Yes, it's early, but last week's Dear Prudie offerings ran out of steam earlier than usual.

1) I am about to start high school. My Mom gave me a long name, let's say "Alexandria". I like to go by a shorter version, say "Allie." Everywhere I go - school, church, scouts, etc. - Mom tells them not to call me by anything but my full name. Usually, the adults there respect my feelings, and call me "Allie" in the group, and remember to refer to me as "Alexandria" to my Mom. My Mom even hangs up on my friends if they ask for "Allie." I've dealt with this for years, but now I'm tired of it. How can I make her understand I'm old enough to decide what to be called?

2) My brother is "between jobs." Basically, that means the IRS almost caught up with him again for years of tax evasion, and he had to quit and leave quickly. He needs a place to stay. Can I refuse to let him stay in my guest house?

3) I feel so guilty. I make way more than I should, given my career choice, educational level, and experience. Even compared to others in my office, I think I make too much. Should I change jobs?

4) Years ago, I killed a man. I was in his back seat, and stabbed him through the seat on a deserted stretch of highway. Oddly enough, an ear of corn passed through the window just as I was gutting him. The car crashed as soon as I stabbed him. I ran. I was afraid a group of boys I saw would report me, but they did not. The accident was later reported as an accident. Should I track these boys down now to eliminate any witnesses, or just let it go?

1) I am about to start high school. My Mom gave me a long name, let's say "Alexandria". I like to go by a shorter version, say "Allie." Everywhere I go - school, church, scouts, etc. - Mom tells them not to call me by anything but my full name. Usually, the adults there respect my feelings, and call me "Allie" in the group, and remember to refer to me as "Alexandria" to my Mom. My Mom even hangs up on my friends if they ask for "Allie." I've dealt with this for years, but now I'm tired of it. How can I make her understand I'm old enough to decide what to be called?

She's family! She chose your name, and it's Alexandria, not "Allie". As an adult, you can legally change your name. As an adult, you can also break your mother's heart. It's your choice.

2) My brother is "between jobs." Basically, that means the IRS almost caught up with him again for years of tax evasion, and he had to quit and leave quickly. He needs a place to stay. Can I refuse to let him stay in my guest house?

He's family! Of course you should let him stay in the guest house. Just make sure he knows that you'll have to report his presence to your Neighborhood Watch group.

3) I feel so guilty. I make way more than I should, given my career choice, educational level, and experience. Even compared to others in my office, I think I make too much. Should I change jobs?

I'm family! The reason you make so much money is to help support your virtual brother in Paris. I take Paypal...

4) Years ago, I killed a man. I was in his back seat, and stabbed him through the seat on a deserted stretch of highway. Oddly enough, an ear of corn passed through the window just as I was gutting him. The car crashed as soon as I stabbed him. I ran. I was afraid a group of boys I saw would report me, but they did not. The accident was later reported as an accident. Should I track these boys down now to eliminate any witnesses, or just let it go?

They're family! Find the boys, and marry them all. As your spouses, the courts cannot make them testify against you.

Thanks 'Neato. About time we got some interesting letters around here.

1) Dear "Allie" - change your fucking name to "Trashondra", and only answer to the nickname "Trashie." Or perhaps you could tell people to refer to you as "Assmeat Annie the Anal Queen." Maybe you could call yourself "Bob." Change it up, go crazy, whatever. That'll teach her. What the hell, you're what, 13? You go! It's your life!

2) Dear "O Brother Where Art Thou" - Of course you can refuse. Let him stay, though and you can extort money from him for years and fuck up his life as repayment for stealing your girlfriend in Junior High. It all starts with the family, you know.

3) Dear "Curse of Elvis Einstein" Yes. Quit. You should do what Paris Hilton does - you got the gift. Go to parties and get paid for it, say stupid things pretty much every second of every day, videotape yourself giving blowjobs and post them on YouTube, and overall behave like a whore. Then you'll REALLY rake in the cash! Helps if you are disturbingly anorexic in build, uneducated, and witless.

4) Dear "Cornhole Killer" - count yourself lucky, Bubba: last time I killed a stranger the dang body bloated up so bad the weight I put on him wouldn't keep him on the bottom of the river no more. A couple hikers saw him floating serenely along, all covered with twine and lead sinkers, and I had to take care of them, but that was the easy part: imaging having to weight down a big, bloated corpse for the second time in two weeks to hide it? Dang, man, The smell. I mean, dang. I say let the little fuckers be - don't want to attract any attention, and there are so many victims waiting for you out there...

Man, I feel so in my element right now - these letters give me a sense of purpose I never had before...

I think you missed the Corn Opera, though. Too bad - it was a major blast!

Time for Shaddap, I think.