Dear Bibo,
I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my REAL family.
You see, I've become convinced that I was switched at birth - I suspect Nargles did it - and that, instead of my own dead poor-ass parents, I REALLY belong to a different set of dead parents who left behind a much larger estate that I feel entitled to share in.
How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend them to my will, and convince them that I really am related to them and NOT come off sounding like the money-grubbing crazed whore that I am?
Signed,
Luna Lovegood
Dear Lune -
Ever since the Garden of Eden, the daughters of Eve have all been insane moral and emotional cripples who bring pain and destruction to all those around them, but YOU, super bitch that you are, have lowered the standard even below the pathetic into the realm of bathysphere turds.
Congrats on that.
Anyway, since no amount of reason will dissuade you from finding a rich sugar-daddy John whom you will seduce to fund your futile DNA tests, let me point out to you that the Bibo Sez exactly what to do in cases where the parentage of a child is in dispute between two harlots like your mums: "And the king said, 'Bring me a sword.' And they brought a sword before
the king. And the king said, 'Divide the living child in two, and give
half to the one, and half to the other'" (1st Kings 3:24-25).
So I hope you enjoy your new split personality, you parasite.
And that is what the Bibo Sez.
Bless you!
***
Dear Bibo:
I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my family.
You see, I am blessed by the Lord to have found the love of my life in lunching on the the lap-carpet of my Lesbo Lifemate Lucy, but my parents cannot abide our relentless Public Displays of Cunnilingus.
My parents are in their 70s, and I can live with the fact that they come from a different era in which personal hygiene frowned on hot wymyn chicks with pubic hairs stuck in their teeth, but we take pride in flaunting Nature's Dental Floss as a symbol of our forbidden lusts.
How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend them to my will, and convince my 'rents to lap up our relationship just like we do?
Signed, Winifred Fishwife
Dear Fred -
First off, what you are doing is quite unseemly in the eyes of the Lord - loving your family, I mean.
You see, the Bibo Sez that Lord Jebus demanded that "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife,
and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he
cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26).
So, you should be HATING your family and your wife, not loving them, you silly crotch-licker.
Secondly, if you muff do it anyway, point out to your parents that girl-on-girl unions are totally supported by what the Bibo Sez - the best example, of course, is the joining of Naomi and Ruth, who said "Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from
following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou
lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my
God: Where thou
diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the LORD do so to me,
and more also, if ought but death part thee and me." (Ruth 1:16:17)
Thirdly, I do have to agree with your parents that you two do need to replace your carpets with hardwoods - the Bibo Sez "You shall do this to them, to cleanse them: sprinkle the water of cleansing on them, let them shave their whole bodies with a razor" (Numbers 8:7).
Be sure to send me the video of that part.
And that is what the Bibo Sez.
Bless you!
***
Dear Bibo,
I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my husband.
You see, every time I attempt to undermine and disrespect him by verbally devaluing our teaching profession in front of strangers, he gets upset for reasons I am quite unable to fathom.
How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend him to my will,
and continue my passive-aggressive campaign to convince him to beat me to a bloody pulp, as I so richly deserve?
Signed, A C#nt Who Is Just Askin' For It
Dear C#nt -
The Bibo Sez "wives must be submissive to their husbands in everything" (Ephesians 5:24) - so just what part of "everything" do you not understand, you stupid bitch?
<Sigh>
Even in a case as wretched as yours, God and His Love still have a Perfect Plan for your life - tell your husband he should do EXACTLY what the Bibo Sez: "And when he was come home he took a sword, and divided the body of
his wife with her bones into twelve parts, and sent the pieces into all
the borders of Israel" (Judges 19:29).
And that is what the Bibo Sez.
Bless you!
***
Dear Bibo,
I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - the family of my dear dead Islamist friend.
You see, about seven years ago, my friend died when the plane he was student-piloting crashed into the Pentagon.
I handled it so poorly that the government took me to a seaside resort in Guantanamo Bay, where I withdrew from any contact with his parents and
siblings. I struggled to understand why he died and deal with the guilt
of being around when he wasn't.
After an enlightening bit of waterboarding school, I recovered enough to have a successful career (as a recruiter for Jews for Jesus), a hot Christian Stripper wife I hardly deserve, and a magnificent little baby boy, whom we named "Osama", after my friend's idol.
We're planning a crusade to Saudi Arabia to reconnect with my dead friend's family, but I've been getting the weirdest feeling that they want to chop my head off.
How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend them to my will, and convince those heathen Mooslems of the Saving Blood of Jebus Christ?
Signed, Johnny Baptist
Dear Baptist -
You dear man - please remember that the Bibo Sez that through faith, NOTHING can hurt you:
"Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature. He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.
"And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take
up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt
them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover" (Mark 16:15-18).
And that is what the Bibo Sez.
Bless you, and AMEN!
