I'm 24 and, as 24-year-olds should be (not that all of us are), I'm single. And if this is what I have to look forward to... well, what's the point in it?

Do I really want to be married to somebody who feels as though she is "putting up" with me? Or who feels like she has "settled" because apparently, there's something wrong with me? Or who feels like she's better than I deserve? Or who thinks that she can do just as well without me?

On a serious note -- if men were completely honest, I'm sure many of them would have complaints about their wives. Like how she's fatter than when they got married (nope, can't say that, that's going to offend too many people.) Or how they never have sex. Of course, these complaints are superficial. I guess complaining about how he never does the laundry and can't cook anything other than macaroni and cheese, or how he likes to watch football and drink beer, is okay, but complaining about somebody getting fat as the marriage goes on isn't.

Someone can love you without thinking you're perfect. Your parents probably love you while still recognizing you make mistakes. I think a wife is the same way.

I don't think you can go into marriage, or even dating, with a unconditional love complex. If you want unconditional love-get a dog. Of course, even that dog will expect you to feed him, walk him, pet him.

I plan on "settling," as you say, or "putting up with" my future husband (whomever he may be) because guranteed he'll be "settling" and "putting up with" me! I am not bone-achingly beautiful, I sometimes misuse words and talk too often-the man who marries me will have quite a bit to "put up" with. But I hope he'll love me, in spite of the flaws. I hope I'll have my reason will be enough to convince me that a 5'5"-5'10" man with brunette hair and a slightly-lanky-but-not-too-lan­ky frame who speaks Japanese, Chinese, and Korean fluently, and who enjoys the works of CS Lewis but isn't TOO Christian, wants to travel but wants the stability of a family, and can cook.... may not be a reality. Or may not be a reality I'll ever experience (maybe my vision of the perfect man is the same vision as another woman, and there's only one of em in the continential US and she got to him first...)

See with the talking too much? Point is, never tell yourself that your wife is "settling." It's an ugly word for it. I hope you find a girl instead who says "You're not perfect, and there just might be someone else better for me... But you are very worth the risk of never finding out."

Well, if all people see on TV are buffoon husbands having to constantly apologize to their superior wives, then they start emulating those behaviors. And vacuous marriage columnists end up taking that crap seriously and writing articles that suggest that husbands "every once in a while apologize to your wife for having to put up with you."

That's all just a male fantasy though... TV husbands are always some overweight slob who inexplicably has a wife who's way out of his league.

I think it's funny you address the fatness. Both my husband and I have gotten fatter since we got married. Part of getting older, I think. I'm 26. He's 27.

As far as sex, I'm the one who wants that all the time. He rarely does. Kind of a bone of contention in our house, but I find it interesting that you stereotype women and men so freely. It's not always the way it looks on tv.

And I very rarely complain about my husband to others. Usually just my mom because sometimes I need to vent. As I'm sure he complains about me to his best friend. It's better to say some of those things to someone else and get them out rather than say them to your spouse sometimes.

meredithc32:

I think it's funny you address the fatness. Both my husband and I have gotten fatter since we got married. Part of getting older, I think. I'm 26. He's 27.

This isn't getting older, this is eating too much and exercising too little. You're only 26 for God's sake, "older" isn't even on the horizon yet.

meredithc32:

As far as sex, I'm the one who wants that all the time. He rarely does. Kind of a bone of contention in our house, but I find it interesting that you stereotype women and men so freely. It's not always the way it looks on tv.

You should understand that this relates to the first paragraph. You must both stay attractive and attracted to each other, and not by continually lowering your standards. Anyone who says sex isn't important is having all they want to have.

It's really pretty simple: You should get married if you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with -- you know, "love, honor and cherish until death do you part."

I said it was simple, not easy.

I have known people in "committed relationships" who aren't married, but they are very few. Generally speaking, if a couple in a committed relationship doesn't get married (assuming marriage for them is legal, of course), it's because at least one of them isn't really committed, no matter what that couple says. The marriage certificate that is sometimes dismissed as "little piece of paper" is a really important little piece of paper. Anybody who tells you otherwise has probably not been married.

i'm a 39 year old man, life long commitment-phobe, who married 10 months ago. i married for love and friendship, as before we started dating, we were best friends. and...it's regularly hell for me. funny enough, the cause of that hell is always my own crap that i need to work out. even when she's acting out her crazy, i'm chill and content if in a good space. there's a quote i heard in hellboy 1 of all places, that i can't hit exactly, but is about how you start out liking people for their good qualities, and end up loving them for their faults. i'm new at this marriage thing, but that's about the most insightful saying i've ever heard about long term relationships, and certainly applies to mine. and i've had more 'aha!' moments about my own inner workings over the last year than in any remotely similar time frame in my life. if you use it right, marriage can help the parts of you grow up that haven't yet. as for sex getting old, it goes in waves for us. sometimes we're on, sometimes we're not. we didn't marry to screw, i've had relationships where sex was what got me in and kept me in. again, it seems to me another natural cycle that rolls with our emotional stability. i'd sure still love to screw about every 5th or so woman i see. challenges, challenges. as for getting fat as one gets older, i think that's only 'natural' if you live in a western industrialized country like the u.s. my wife and i are both in better shape now then when we were in our mid twenties. bottom line, i love my life with my wife. there's more good than bad, and a lot of it is the lens one decides to view things with. it's easy to get caught up in what's lacking. and some things always will. every day you have a choice, to stay or go. it appears that never goes away, for better or worse.

Eating too much and exercising too little? I didn't say we weighed 400 pounds. We have both gained about ten pounds since getting married, which is a comfortable weight gain for me after a few years.

We do both like to eat. I'm Southern. Grew up on stewed veggies, fried food and red meat. My diet will never be spectacular. But I stay active. Thanks for letting me know how I should live my life.

BoneDaddy does seem a bit touchy there, I must say.

One shouldn't go to seed once you get married, but jeez, if marriage can't stand some physical changes, it's not going to work out. I mean, there's that whole old-age thing, for starters...

I was thinking he was a bit touchy too. I may be only 26, but I graduated from high school at sixteen, married at nineteen, had my first kid at twenty, divorced at 22 and married again at 24. I did everything young and already have an established career and two degrees. I'm probably at the place in my life where most people who are five to seven years older than me are right now.

I may BE young, but sometimes I don't FEEL young. Then again, sometimes I do. And as I said, the weight gain is insubstantial.

"Generally speaking, if a couple in a committed relationship doesn't get married (assuming marriage for them is legal, of course), it's because at least one of them isn't really committed, no matter what that couple says."

Yeah, this is in general. I've been living with my SO for fourteen years, helped him in raising his son, and we are all very happy. No little piece of paper can improve on it. All that is for is for legal reasons so somebody can take half of somebody else's sh*t.

We're both committed and I totally call bull on your 'no matter what that couple says' comment. But I do realize that some people are so narrow-minded as to believe that gay couples in long-term relationships 'aren't committed', after all, they have not been allowed to get 'legally married'.

That is not the case with me, I'm heterosexual, just pointing out that there are many people out there who are in committed relationships who either don't want to get married (for all sorts of reasons) or legally have not been allowed to until recently.

Oh,

I totally agree with your post!

I have been biting my tongue (knotting my fingers?) to avoid saying something similar, b/c I felt it would sound old-fashioned, simple-minded, naive, and such. My feeling tho, is that you marry someone b/c you love them and care for them and like being around them so much that you can't stand to not be with them (and I don't mean lust or infatuation), that this amazing person just completes you and makes your life make more sense. I know that the last part is really cliched and considered a cop-out, perhaps, that it means that you cant put together a life of your own.

However, this is the way that I feel, and have felt with the same person for a long, long time, and is what I have told many single friends who are confused about how to know when the time is right to marry.

I also like a quote from a book I have titled Normal is Just A Setting on the Dryer: "Marry the kindest person you know." I did (way before I saw this book!) and it has worked out great for me! :)

One other point I agree with is the marriage thing. To me, that 'piece of paper' is a big deal, too. It entangles your lives, and shows committment to the relationship. Even with an amicable divorce, you cant just split up the stuff and go your separate ways. I know lots of ppl who have kinda just wound up living together over time, and even those who formally 'moved in together' have to make less effort than ppl who get married. (I certainly dont have anything against ppl choosing to go this route, as all, for me personally it seems a different thing.) And, I know this is pretty OT, but this is one of the reason that gay ppl want to be able to get married, is to have that committment.

Carolle :)

meredithc32,

it sounds like you are completely in touch with how to best live your life. 10 lbs is small stuff, which you could lose without even thinking about it. only if you wanted to. you may like the way you look and feel better with it. so might hubby. you might be healthier with it. u said you were 'getting fatter' and that it was natural, in your first post. 10 lbs doesn't qualify, imo, unless you were already fat or obese to begin with.

Haha. The getting fatter was a reference to the original poster's uptight nature about weight gain in his poor future potential wife. With most women, gaining ten pounds after marriage is normal. At least most women I know. You settle into a comfortable lifestyle with your mate and are generally happy.

And yes, I'm healthy. Not obese. I was simply making a joking reference to the asinine nature of the original reply.