1. FAKE ALERT!! If it actually IS true, let it go. There is nothing to be gained from this.

2. Who is more important, your girlfriend or your parents and extended family? Telling your brother is the easy part. Remind him of how your parents feel about homosexuality. Tell him that you are one and that until now you have obeyed your parents' edict that he not be told. Ask him not to inform them that he knows. Be prepared for him to share their feelings, in which case you might want to let the whole lot of relatives go.

3. Both. He's being pretentious, but it's not your job to inform everyone of it. If they talk to you about his being a professor or whatever, then you can correct their understandable misconception. Otherwise, let it go.

4. Contact them. Remind them of who you are. Apologize for having lost touch, and explain that it was because you took the loss of their son so hard. They'll appreciate getting new stories about their son, and pleased that your son was named in honor of him, and that you didn't simply let his memory go.

For LW #2. Do you have some type of job title for what you do? You are not "just a student", because you are actually doing some university sanctioned/certified teaching.

Maybe you are a teacher's aide, or something like that. Either way, to dime him out in a crown is not cool, but you might let him know (privately) to tell people what his real job title is.

Opps, I meant LW#3

Normally the title is TA or GTA (graduate teaching assistant). He is being so pretentious it's delusional. Almost all grad students do some sort of work in lieu of tuition. It's usually work that is part of their future career (teaching ass't, lab ass't). And I have never met any grad student who would describe himself as a teacher of any sort. You're a lowly grad student, that's it. He is so far beyond pretentious that he's delusional.

LW1: Indeed. Has to be fake. She was born same day, same hospital, looks exactly like the girl's mother, but the girl notices nothing? She's delusional or this is just fake.

Why are Prudence and everyone else so unsympathetic to person who thinks she was exchanged at birth? Maybe she has reasons to think so that don't get into the short letter required by this less than ideal format for advice. Ms. Yoffe is often harsh and jeering, and misses the mark, as she does here. Even if it's best not to tell other family your suspicions and to protect them, why not show a little sympathy, instead of using word "creepy", for someone who is pretty sure her world has been turned upside down?

Maybe it's fake Q but readers have no way to know this--the interviewed family wasn't looking for similar looks, the writer was.

marcparis:

You're a lowly grad student, that's it. He is so far beyond pretentious that he's delusional.

Not necessarily. I had a grad student from one university who was my instructor at another university. If that's the case, then his title really is "instructor." But even if he's just a TA, she needs to let him tell his story his way. If it blows up in his face later, at least she won't be the one who publicly embarassed him. Just don't lie for him, if asked.

Maybe it is a local thing but around here graduate students are often teaching their own classes. It is outside their typical graduate duties and they are paid adjunct rates (which is ironically less than a GTA makes). Schools look to their own students first and then if they can't fill up a teaching position they will call around to other graduate programs and try to find somebody from their to fill it.

So this guy could be teaching his own class and still not be a professor. It would still be embarrassing but not quite as much of a lie.

Depending on the subject, a GTA can teach her own class and not just assist a professor. But she's still a grad student, with the teaching being a side line.

The grad student is one of the least delusional characters in all of this week's letters... e.g. LW#1, family of lesbian woman, etc.

If somebody holds more than one title in life I think they are the ones that get to pick how their introduce themselves. Think somebody who works full time and introduces themselves as a Mom - it isn't a lie, it is just how they conceive of themselves. Nothing wrong with that.

I work 40+ hours a week, I do 1-5 hours of graduate student work a week. Given that balance I know personally, graduate student just wouldn't be the first title that pops to mind for me.

Andrea 3000:

Why are Prudence and everyone else so unsympathetic to person who thinks she was exchanged at birth? Maybe she has reasons to think so that don't get into the short letter required by this less than ideal format for advice. Ms. Yoffe is often harsh and jeering, and misses the mark, as she does here. Even if it's best not to tell other family your suspicions and to protect them, why not show a little sympathy, instead of using word "creepy", for someone who is pretty sure her world has been turned upside down?

Maybe it's fake Q but readers have no way to know this--the interviewed family wasn't looking for similar looks, the writer was.

You don't think it is creepy that she has convinced herself that she was switched at birth with no proof other then her blood type does not match? You don't think that it is creepy that she actually tracked down the other family, made up a story to get into their house?

No, not really. Imagine it went like this.

The letter writer's parents both have blood type O (so do all her siblings) and she has type AB. Maybe she doesn't even find this out till after her father's death when her mother's dying and needs a transplant of some kind, and she gets tested for compatibility. In that blood type case, neither of her parents could be her genetic parent. So she thinks she's adopted. She does research on it at the hospital where she was born, finds absolutely no evidence of adoption occurring - all records show she's the biological daughter. Then she finds this other, type O baby born to a blood type A mom and B dad - perfectly possible, not suspicious - but look, it could have been a switch too.

Seems perfectly possible to me, and not creepy.

Seems like it would be easy enough to find out if one really was switched at birth. They have this test now call DNA. Get tested, get siblings tested. Then we all know the truth.

And maybe I don't understand this whole family thing. If I suddenly found out my brother was not my "real" brother. It would not change things one iota. And suddenly I would have a whole other "family" to which I have a tie. It would not be losing a family it would be gaining one. So, why not tell the other folks.

Although the conversation starter should be recorded for all time: "Excuse, me. Funny story..."

As for Lesbians that are doormats: Pruddie has it right. Your life - you live it. She should have an idea about how her brother will react. I hope that the reason the parents did not want him to find out was because then he could say: "Hey, me too."

I was a Grad student too. If someone asked what I did - I would way "I'm going to school." If being a grad student embarasses you a) you are weird b) finish your thesis/dissertation already. What kind of circle can one run in where being a grad student would be cause for disdain? You know, unless it is for an MBA -- then sheesh you should be embarassed you sell-out. (jk)

Marque:

Seems like it would be easy enough to find out if one really was switched at birth. They have this test now call DNA. Get tested, get siblings tested. Then we all know the truth.

So ask a sibling, or a meternal cousin if there are no siblings, to have a test run. Expect to pay for it herself, since she's the one who wants to know. Absolutely no point screwing up anyone's understanding of who they are, just because she wants to believe her REAL parents wouldn't have acted like that. Or that her mother might have screwed around.