I'm honestly perplexed by reading all the messages here...I haven't had that many boyfriends, (married #2, but then, I've done all-night cuddling with plenty of "just friends" of both genders in college...maybe it's just those tiny twin beds?) but regular all-night cuddling has always been part of the standard package for my physically and emotionally intimate relationships. She had a strong emotional reaction to what she saw as bizarrely mixed messages. (Imagine your high school boyfriend having sex with you, holding hands, but refusing to kiss you...what is that supposed to mean? Does he not like kissing? Is this some bizarre emotional distancing? A bit of sobbing when you're trying to figure out what the problem is doesn't make you a clingy psycho girl.)

Here, let's have some practical advice for Unembraced: what did he say when you talked about it? He found it hot and uncomfortable. The hot part is easily fixed by turning the thermostat down and getting a fan (as an added bonus you may find you sleep better and deeper in a cool room) and the uncomfortable part can be handled with trial-and-error and some patience. Try starting out with taking some naps together on weekends and experiment with positions until you find something that works. You'll probably have to compromise here; different people's bodies fit together different ways, and some positions that are great for awake cuddling just don't work when you drift off. You may have to settle for being a bit less-intwined when actual sleeping is happening, but I expect with some patience you can find something that meets both your needs. (Also, if you haven't already, apologize for the crying and have a nice, calm conversation about all of this. He's probably also feeling hurt and bewildered.)

If he really can't sleep with any physical contact and you aren't satisfied with some pillows, well, it's a sucky reason for a relationship to fail, but better you try all you can now and move on if it's a real deal-breaker. People have broken up over weirder things, and there are lots of cuddlers out there.

If I could cuddle all night, I would, but I (and most of the men I know) tend to "run hot" - Every woman I've shared a bed with usually gets bundled up down to the socks, and I can't sleep in anything more than boxers.

He clearly isn't anti-cuddle, seeing as how he apparently does cuddle with her for a few minutes before bedtime. The LW either needs to move on to someone who can cuddle with her or realize that his behavior isn't a result of any kind of emotional distance.

Years ago I was dating -- well, mostly sleeping with -- a German man who can only be described as "hot blooded," quite literally. I couldn't stand to be entwined with him all night; it was just plain sweaty and uncomfortable. It did not remotely mean that I didn't want to touch him; in fact, I liked to hold hands, he didn't. I read this woman's letter and thought, does she really want to hang onto somebody all NIGHT? what happens when you want to change position? Or what about leg cramps? Waking up with a crick in your neck is not fun. I think she should way compromise.

I love cuddling, but I absolutely cannot sleep while cuddling, no matter how much I may love someone. I'll cuddle for a bit before I fall asleep and when I wake up, but when I'm ready to fall asleep, I can't cuddle. I toss and turn at night, and I need the freedom to move. It doesn't mean I don't love my boyfriend or have fear of commitment or intimacy issues, it just means I want to get a good night's sleep! In my opinion, the letter writer is absurdly insecure.

When I was young and pathologically romantic, I thought it would be just lovely to sleep entwined with my inamorato. And the first couple times it was - because sleep wasn't a high priority at first, and because we often were moderately drunk when we went to bed, which made it much easier to fall asleep quickly.

Once the novelty (and alcohol) wore off, all I could think about while "cuddling to sleep" was how my lower arm was getting tingly, and whether I could roll over to give that arm a rest without waking him, and whether I'd then be able to fall asleep before the fresh arm started to get tingly, and whether my head would roll off his shoulder if I really relaxed my neck, and whether he could possibly be comfortable either. Not remotely romantic.

I still like to feel warmly surrounded when I sleep, but this is much easier to do with a few well-placed pillows and well-tucked blankets than with another human being.

She definitely should try some pillow or stuffed-bear experiments. And there may be more that he could do without too much trouble, like snuggling up to her when they first wake up.

I don't care how low the thermostat is. Skin to skin contact gets hot and sweaty after a while. I don't think sticking to someone while sleeping and waking up salty is very tender and romantic.

MsChris:

I still like to feel warmly surrounded when I sleep, but this is much easier to do with a few well-placed pillows and well-tucked blankets than with another human being.

She definitely should try some pillow or stuffed-bear experiments.

I'd highly recommend cats. I can't believe some of the contortions mine wind in to get the maximum amount of fur pressed up against me while I sleep :P

Cats seem to love sleeping on my face.

I think they just try to cut off the maximum oxygen flow. I sleep on my side, and cats always seem to park right in front of my nose.

The last time my bf and I let the cat sleep in the room I ended up rolling onto the boy all night, because between the kinda cuddly boy and the INCREDIBLY cuddly cat, I had no room. Some smart, alert part of my lizardbrain seems to have informed me that it was much, much safer to roll onto the human than onto the cat, which is both more squishable and much, much pointier.

' Try starting out with taking some naps together on weekends and experiment with positions until you find something that works. You'll probably have to compromise here; different people's bodies fit together different ways, and some positions that are great for awake cuddling just don't work when you drift off. You may have to settle for being a bit less-intwined when actual sleeping is happening, but I expect with some patience you can find something that meets both your needs"

Sounds like learning some complicated kind of martial arts. Isn't it easier for her to accept that not all her stupid spolied wishes will be always granted..

"(Imagine your high school boyfriend having sex with you, holding hands, but refusing to kiss you"

Unless he kisses in his sleep, this is a horrible example.

I think sobbing over cuddling does make you a clingy and insecure girl. And I am a girl.

If she's thinking that he doesn't want to be with her because he can't seem to stay attached to her side all night then she's just over thinking things.

My boyfriend likes to cuddle. He asks me to cuddle him more. He wouldn't mind if we were attached to each other all night. But me? I can't do it. He's hot and I get too hot being next to him. Even when I'm not wearing much at all. I like to be able to move around and spread out a bit and some people just have a hard time changing that. It's not like you can be conscious of it -- you're sleeping!

My wife sometimes ‘jerks’ at night and I have been kneed between the legs many times. We had to get a king sized Tempur-Pedic bed so I wouldn’t wake up as she was moving around so much at night. We still cuddle but as she falls asleep I move to the other side of the bed to protect the family jewels.

nisedc:

Years ago I was dating -- well, mostly sleeping with -- a German man who can only be described as "hot blooded," quite literally.

Is this the obligatory nod to Godwin's law?

I guess what I would want to know is if during the waking hours, how does he feel about me? I love to have my husband cuddle with me when we're awake but I know as soon as we both fall asleep, we're on our own side of the bed! I have to use a pillow to prop up my one leg and he needs to always sleep on his side, the side that faces away from me. Doesn't really matter though, we're sleeping! He kisses me goodnight before we fall asleep, every night, he tells me he loves me and I return the same back to him, don't know why you are fussing about this? If you truly love him, you'll figure out that sleeping is just what it is, sleeping. Does he touch you while you are awake? Does he let you know you are special while you are awake?

Yes, I agree, people break up for the dumbest reasons! Are you going to be one of those couples? Hope not, especially if you both love each other!