Letter 1. Your skittish friend needs help overcoming his fears. Invite him to a bar-b-que for the 4th, slip him a micky, and tie him to the refrigerator of the haunted kitchen. Sure, he might scream for a while, but he'll soon realize this kitchen is like every other.

Letter 2. Inform everyone about your disorder, then starting July 4 call everyone either Jack or Barbara. There's no disrespect. Everybody likes good, wholesome American names like Jack and Barbara.

Letter 3. In the spirit of independence, tell your sister she has to start living her own life. But that won't work. So what you have to do is sabotage her efforts. She's had everything easy her whole life. But has she ever dissected a cadaver? Over 4th of July picinic, you need to lay it on really thick and graphical about what it's like to peel back the layers of skin of a 70 year-old fat guy. What about a 93 year-old vagina? You either have what it takes to ace human gross anatomy or you don't-- as friends of mine in medical school have amply demonstrated to me.

Letter 4. Doesn't that pursuit of happiness thing suck sometimes? There's no way to get you boyfriend back. But if you still want to enjoy his company, consider a threeway. On the 4th of course. Just like it was meant to be.

Instead of Jack & Barbara, a nice, neutral name for all would be better. Pat or Lou works.

I've known men and women who went by Sam. And it's very patriotic, too.

A bit ethic perhaps but it rolls of the tongue.

Reminds me of that South Park episode where the alien race used the name of their race for all nouns.

The LW would be like, "Hi, Biff Sanstrom, I need to know when you're available to meet with Biff Sanstrom about the Biff Sanstrom account."

I knew a girl who went by "Vic" once. Sometimes I'd think to myself late at night..."did I just make love to a bricklayer from Patterson, NJ?"

I know several female "Chris's". Anymore that almost seems to be a female name to me.

I don't shorten names. Although Chris is pretty annoying because you have Christine, Christina, Crystal, Christy, Crissy, Sissy, Sally-- no, wait, I'm off track there...

its yggy:

Sure, he might scream for a while, but he'll soon realize this kitchen is like every other.

Uh huh. It's when he STOPS screaming...there's where the music starts...

its yggy:

Everybody likes good, wholesome American names like Jack and Barbara.

This is just damn sound advice.

its yggy:

...what you have to do is sabotage her efforts. She's had everything easy her whole life.

Worked for me. And I have 3 sisters. All older. That's why I never feel pretty.

its yggy:

But if you still want to enjoy his company, consider a threeway.

See? You ARE brilliant!

Cheers, Yggy!

implosion therapy. As opposed to the fireworks celebrations which are explosion therapy.

Dammit, I should've used that!

should have been the title of your response to letter 4

Ah, a minute later I'm still chuckling.

Best advice I've seen in a while.