Some people like to be cuddled; some don't. For some people, nonsexual physical contact is a necessary part of intimacy.

Skin-to-skin contact is how mothers first bond to their infants, how children learn that their parents love them and develop a sense of security and belonging. It's even stabilized premature infants in incubators.

Not everyone needs that physical contact, but the LW does. Her boyfriend refuses to give it, even under her excessively clear expressions of that need. Therefore, the two are incompatible and should probably break up.

But that doesn't mean she's insane for wanting to be cuddled. Her desperate begging and crying for "even one night a week" is really weird, but it doesn't necessarily mean that her needs are excessive, just that her needs are different from his and her reaction to the situation is excessive.

What she needs to do is evaluate the relationship and the strength of her needs and decide either that

1) This need is so important that if he's not willing to accommodate it, they should break up so she can find a partner who will meet her romantic needs.

2) It's not important enough to break up, in which case, she can just buy a couple of body pillows and wall herself in for the night.

Who said it was a she that desires this cuddling?

One of the major issues I had with her need was that she sees only one clear way to meet it - he must sleep intertwined with her. Period. But there are lots of ways to do the skin to skin intimacy that doesn't involve sleeping intertwined. For instance, he could lay next to her and snuggle her while she drifts off to sleep. He could come home for work and have a 30 minute 'wind down' cuddle session with her. There are all kinds of ways to handle this that doesn't involve sleep. But somehow she has built up in her head that love = sleeping intertwined.

Combine that with the extreme reaction and I see a girl that is troubled. She cannot leave this relationship and find another partner to meet her romantic needs because, odds are, nobody outside of a romance novel is going to be able to meet her romantic needs.

Susan,

I do agree that there are different ways to do this. My impression from the letter was that he bee-lines for the other side of the bed and turns his back to her, so she gets no physical intimacy at all.

I also definitely agree that her reaction is extreme and weird.... almost to the point that I wonder if the letter was changed to make it more controversial.

Look, I understand how she feels. But she's being selfish. Most couples have a disconnect in this area, just not as large as theirs.

Here's what most people do. Cuddle while awake, kiss goodnight, and roll over and go to sleep. To keep the cuddler (aka "the scruncher") from chasing the non-cuddler to the edge of the bed all night, permit some minor contact. For example, let them rest their foot on the other's foot, or fingers on their arm. Just something to reassure them that the other one is there and not going anywhere.

I think that deep down, many cuddlers feel insecure in some way, or at least feel very alone. Having a minimal physical connection helps allieviate that for most. This woman (or guy, yeah, but crying??), however, seems beyond the pale.

It doesn't really seem weird to me. We all have scripts that say 'this is what a relationship looks like'. For instance, we've had a lot of discussion around here about how much couple time verses alone time is 'right' for a relationship. For some reason her script says, people who are in a relationship sleep intertwined. And I could see how that would seriously bother her that this man is not living up to her internal script. It just worries me that her script is so 1) rigid and 2) overly romanticized.

I don't think the letter was made up, I just think she needs therapy to discuss how real life can often be quite different than what you'd imagine in fantasy.

I think the girl is nutso..

It is a she, I think. I guess it could be a gay man, but the lover is definitely a he. In any case the LW needs to get a grip.

The boyfriend DOES make an effort: she says he is happy to hold her or be held when they get into bed, he just wants to unwind to go to sleep. That sounds like he is being reasonable and trying to compromise. She responded by going on a crying jag because he wasn't compromising his comfort to fulfill some romantic ideal she has.

I like to cuddle, and so does my man, but sometimes (especially during the summer) skin sticks to skin just like it does to a naugahyde couch, so we separate. It is just too uncomfortable.

She should buck up and be happy with cuddling on the couch and in the bed before sleep, or leave this poor shmoe so he can date someone who isn't a whiny octopus.

Freki

I wouldn't say I have any aggression toward her (I'm assuming it's a her), but it just reminds me of every neurotic girl I've dated. "Why can't you do this simple-sounding thing for me. Don't you care at all about us?!"

Honestly, the problem sounds more like it's a breakdown in communication. It's not like watching Grey's Anatomy once a week where you can just sit on the couch and put up with something you don't like for an hour, it's sleeping with what amounts to a 100 degree heating pad all up around you. Some people can do that - more power to them - but just because he can't doesn't mean that he's disinterested. I mean, he cuddles with her for a bit before he rolls over, so it's not like he's avoiding all effort. He just needs to let her know that it's not a "I just don't want to" and more of a "I'm not able to" situation.

I don't know if she's nuts, but her demands seem excessive and her reaction seems immature - if I had to bet, I think there's a good chance she's somewhere around 19 to 22.   

And before you think the guy is a total heel, consider they've only been dating for a few months.  He cuddles her for 5 to 10 minutes a night, and apparently he tried to do more cuddling to meet her needs after she asked, but it's not enough.  I don't get the impression he makes a beeline for the far corner of the bed, just that like many men would, he finds it hot and confining to sleep wrapped around someone else.  It's one thing to be held in someone's arms and rest your head on their chest - that's nice.  But it's kind of comfortable for the one supporting your bony cranium all night, and I don't think he's being cold or unsympathetic to want to sleep normally.

I am sorry to begin flaming, but the LW and Selene have got to be kidding. The LW is a ridiculous characature of a human being and Selene is her emotional cripple fellow traveler. The OP is insane, I dont know what other way to put it. If I was the guy in question, I would pick a cardinal point of the compass and go that way. Fast. If you cant see a fistfull of reasons that this young lady is this years candidate for the 'Crispin Glover' award, youre probably one of them too (or dont know who Crispin Glover is, Google him).

Selene, I agree with you that a man should be held accountable for his behavior, even when he is asleep, or trying to be. Yes, I also concur that not meeting his inamorata's need at the cost of his own sleep for 8 hours a night is completely selfish, immature and not worthy to consort with the Princess LW. I hope the Princess is reincarnated as Paris Hilton's pocket dog, I feel they were made for each other.

The fact that you feel the way you do and elucidate it so well is a likely indicator that you are batshit crazy as well. Hopefully your boyfriend will read this, realize the peril he is in and take appropriate action.

As a disclosure, I would like to say that I am a completely neurotic, insecure cuddlebug myself. I hold hands alot, kiss and cuddle while sleeping, constantly. I pretty much have to have some part of my body touching my partner as we sleep, so I am not insensitive to the issue on its face. Over the years, I have worked out how to determine my partner's level of comfort and adapt my own practices accordingly. Like one of the suggestions, sometimes its nothing more than a foot touching a leg, but that is usually more than enough. Oddly enough for a compulsive cuddler, I tend to flip around like the pancake special at IHOP. So I wake up sometimes in the night and have to adjust, then go back to sleep.

I cant believe that people are actually like that, or equate love with slavery or servitude, or inhuman devotion, but there it is.

She could get a waterbed, see, and turn the heater off...only use one thin blanket and crank the air conditioning... insist on going camping every weekend and not pack enough bedding...

Then, at least once a week, he will desperately cling to her to avoid hypothermia!

*sigh* young love...

Freki

That's kinda what I thought. Why couldn't they sleep back to back, or her front against his back?

Freki:

She could get a waterbed, see, and turn the heater off...only use one thin blanket and crank the air conditioning... insist on going camping every weekend and not pack enough bedding...

Then, at least once a week, he will desperately cling to her to avoid hypothermia!

Good idea, but in Texas, it's rare to have a cold night for camping. At most, 3 months a year. And my own hubby would love it to be that cold at night. He often sleeps on top of the the covers, without a shirt, while I have on flannels, socks, and 3 blankets.

Men tend to stay warmer than women. That's one reason most men don't like to be smothered in their sleep.

LW is in fact nuts, and her(?) partner should in fact run like hell with his rabbit under his arm while the poor thing is still alive and unboiled. I like to cuddle just fine when I'm not trying to sleep. Sleeping is one of those things we do alone, because we're unconscious. That she expects his attention when she is asleep strikes me as somewhere on the spectrum of ideas between unreasonable and insane.

And my growing Freki-crush continues. Such a reasonable, intelligent woman.

SusanM:

odds are, nobody outside of a romance novel is going to be able to meet her romantic needs.

You got that right. And well put. Only sleeping intertwined the entire night will make this chick happy.