okay to look the other way when bad things happen, if taking a stand would be personal inconvenience to me?” Only you can answer whether or not you actually have the character to make a difference in our troubled world, of course.
- Crabby, who by way of full disclosure must reveal that she is a lapsed jew (but secular now), and note that this hasn’t saved her from the very observations you cite – that she looks jewish, has a jewish sounding name, or what not, and therefore must be ruining America or oppressing the Palestinians by default. Sometimes Crabby feels like getting on the bandwagon and adding to America’s ruin, if she’s going to be accused of it anyway. Oh wait – the business owner in the letter above is doing more than her fair share already. I can stand down. Whew . ..
Dear Crabby,
When I was 10 my dad had an affair. I found out because my parents were fighting, and mom decided to "get back" at dad by telling me. The next day mom told me to never tell anyone, that it was a family secret. My dad apologized to me. My parents went to counseling, reconciled, and are still together. Now, 15 years later, my mom still doesn’t want to talk about. I feel like I should tell my brothers and sisters to “get back” at her. What do you think.
— “I dismember momma”
Dear “Unpleasantville”,
I think you should go to counseling too. Getting messed up by learning “the secret” should have taught you a lesson, but clearly didn’t. My guess is you have a lot of issues with your mom, and this is just one of them. Forgive and forget is of course easier said than done, but it doesn’t seem like you’re putting any effort into either. Don’t expect your mom to be a fully credentialed psychologist (don’t expect Crabby to be either, for that matter). Do you really want to be known as the daughter who created a massive rift between the entire family, forever and ever? Let the answer to this be your guide. — Crabby, who can’t understand why someone wants to exact huge revenge on her mom for a single moment of weakness 15 years earlier – that’s why she recommends counseling.
