...I have decided I am annoyed at these letters, fakes, one and all. Tiring. And so I will simply go ballistic and offensive...

...In which Schuyler The Cat takes a much-needed break from reality and offers hallucinogenic drug-induced advice! Free, too! Hoo, yes, it's time, my little friends! Where is Tinky Winky? Dipsy? Oh, mommy...

No Housewarming: jeepers creepers, and I do mean creepers to you there! What an icky-sticky bit of yuckiness THIS is! I swear, some people are SO rude, murdering a teacher of all people! And in the house - I mean her OWN house. Takes all the joy out of home ownership, you know, that and this whole mortgage mess, but what can you do.

Oh, well. Better her than you, eh? Meanwhile, mop up the blood, fungus-face - it's not your fault she's dead...unless you killed her, which would mean it really IS your fault, and that means, well, that means...

Um, wait. Oh, uh? Lost track of myself! BTW: did you do it? Nasty you! Did you shoot her? Come on...tell!

Now, your friend who wants to BUY this place is a whack job and a sicko - I think he's vicariously getting off on your murder plot. Just like I am. I keep thinking - did you stab her? Strangle her? You know, this is really neat, like a little soap opera! Or like...Clue! LW1 did it in the kitchen with the candlestick! And why did you use a candlestick, anyway? Pretty damn stupid choice of weapon. Try a gun next time. Loud, but...never mind.

Meanwhile, your "boyfriend" (I don't mean to pry, but are you sure he's really into you? I mean, what a little pansy!) is being selfish and controlling. I mean, I can certainly understand wanting to avoid certain people - my ex-wife was the goddamn Antichrist for crying out loud, and I wouldn't want to spend another second in her presence, smelling her cheese-butt, so I get all that, but after all, this teacher is dead. I mean, she won't even be home! So what's the big deal?

I kinda wonder about you. I mean, something about that whole Pamela Smart thing - the hot looking killer-chick who offed her husband? Hmm...yummy! Thing is, she wasn't that hot though. Oh, and she didn't do it herself, got that dumb kid to do it. I guess she's not that interesting after all. Neither are you. But really - did you do it?

Anyway, I would definitely consider looking for a new friend. Not the boyfriend - he'll leave soon enough - I mean the house buyer. That guy's just plain creepy. WAIT! Maybe he did it! I mean, now he gets the house right? Was there a discount? Houses that murders took place in may be heavily discounted, an attractive bonus in this tight market.

...The shrooms are wearing off, and I'm getting both sleepy and nauseated...

(Face) Blind as a Bat: I can't tell from your post if you're male or female, but I have decided that you are female and I am weirdly attracted to you because we could totally have that whole "50 First Dates" thing and it would be like a one night stand every day and then I could just, like, split! Kind of a fantasy for me, now. Am I creepy?

So I have to ask: what "other, special" skills do you possess which got you hired to do a job you will obviously be terrible at? I must say, I REALLY want to hire THAT law firm when it comes time to sue McDonalds for making their fries too greasy! I can hear the discussion:

IDIOTLAWYER1: "We need a new floating secretary."
IDIOTLAWYER2: "Yeah, we interviewed quite a few. I like this one here - great pretty tits, but it was like she can't remember someone she met like three seconds ago. Very disturbing"
IDIOTLAWYER1: "You mean like 'Dory' on 'Finding Nemo?'"
IDIOTLAWYER2: "Nah, it's like she's got that thing where she can't remember faces. It's called parasophaglosiac or something. Very rare."
IDIOTLAWYER1: "But she'd be a floater. She'd work with someone different every day. You think that's a good idea?"
IDIOTLAWYER2: "No, but hey: I said she has really great tits!"
IDIOTLAWYER1: "Okay. I get first shot at her at the Christmas party...you have any roofies left?"

You said in your letter "Should I be upfront with people about my condition, and if so, what can I say that doesn't make me come off as stupid?"

Ah. Now things are coming clear - the ecstasy must be peaking. You're..a psycho! You aren't remotely aware that you already look stupid! Did you say at your interview "Why yes, I can do that job." Leave anything out? Hmm? Ah, so clever of you. Have you killed any teachers lately?

...took a break, and took three Paxils. Funny how those confuse you...

Neither the Pretty nor the Smart Sister: Um, shut up. You're whiny. Really. Get a clue. I'm just starting to come on to these expensive drugs and you're bumming me right out. So you're not pretty and you're not smart - so what? You're a total firecracker in bed! Remember our trip to Cabo? The Crisco party? Oh, man: Crisco is SO much better when it's, like, 100 degrees out. Let's face it - you're way more muscular than her, and I've never SEEN a girl deep throat a Carona bottle (Cerveza Mas FINA!)! She wouldn't dare wear that bikini you have, either - like three square inches of flossy fabric, total, and she's built like a poodle. I still have scars on my ass from the sunburn, though.

So cheer up! She can solve advanced calculus in her head, and she'll make a lot more money, but you can suck a golf ball through twenty feet of garden hose, and swallow it! I'll take you, ANY day!

Of course, you can always switch careers. They need a teacher in LW1's home town. Be careful, though. I think she did it.

Wait. Is your name Belinda? No? My bad. Wrong girl. Sucks, your sister, all that. Go figure.

...Getting...very...sleepy...

Confused with love: Is YOUR name Belinda?

- If so, we're through. I told you to swallow. How hard is that? I would, if I were a girl.

- If not: I recommend you buy a new TV. I'm leaning toward the Vizio VO47LF - seems to be a very good blend of cost versus performance. Yeah, I know the Samsungs get a lot of good press and kudos, but the lower cost more than makes up for it, and if you aren't going to Blu-Ray right away, who cares? Buy this now, and in a few years put it in the bedroom or den, and upgrade your home theater set!

Now I am going to recommend you go with the HDMI setup from your player - even if you don't have a surround receiver, the HDMI connectivity produces a much clearer picture. I tested one out at Circuit City comparing HDMI cables and composites - NO COMPETITION! I used a copy of "Troy" (Brad Pitt was just OK, but the cinematography was great - very good test disk in my opinion, and good test of sound as well) and a well-worn copy of "MILF's In Bondage II" (your best work, I think: the scene with the four guys at once? Brilliant! How did you keep tempo? Oh, unless your name isn't Belinda, in which case I highly recommend the movie - she was great!).

Anyway, the quality was superb, certainly best of breed for a budget-minded LCD TV. Got thrown out of the store, though. Who knew you can't use porn to do a TV test in Circuit City?

I hope this was helpful! And meanwhile - the guy dumped you, you a-hole. Buh-bye. Time to mosey.

...Ta ta...I'm off to rehab with Amy and Britt. I am a joy to be around in rehab - 13 stepping my merry way from room to room...

I picked up an Aquos back in January. Beautiful picture, but, the damdest thing, I haven't watched any porn on it yet. But judging by those nature shows on PBS it's going to be pretty hot when I do!

I NEVER watch porn. I find it offensive and vulgar.

Having said that, when I DO watch porn, I don't go HD. Pal of mine got some Jenna Jameson thing on HD-DVD (remember that?) and blasted it up on his 47" at 1080p. On TV she looks like all silky and smooth and luscious. In HD you see everything. Ev-er-y-thing.

Looks like 180 pounds of cottage cheese in an aligator Baggie, all jiggle and wet and veiny and goopy.

ew.

480i is fine for porn, I say.

Standard Operating Procedure (SOP) for Clean up of Small Blood Spills

Follow these procedures for cleaning up spills of blood and blood products. The same procedures can be used for cleaning up other body fluids. For larger spills that go beyond your ability to clean with the supplies on hand, contact HazMat (911).

STEP 1: REQUIRED PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT

.

• Prior to beginning the clean up, don a pair of rubber, latex, PVC or similar type gloves.

For small blood spills no other PPE should be required. For larger spills where there is a possibility of contaminating your face or other parts of your body, call HazMat to perform the clean up.

STEP 2: SPILL KIT EQUIPMENT

The following items may be needed in handling the spill:

• 10% bleach solution (or Lysol, virex or other EPA reg. Tuberculocidal)

• gloves

• clear plastic bags

• biohazard labels (available from OSEH HazMat)

• leak-proof sharps containers (suggested: M Stores catalog #14-827-109)

• brush & dustpan, or tongs or forceps for picking up sharps

• disinfectant wipes

STEP 3: SPILL DECONTAMINATION PROCEDURES

Cover the spill area with a paper towel and then pour freshly mixed 10% bleach and water solution. Allow solution to soak into the contaminated material. Work from the outside edges of the spill inward when applying the bleach solution.

Any glass, needles, or other sharp objects that may puncture the skin will not be picked up by hand. Only mechanical means such as a brush and dustpan, tongs, or forceps are allowed. If you do not have such equipment available, contact HazMat for clean up.

Wipe up bleached material with paper towels or absorbent pads. It may be necessary to use a scrub brush to remove the material if it impacted a hard porous surface such as concrete. If non-porous surfaces, such as a carpet have been contaminated, an outside vendor may be needed to clean the area.

STEP 3: DISPOSAL

Place bleached material, gloves and other disposable materials into a labeled biohazard bag and place into either another labeled biohazard bag or container. Ensure lids are firmly sealed on all waste containers when spill clean up is complete and call HazMat for a pickup. Keep biohazard waste container in a secured area until received by HazMat.

STEP 4: DECONTAMINATE RE-USEABLE EQUIPMENT

Decontaminate with the bleach solution all potentially contaminated re-useable tools or protective equipment used in the cleanup. This includes dustpans, brooms, forceps, buckets, etc. Anything that cannot be effectively cleaned (bleach solution must be able to make contact with all surfaces) must be disposed as waste. After the contaminated area has been cleaned, use fresh water to remove bleach residue from all surfaces.

STEP 5: WASH YOUR HANDS.

If hand-washing facilities are not available at the job site use disinfectant wipes and then wash your hands as soon as possible.

BIOHAZARD EXPOSURE

If you believe you were exposed (skin puncture or splash to eyes or mucous membranes) to biohazard material that had not been decontaminated with the bleach solution follow these recommended steps:

• Skin exposure: Vigorously wash affected skin with plenty of soap and water while removing contaminated clothing and shoes.

• Eye exposure: Wash eyes for at least 10 minutes with copious amounts of water, lifting the upper and lower eyelids occasionally.

I suspect you of writing L#3? It's like a chick version of that Cronenberg movie, Dead Ringer where Jeremy Irons plays those twin gynocologists?

Maybe L#1 as well. And possibly....number 3. What's the name of the law firm? Dali and Magritte?

L #4 I can't even make fun of. It's diabolically touching and pathetic.

There are 2 step 3's?

We were instructed that, basically, if you are cleaning up a hazardous spill of any kind larger than a dinner plate, you had better BE HazMat. Otherwise, the task is simply contain, isolate, and maintain until HazMat arrives. Even then, only if you've been trained for HazMat containment. Your training may differ.

several of these letters do sound even LESS plausible than the "i threw a corncob out the car window and killed my girlfriend's father" letter of last year.

anything with haunted houses should be suspect, as should moral lessons on the plight of disabled, perhaps.

Implausible letteres on a slow holiday weekend. I've already lost interest and/or forgotten them all.

After a long crappy day, I read this post and.........

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! Keep up the good (if not, insane) work, Schuyler, write when you escape from rehab, k?

I'll put $200 down that LW and the "friend" both offed the teacher......with.....the wrench!

fridhem:

I'll put $200 down that LW and the "friend" both offed the teacher......with.....the wrench!

In the conservatory?

lol, actually, I've always wondered why those darn secret passages weren't offered as possible locations....