Some parents pit children against each other. Some try to foster a sense of team spirit and support.

Luckily my mother always told us: "That's your sister and you LOVE her. She'll be your best friend forever and you have to look out each other."

My DH's mother pits his sisters against each other. They're always vying for her approval and sometimes the best way to get it is to cut the other down. They're "best friends" but they hate each other. They compete in EVERYthing and say really awful things to each other and say "Oh, just kidding". But they aren't. I've gasped aloud at some of the vicious things they've said to each other.

And the stakes get higher and the blows lower with each passing year. No longer bickering about who lost more weight on the fad diet or who has the better tan or earrings, they have better fodder now. Marriage, children, careers; the sore spots are deeper and the shots are getting cheaper. The most MIL will say when things get ugly is "Oh, come on now..." Sometimes she laughs at what they say. It's a sickening thing to watch.

My Mother's sister was a brilliant student and I've always enjoyed the discussions we had during the rare times we got together. (we lived at opposite ends of the continent) My Mother occasionally alluded to her achievements, but I didn't realize the extent of them until I visited their alma mater with my Mother a few years ago and saw my aunt's name mentioned so often.

Does this diminish my mother in my eyes? Hardly. She made a significant contribution to our lives (me and my siblings) and her community. She hardly had an easy road in life but made the best of it. Looking at my aunt's family (my cousins) I realize that we are so much luckier. None of the squabbling and petty jelousies that characterize their relationships.

You can only do your best and nobody should judge you unfairly for that.

So true and it's very sad.

I couldn't figure out why my BIL wouldn't talk to my husband and found out that my in-laws have pit him against my husband using unfavorable comparisons. He now hates my husband because according to his parents, he'll never live up to such a paragon of virtue.

Of course with my husband they are very different and don't respect him in the least. I wish the two brothers would get together and compare notes. It would be an eye-opener.

I don't think it's too much to sit the sister down and ask her intentions of becoming a doctor and one in her expertise. Just because a person has a problem with self-esteem around a particular person doesn't mean they have to be the only one to fix it or deal with it.

The fact that the little sister doesn't realize or remember that their mother belittled her older sister shows her self-centeredness and careless disregard toward her sister.

The older sister should step up and tell her little sister that unless that specific area of medicine is absolutely the direction she must go, choose a different path. She is completely right in her concern of her sister overshadowing her. Her colleagues will be comparing the two; and yes, so will patients.

Older Sister, nip it in the bud quickly. If she continues to pursue it, then work up your seniority, position, and connections. Maybe you can get her transfered away. But remember to be an adult. If she is as engrossed in herself as she seems, then she will either lose interest or find another wall to climb. Maybe find her a highly competitive boyfriend who will take her focus off of besting you.

However, you may need to call her out on her need to compete with you. Let her know that you have your own life and are quite happy with it. Tell her she will never find happiness pursuing someone else's life and to get her own.

Very funny. Or, are you seriously suggesting that we keep all the smart and pretty people from acheiving? Why worship mediocrity? Older sister, get councilling, or move or grow up.

lwong82d:

Just because a person has a problem with self-esteem around a particular person doesn't mean they have to be the only one to fix it or deal with it.

Actually, they do. Self-esteem is an internal quantity. No one else can fix it.

lwong82d:

The older sister should step up and tell her little sister that unless that specific area of medicine is absolutely the direction she must go, choose a different path.

I think this would be extremely silly. "I've called being a doctor first!" It will be a long time before her sister can be a doctor of anything. She'd have to take her prerecs, study for the MCAT, pass it, get into medical school, get through medical school, and intern before she'd be heading out into the "real" world. She may find a different speciality. She may realize that she's a little bit on the old side for such a drastic career change. I think the LW is worrying about something that may never happen, and it's something that the LW should deal with.

lwong82d:

She is completely right in her concern of her sister overshadowing her. Her colleagues will be comparing the two; and yes, so will patients.

The patients? Well, maybe if they work at the same practice but that's pretty doubtful. As for her colleagues, that really depends. It doesn't sound like the LW is a bigshot in the medical community, and her sister will be far too old to be one, so they'll compare roughly the same.

lwong82d:

Let her know that you have your own life and are quite happy with it. Tell her she will never find happiness pursuing someone else's life and to get her own.

I think the LW should worry about her own happiness before instructing others. She claims to be close to her sister. Did she ever stop to think that her sister may find her descriptions of her job compelling, or that maybe she looks up to her big sister and wants to be like her?

I second Physics thoughts.

Has the older sister stopped to think that not only had her mother put insecurity into her, bu into her sister as well?

I had the same issues with my older siblings, always believing they were better, more loved, then I realized they were feeling the same way about me. It's sad when a parent plays games like that on their own children, that can't be stopped.

The younger sister probably wants to feel like she's keeping up with the older one, or she genuinely may have the same interests. This should be an interesting time to sit down and let the two have a chat.

What, precisely, is the older sister remotely worried (or even concerned) about?

(I assume:) She's confirmed by the Board of Health for the state she's practicing in. She has a practice with plenty of people who trust her opinion.

Once you get to be a full-fledged doctor, you've passed so many trials that I find it hard to believe this is objectively an issue. "Oh, my sister's doing the same thing? Cute!" That doesn't devalue or otherwise call into question the decade of hard work it takes to get there.

It sounds like the older sister is acting in ways that continue this addictive/abusive cycle. Sure, she needs therapy, undoubtedly -- but the end of this has to be a sisterly respect. My guess is that the older sister has never fundamentally called out the younger sister and been willing to do what's necessary to get the respect she needs. At the same time, why does the younger sister keep doing the same thing the older one does? That's pathetically incompetent decision-making.

They don't know how to live any other way. However, to "break free," instead of paying for therapy and talking about how much they don't like things, they're going to both have to implement life change. I won't wait for the update - I don't think either of these book-smart chicks have a strong enough character to do that.

PhysicsGirl beat me to the punch. What you - lwong82d - are suggesting is that an adult sit down his/her younger-but-adult sister, and try to control her life. It's none of the older sibling's business if the younger sister wants to go the exact same medical school, atke the exact some courses under the exact same teachers, enter the same specialty in the same city, and otherwise completely imitate her life; provided the duplicate sister doesn't try to pass herself off as the other person, steal her patients by trying directly contacting them and claiming she's the better doctor, or otherwise directly impact the other person's life and livelihood.