Really? This sort of thing "happens a lot"? And when it does, the children are just supposed to forgive and forget, even when the parents have used them as weapons?

All the LW wants is for her mother to acknowledge that it was wrong to tell her and swear her to secrecy. If all is right between the parties, they should be able to also make amends to their children. I suspect that all is not right between the parents...perhaps there were other affairs and the daughter's very presence shatters the mother's (monster's) denial.

Emily's counsel to the daughter to "get over it" shows the callous disregard that boomers had for the damage their weaknesses did to their children. Her counsel to keep the secret from her siblings is simply disturbing. An adult has the right to tell her adult siblings something that was foisted on her by an abusive mother.

Emily's willingness to identify with the cuckholded spouse who takes it out on her children makes me wonder about the state of her marriage.

What I suspect is all is not right with the parents, the father probably had other affairs, and the mother choice to go into denial. That's why she is so

the wronged wife is to be completely excused for dumping it on her daughter and swearing her to secrecy?

I definitely agree with Emily on this one. It's been decades since the infidelity and the parents are still together. The mother has forgiven the father and everyone (except the letter writer) has moved on with their lives. Should the mother have told her? Of course not! But the mother has made it clear that she will not discuss this any further. So the apology that the writer is looking for is not coming. End of story. So the writer has a choice- she can continue to hold onto old hurts and grudges that will not be resolved, or realize that her parents are flawed people who make mistakes and get over it. It's been nearly 20 years.

I don't think Emily is excusing the mother's actions at all. I think she's just recognizing that while this episode was undoubtedly traumatic as a child, the mother has made it clear she will not discuss it and that the writer should let it go, with the help of therapy if needed. You can't force someone to do what you want, and while the writer may feel she needs to discuss it in order to get closure, she can't force her mother to do so. There's a point when we need to say, "ok, I'm an adult, and I'm not going to let the traumatic incidents of my past affect me any longer."

I would say the mother is still feeling pain from the father's stepping out - AND, she SHOULD feel ashamed for dragging a little kid into the mix.

While it is all great that the mothre and father SAY they have grown past the issue(s), and the mother wants to leave 'it' be - the MOTHER is in fact the one who drug the child into the situation all those years ago - AND, the mother SHOULD pay the consequences - and since a simple "I am sorry, I should never have done that" is all that is really called for - she should get over herself, and say she is sorry.

No, people are not perfect, but, she really does owe the kid this much. Does she need to discuss it further with her? NO

But, an appology is called for.

I am not sure the kid should bother the siblings with this - I see no need or use in that - but hearing "I am sorry" would probably fix her issues. She has a right to expect an appology - even if it has been years since the event.

The mother does not want to discuss it now - and that is super convenient since she started it with the child....

"An adult has the right to tell her adult siblings something that was foisted on her by an abusive mother. "

Abusive!?

Making a stupid mistake and saying something very inappropriate to your 10-year-old is unfortunate but understandable, if you are a sobbing wife who has just found out your husband is cheating on you. The mother is dealing with the aftermath of it wrongly now, too, for certain.

However, if you really think this is a case of child abuse, it clearly shows that you have never seen REAL child abuse. I have, and all the abused kids I have met would GLADLY trade their situation for one with two fundamentally loving if flawed parents.

Freki

Katza,

I agree that the mother was wrong and made a stupid mistake in the heat of the moment. She should apologize. But my point is just that it's been made clear that an apology is NOT coming, and since there is no chance of it happening, the letter writer should let it go, or go to therapy to deal with it. You can't make someone apologize or discuss something if they don't want to, and the mother has made it clear that she will not discuss it. So the letter writer needs to decide if she wants to hold onto all this baggage, or just get over it (maybe with the help of a good therapist).

We all have had traumatic stuff happen to us as kids (some worse than others) and there's a point where you need to make the decision not to hold onto this stuff and accept your parents for the flawed, mistake-making humans that they are.

foisted on her by an abusive mother.

Are you effing kidding? Abusive? WTF???

I agree that since the writer is not going to get an apology from her mother, much less the talking-through that might help heal what I do consider a thoughtless and abusive act, even if it came from a generally loving mother. The writer would only harm herself more by chasing after what won't be coming.

I would also like to point out that if she chose to tell her siblings at this point, it would be very different from "putting them through what her mother put her through." Her siblings are adults, not ten years old, and more equipped to handle such news. She isn't burdening them with a terrible secret. By unburdening herself to people who love her, she might gain release from that unhealthy promise she made and gain some allies in the process. It's HER CHOICE. It's neither selfish nor unselfish.

If the writer could have simply "gotten over it", I suspect she would have done so and not written the letter. I think that was an unnecessary and unkind way to put it. Of course she needs to move on, but traumatic childhood events can and do become a part of some people and influence the way they think about themselves, behave and succeed until they seek therapy.

I don't care to get into the "I would trade my abuse/problem for yours" thing. It's just silly.

So I wish the writer: Best of luck!! I think your mother did something incredibly cruel for an incredible selfish reason without giving a thought in that moment how it would affect you. With or without the appropriate contrition on her part (to me, an apology would not be nearly enough), you can decide to forgive or not to forgive, but move on with your life anyway. In therapy, you can learn not only to move on, but to thrive.

I agree, sometimes parents do dumb things to us as children, and they leave deep impressions. But as adults, we have to find a way to get over them.

My mom did something to me that made me have fears until i was 28. Since my mom died a long time ago, i didn't get the chance to ask for an apology and therefore had to get over it. This was a good thing. An apology does not need to be issued in order to get over something - that is our internal work.

By trying to imagine what it was like in my mom's shoes, having children so young, i was able to forgive her actions. Try to imagine what it was like to be your mom, and forgiveness comes easier.

The mother did not torture the LW by regaling her with tales of her father's infidelity. She mentioned it once, after a giant fight with her cheating husband, and regretted it pretty much immediately. Asking the 10 year old to keep it a secret was a big mistake, but people do all sorts of strange things when they are ashamed of themselves.

The LW has brought up what was undoubtedly a very unpleasant subject to the mother over and over again. Remember, Mom was the one who got cheated on! No wonder she does not want to discuss it at length with someone who never should have known in the first place.

What kind of contrition would be good enough for you? Obviously, working to fix the marriage and ensuring it never happened again doesn't count. Neither does never again burdening the child with painful information like that. You say an apology would also be inadequate. Should she pay reparations? Cut off a pinky finger? Grovel on her belly?

Some people are behaving like this mother was burning her 10 year old daughter with cigarettes or something. It was a stupid, one time mistake!

Lucky for the LW her parents didn't get divorced. She is so emotionally fragile that she would probably be living in a crack house by now.

Freki

Corndog:

I would also like to point out that if she chose to tell her siblings at this point, it would be very different from "putting them through what her mother put her through." Her siblings are adults, not ten years old, and more equipped to handle such news. She isn't burdening them with a terrible secret. By unburdening herself to people who love her, she might gain release from that unhealthy promise she made and gain some allies in the process. It's HER CHOICE. It's neither selfish nor unselfish.

What you have to ask yourself is - what is she after here? If she needs to 'unburden herself' there are a lot of people in this world that she could confide in that wouldn't run the risk of being hurt. Her spouse, a clergy member, a therapist, a girlfriend, etc.... all would be able to listen sympathetically without being personally involved.

Then there is the fact that she is 'burdened' but her siblings would not be burdened because they are adults. Ummm, isn't she an adult? If adults don't get burdened by these things then she shouldn't be burdened herself.

It would be a selfish choice to make - one doesn't unburden themselves at the expense of loading up other people. The only justification for choosing to tell the siblings would be if you wanted to use that as another way to punish the parents. And that is very selfish.

I agree completely with Kit-Kat's response.

Her mom isn't going to apologize. What else can she do? Demand that her mother apologizes? Then it won't mean anything. She needs to get help for herself and move on from something that happened decades ago.

My mom cheated on my dad. My stepdad cheated on my mom. Then my mom cheated on my stepdad. None of them are together anymore, thank god. But I got over it. Those things don't say anything about ME or how I life MY life so I don't let them. I believe in monogamy and have had healthy relationships. I don't believe in or tolerate cheating. Sucks for all of the "parents" and I know about a lot of it and was told of a lot of it when it happened... but it's not about me. I chose to decide that it was all on them and they could deal with it. I'd live my life the way I wanted and love my parents for who they are, faults and all.

"Good enough contrition" is about making amends to the person you have harmed in a way that is meaningful to that person. This is obviously not happening, because this woman who selfishly used her is still selfishly using her, at least in this area. Meaningful to the writer would apparently be talking through it, apologizing, perhaps mending the relationship. Like I said, it's not coming, and she needs to find another way to take care of herself.

You appear to be obsessed with physical abuse (severed digits, cigarette burns, grovelling-your writings are full of violent images), but emotional abuse is also real. It's the stuff of Columbine and suicide, and not to be taken lightly. I don't know what you've been through, and maybe you feel you would be a million times better off to be in this woman's place than your own. If so, I'm sorry.

Hey, SusanM.

Point taken. The writer could confide in someone not so closely connected. I didn't even consider the motivation of punishing the parents. I was thinking of a ten-year-old girl keeping a secret for so long that wasn't hers, about a wrong she didn't do. I was thinking of her finally being free of it and letting it go. You're right, Susan. The writer is an adult and must behave responsibly.

I wrote from my own experience about confiding in siblings and should have said as much. One of my sisters is the closest person on earth to me. I had a very burdening childhood secret to keep that, even as an adult, was hard to think about and seemed impossible to say aloud. One day my sister told me about her secret. She was astonished to hear about mine. I wonder how many siblings go through childhood feeling like the only one?

I come from a big family, and other siblings have done some probing and asking. It seems none of us was completely spared. We have been allies and support for each other. That is why I wrote that perhaps the writer's siblings would be the same for her.

Naive, perhaps, but no harm meant.

SusanM:"Then there is the fact that she is 'burdened' but her siblings would not be burdened because they are adults. Ummm, isn't she an adult? If adults don't get burdened by these things then she shouldn't be burdened herself."

Adults can becomed burdened, but they are equipped to make choices about it that ten-year-olds aren't. I believe the writer still carries the burden her mother placed on her, inappropriately, as a child.

I agree that she should think very careful about who she talks to. I've come over from the dark side on that one. :)