I too, have a situation where my boyfriend's mother refuses to see me. I've dated him for five years, and for the last three years, whenever my boyfriend's folks are in town, he goes to have dinner with them by himself. I knew his mom didn't like me much, and (based on the horror stories he told), I wasn't that keen on spending time with her either. But I didn't realize how actively hostile she was to me until last week, when he finally asked if he could bring me to dinner and got a big fat NO. It kinda stung.

Thing is, I have no idea why she hates me so much. I mean, she's only met me once, three years ago, for about an hour. The broad bigotry cateogories don't apply, I'm not the "wrong" sex, race, religion or class. As far as we can tell, on the basis of my social awkwardness (I spoke mostly to my boyfriend at that meeting), she leapt to the conclusion that I must be some sort of clingy controlling harpie. Or something. And she might be jealous that my boyfriend likes my family so much. We have no idea.

She hasn't told him why she doesn't like me; I am simply Not Discussed in her presence. (On the plus side, at least she doesn't disparage me constantly)

My boyfriend is content to keep seeing his parents on his own, without me. He is very close to his dad and would hate to lose contact with him. I can't really blame him for taking the path of least resistance. Over 25 years of having a batshit unreasonable freight train as a mother does not exactly encourage him to confront her. The entire family has found it easier to let her have her way.

But if my boyfriend and I eventually get married, I'm going to have to deal with her being my mother-in-law for decades. Is it OK to just keep ignoring this problem? They live several hours away and visit our city rarely. What's the worst that could happen?

Don't tell me to dump my boyfriend. It ain't happening. I mean, I'm kind of offended that this woman hates me for no reason, but the problem is clearly hers, not mine.

Since dumping your boyfriend is out of the question, the problem is going to be yours, not hers. He clearly is choosing her over you, as is the whole family. You will have a lifetime of being left out of huge parts of her life. And, if you plan to marry, how will this affect the children? Will she only see them without you? If so, how will your children feel about this? You are heading for a ifetime of pain and rejection from a control freak.

One possibility is opening Pandora's box and finding out exactly what the problem is. If your boyfriend can't do that, he's made his decision. And it will get much worse.

You're assuming that this writer's BF will ever propose. It sounds like he's a momma's boy who has yet to cut the umbilical cord. It sounds like it'll be a cold day in July before he goes agains anything that "mommy" wants, and that includes marriage.

If you can't bring yourself to dump your BF, one of two things will likely happen. He will dump you for someone that his mom approves of or ou two will continue to "date" for the rest of your adult lives. Neither sounds very appetizing to me.

Either she'll try to turn any kids you have against you, or she'll refuse to have anything to do with them. Or maybe one kids she'll who looks like you) and the other (who looks like him) she'll try to turn against you.

If you get married, be blunt. Let her and the father know that you and any future kids are a package. Either they accept and respect all of you, or they'll never, ever see them. Make sure your (now) boyfriend backs you up on this.

Your boyfriend is the one with the problem. If he had any respect for you, he would tell his parents that he has chosen to spend his life with you and that you are a team. I don't know why you've put up with this crap for so long, but think long and hard before you marry this guy.

Tell him that you expect to be treated with respect by him, and that you aren't going to stay home any more. If he argues with you, or gets upset because he's worried about how his Mommy will respond, then you have your answer. He doesn't care enough about you to put you first in his life, and he never will.

Break up with him and find someone that loves you and puts you FIRST in his life. You'll never regret it.

I think the weirdest thing is that neither of you even know why she doesn't like you. I mean, it seems like you both are kind of rolling over and you don't even know why. Can't your boyfriend ask his dad to find out at least? And why is he even asking whether you can come to family engagements? He should just bring you.

I agree with the other posters that this does not bode well. You don't need to make a big scene, and I respect you for not being overly self-centered and dramatic about it. More people should be able to stay cool about things like this. That said, if you see a long-term future with this guy, this could spin out of control, and you should find it off-putting that he hasn't done a thing to figure out what the problem is, much less stand up for you.

Well, a) I'm not planning on having kids. Ever. I hate children. So that won't be a problem.

And b) He's not choosing her over me. He's perfectly prepared to be estranged from his mother if that's what it eventually comes to. He's just resigned to the fact that she's CRAZY and there's nothing he or anyone can do to change her mind, so in the meantime he would prefer to preserve his relationship with his dad.

Yes, his strategy is one of conflict avoidance, and it does seem cowardly. When we moved in together, he didn't even tell his parents so they found out about it from a third party. I gather that ma was Not Happy. But hey, if you had a mother who beat you over the head with a shoehorn as a child, called you a pimp because you brought home a date at age 15, and disowned your grandfather because he remarried, I don't think you'd be too eager to give her unwelcome news either. This lady's a piece of work.

He did offer to just bring me to a family gathering without asking her. I said no, because I figured that she'd probably put the blame entirely on me and hate me even more. I do not want to be on the receiving end of this woman's Huge Wobbly Tantrums.

I don't think he's ever asked his dad why she hates me this much, but if I had to guess, he probably doesn't know either. She's been prone to irrational grudges her whole life.

I'd just like to add that my boyfriend doesn't have the most communicative family. I mean, I understand because I also have a family that rarely discusses important or emotional things, we just talk about everyday domestic mundanity.

But added to that, his family also has the typical abusive family pattern where one parent flies into unpredictable rages and the other one is a wet mop and damage control. From what my boyfriend has told me, his dad never confronted or questioned his mom while he was growing up. He just tried to make up for her batshit insanity by giving his kids lots of hugs and presents.

It's obvious to an outside observer that the dad was enabling the mom the whole time, but it's hard to get my boyfriend to be angry at his dad, the "good" parent. I don't think he feels that he's in a position to change his family's dynamic even if he wanted to. So that's the long answer to "Why doesn't he ask his parents why she hates me?"

Perhaps we'll wait to deal with this when and if and when we get engaged. We've still got other things to figure out about our lives, first. Grad school, careers and whatnot.

(Whine, whine.) What can I do about my problem?

[Suggestions offered.]

(whine, whine.) No, that won't work. What can I do about my problem?

I'm done. I've wasted enough time with people who enjoy the drama more than they want a solution, so have fun dealing with this woman.

If he's still deliberately sucking up to his abuser, he's got bigger problems that a nutty mummy. That's extraordinarily unhealthy for him. It's obvious that he needs to get past that before he should make any big life decisions.

Now run along. None of this is your problem.

IncogNeato:

(Whine, whine.) What can I do about my problem?

[Suggestions offered.]

(whine, whine.) No, that won't work. What can I do about my problem?

I'm done. I've wasted enough time with people who enjoy the drama more than they want a solution, so have fun dealing with this woman.

I wish we could give "thumbs up" to replies! This would have received one from me.

And here's what I think:

You already know your bf is non-confrontational. He seems to want/value everyone liking him, not just you, but your family and his. For most folks like him, this means they can't be "wrong" or "bad" -- which means that when there's a fight or confrontation or mistake, it's got to be someone else's fault. When he's telling you the story, it's his mom's fault.

You know he tells you negative things about his family behind their backs, that seem to be supported by the behavior you can see. And horrible things about his mom (also that you can't verify). However, he takes pains to keep you separate from the family, and his mother. So you don't know what he's saying to them about you. Does it seem remotely possible to you that he may have complained to her about you after a fight, say, and maybe the mother doesn't like you because of those kinds of stories, and not just because she's completely insane?

He's told you that his mom formed an opinion that you're a controlling harpy, and to be clear, this is exactly the image a nonconfrontational person creates of their partner to others who are outside the relationship. The "harpy" partner is always nagging the "nice guy/gal." The harpy is always to blame, the nice guy/gal is trying their best and everyone knows what a great guy/gal he/she is. His mom did not get this conclusion because you were shy at a party. She got it from what he has said to her over time about you.

You could just keep ignoring this problem. It's unlikely that directly confronting your boyfriend will get you anywhere: he'd deny confiding to his mom about your flaws, because that would mean he was wrong, bad, and mean. Can't do that. My advice though is to test my hypothesis: that he is an immature person who can only show his "good" side, that he can't take blame or responsibility for situations (like his mother forming a bad impression of you and refusing to see you). That he is not being honest with you about who he really is, because he's not ready to be that man. And that honey, is not someone you should be thinking about marrying in the near future.

I'm actually going to go another direction and state that it is some of your responders that are stirring up the drama. If this isn't a big deal to you, but you feel like it should be, then just stop. It isn't a big deal, period.

It would be different if you were bringing kids into this but you are not. You are OK with the situation as is. Your boyfriend seems to be pulling away from his family in his own way, so he will soon enough get to a place where he is OK with his batshit mom too.

Fine, end of issue.

People are suggesting that 10 years from now it could all change and this peaceful solution you have going now could cause you a lot of grief. Maybe. Or maybe 10 years from now the old biddy will be dead and everybody is happy. Don't borrow trouble before you have too. Sounds like you and your boyfriend are communicating well enough that if it becomes an issue you can deal with it then.

SusanM, I would have to second your advice. Kea, you need to appreciate and celebrate the relationship you've got, not the one you wish you had. If you can't do that, then by all means get out of it.

The dating for 5 years thing strikes me as a little odd. Either you are both too young to get married, which means you have been dating since maybe junior high, or this relationship is not leading to marriage.

In the first case, Mom must have met you when you were a teenager, possibly a young teenager. Also in the first case, people don't usually marry the people they dated in high school. Very few relationships of that sort survive college.

And in the second case, it has been my experience that people who "date" for 5 years don't really want to be married. They either carry on "dating" for the rest of their lives (and are happy with it) or one of the other of them up and leaves for someone who will marry them.

I only bring up this 5 year thing because I think you owe it to yourself to really understand what your relationship is all about. Weird Mom may not be your only problem here.

What if (go with me here) he's already married, with kids, and "mom" is really his other family? He offered to let this girlfriend come, only because he knew she'd say no!

Well, it works that way in the movies, sometimes.