Dear Bibo -
I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my wonderful new boyfriend, who is perfect like Jesus, except that, unlike our Lord, he refuses to cuddle me unto his bosom all night long.
You see, a needy crack-whore like me needs to feel special, despite the endless parade of wealthy men who pay good money to brutally rape my ass on a daily basis.
I've tried EVERYTHING to get my boy-toy to change - screaming, crying, pleading, hand release, oral, anal, anal after oral, oral after anal, dildos, canola oil, rose petals, laser hair removal, handcuffs, boiling his housepets, flattening his tires, castration, fucking his boss, fucking his friends, fucking his father, fucking his mother - heck, I've even started bathing twice a week - and none of the tricks in the standard crazed harlot's handbook seem to make a dent in this guy - once he shoots his spooge in my face, the bastard just rolls over, and snores.
How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend him to my will, and make him give me the all-night 24/7 skin-lovin' this needy toothless whore needs to justify my lack of a soul?
Signed, Boa Destructor
Dear Desty -
All too often these days I find myself in lamentations over the general population's lack of even the most BASIC knowledge and understanding about what the Bibo Sez.
While others might counsel you to see a TheRapist, or slip the lad a daily dose of Ecstasy, or most stupid of all, waste tithe money by getting a fan and turning down the thermostat, the Bibo Sez there is a simple way to address this situation - find another hot concubine to fuck your boyfriend in your stead, and then to cuddle with YOU afterwards.
You see, in GOD'S handbook, the Bibo Sez that men are permitted to have many, many wives AND concubines - heck, the super-wise nerd Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3).
Likewise, you are the sweetest princess of your beloved, my dear, and as Royalty in the eyes of the Lord, you should take to heart the fragrant nectar of what the Bibo Sez: "Your Majesty, let us search for a young woman who has never been
married. She can stay with you and be your servant. She can lie in your
arms and keep you warm" (1 Kings 1:2).
And that is what the Bibo Sez.
Bless you!
#$#$#$#
Dear Bibo -
I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - this miserable slut who has slithered into my hen party.
You see, a few years ago some drab, mousy girlfriends and I started a "book club" (snort) as an excuse to get together and rant about the worthless pig-men in our lives that we all nevertheless still enjoy fucking.
Things were great until one member of the group accidentally stumbled into a Gentlemen's Club, and struck up a friendship with this all-nude table-dancing ash-blond bombshell Barbie bitch named Alanis.
Alanis is outrageously and unbelievably hot - tall, curvy, willing, bisexual, illiterate, and always scantily clad at most - and, needless to say, she has been disrupting the regular proceedings of our man-hating fest ever since the first time we used her thong panties to make chip dip.
How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend MY group to MY will, and make them kill this snake and treat ME with the LOVE and AFFECTION that NUMERO UNO deserves?
Signed, Undone by a Cottonmouth
Dear Donnie Cotton -
God have mercy - of ALL the books you and your stupid club members have pretended to read and discuss, the one and only book you SHOULD have been studying all along is what the BIBO SEZ - you dumb bitch, you.
Nevertheless, even I must admit that our Lord IS a Lord of Mercy, and despite your Jew-like perfidy in ignoring what the Bibo Sez, there is still hope for you, as long as you are willing to repent, and return to what the Bibo Sez.
First off, despite the fact that you are both worthless, stupid, betraying daughters of Eve, yet still there is a HUUUUGE difference between the vaginas of an adulterous shrew like you and a hot harlot like her - you see, the Bibo Sez that "a prostitute is a deep pit; and a wayward wife is a narrow well" (Proverbs 23:27).
So, you Beast - gather up yourself and ten of your horny girlfriends, and do what the Bibo Sez: "And the ten horns which you saw, and the beast: these will hate the
harlot and will make her desolate and naked, and will eat her flesh and
will burn her up with fire" (Revelations 17:16).
And, of course, bury her bony remains in a deep pit.
And that is what the Bibo Sez.
Bless you!
#$#$#$#
Dear Bibo -
I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my employer, a wonderful, and perfect-like-Jebus direct boss named Eva Braun, who nevertheless HATES the perfidious Jews whom in their shameful iniquities continue to reject the Saving Love of our Messiah Jebus.
The thing is, I just LOVE sucking the ginormous cut cocks of those nerdy Jewish accountants who audit our books, the wealthy Jewish bankers who service our loans, and in fact, the three Jewish athletes who played in this year's All-Star Baseball game - and that makes me a "shikse" - a lovingly pejorative Yiddish term derived from the sheketz, which means "abomination," "impure," or "object of loathing".
My problem is that I'm living in constant fear that, one day, the Big Boss lady might slither into my closet, and catch me with a mouth full of sperm from my Hymie boyz, and fire my well-laid ass.
How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend her to my will, and make her respect my bris-tickling tongue?
Signed, A Shiksa who loves her Diksa's
Dear Shiksa -
It is indeed tempting to HATE the evil Jews - after all, they betrayed Jebus, rejected Him as Messiah, had him killed, and to this day they continue pose as God's Chosen People despite their clear blood-guilt.
Or, whatever. (Yawn).
The problem is that, well, Jebus Hisself was an observant Jew, born of a Jewish Mum, and a son (more or less) of a Jewish Dad.
Jebus spent his entire ministry preaching to Jews; all his disciples were Jews; and He died as the "King of the Jews".
To whomever might be tempted by Satan to reject the evil Jews, the Bibo Sez: "Hath God cast away his people? God forbid. For I also am an
Israelite, of the seed of Abraham, of the tribe of Benjamin" (Romans 11:1).
SO, next Spring, invite your boss out to dinner, and take her to a Passover Seder, so that she might learn the awful truth about the tribe that gave us our Savior.
I'm guessing that "Hiding the Afikomen" will be a new fave around the water cooler - and bragging about the sexual prowess of your many Jewish boyfriends won't hurt matters, either.
And that is what the Bibo Sez.
Bless you!
#$#$#$#
Dear Bibo -
I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my own diarrhea mouth.
You see, when I was 10 years old, my mom tried to convince me that my father had had an affair.
My parents were fighting because my dad was not as obsessive a cuddler as my mom craved, and my mom decided to "get back" at my dad by
telling me about an alleged affair that never actually happened.
It crushed me that my stupid, needy bitch of a mother would abuse me, my loyal father, and my siblings in this fashion.
The next day, my mother, regretting her own obvious evil stupidity, told me
to never tell anyone about it - it was a family secret, she explained, much like the many times our beloved family priest shoved his pinky finger up my moist and ready lady parts.
My dad, the responsible (if too much pussy-whipped)
man that he was, apologized to me for my mother's pussy-having insanity, and that, as they say, should have been the end of it all.
Nevertheless, as a normal, stupid, emotionally-crippled woman, I've managed to hold onto my anger for far longer than any reasonable man (or maybe even, woman) could ever dream of, and of course, I never told a soul until I decided to write you and let the whole God Damned world know what a worthless dunce I am.
How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend my mouth to my will, and learn to not be such a dumbass as to write a public columnist with stupid lies that made me sad decades ago?
Signed, Di R. Rhea
Dear Die, You Drama Bitch -
You've got my head spinning, you filth, but not so much so that I've forgotten that the Bibo Sez about the Perfect Plan for you and your sorry life: "I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet" (1 Timothy 2:12).
And THAT is what the Bibo Sez!
Bless you, and AMEN!
