I think Prudie is a little off base in implying that the older sister has some kind of say in the career choice of the younger sister. Adults get to chose their own paths, and it's not right for a family member to try to guilt someone into not persuing the career of their choice.

When I first started reading the letter from "Caity's" sister, i thought for a minute this might be from my sister! We pursued many of the same activities throughout childhood and high school. I did excel beyond her in several (not all by any means), but whenever I did, she found a reason for me to not talk about it and guilted me into complying. She also did try to steer me away from many persuits (incIuding my career choice, which is not the same as hers, but a slightly related field) by trying to convince me that I would fail and there was no point in trying. (I have said that she was right there, every step of the way, in my life and education, telling me I couldn't possibly succeed.) I know in her eyes, our parents favored me. Most everyone else who has ever commented on it disagrees, but her opinion is the one that shapes her reality.

Knowing and living this dynamic, I doubt that the letter writer's story is the whole story. I'm sure Caity would tell it differently, and that the truth is somewhere in between. The letter writer needs to stop worrying about what little sister is doing and focus on her own career and life. They are adults now. No one is comparing them, except maybe some silly magazine "best doctor" assessment. Very few patients will go to both and then decide. It's time to let go of childhood patterns and start relating to each other like teh adults they are now.

It seems to me like you are talking about a couple different things here:

1) She doesn't 'get a say'. Of course she gets a say. Her sister comes to her and talks to her about her career choice. Is the LW supposed to stand there mute?

2) She doesn't get to make the actual choice. Of course not, I'm not quite sure how somebody could actually force another person's career - short of being somebody like a mentor or something.

3) Your sister guilting and manipulating you. Horrible thing for her to do, doesn't matter as to the why. Not really the dynamic being talked about here. You'll note the LW is convinced her sister will be wildly successful - not telling her sister she will fail.

4) What you didn't talk about, but to me was the most interesting thing, is that this is a pattern arising out of an abusive (or at least very rough) childhood for both of them. Odds are quite good that neither of them are in a healthy pattern. They do need to 'let go' and start relating to each other as healthy adults but odds are that is going to take some serious intervention by trained professionals. Just because you may think your sister is a spoiled brat that could stop at any time, doesn't mean that these people don't have deeper (and harder to resolve) problems.

Yeah, but with all the specialties out there, why this particular one? Having someone copy you all the time is really annoying. She should find her own thing instead of chasing her sister all the time.

Odds are, she'll change specialties before graduation, just as most college students change majors. My niece changed her plans of specialty twice before graduation, as she found other things which looked more interesting to her. Then again, maybe the youner sister really admires the older sister, and envisions them partnering in the same office.

Or perhaps the specialty is something which affected them both, like psychiatry, since they were both impacted by the mother's possible mental illness. Or their father died from a heart attack, and she's a cardiologist.

Tilia, That has got to be rough! Thank God me and my sister were involved with different activities! At the time, I thought it was a pain in the arse, with rides and scheduling stuff. Now I thank my lucky stars, because I could've had a sister like yours or the LW!

1. Not "getting a say" is a phrase I'm familiar with that means you don't have any final vote in the actual decision. For example, my mother in law doesn't get a say in what we name our daughter. That doesn't mean she's literally not allowed to say "I like that name" or "I don't like this name." It means that when we fill otu the birth certificate, her opinion is not going to be the final decision. Anyone can say anything they want to any time they want to. Expressing your opinion (literally saying something) and having the right to strongly influence a decision (getting a say) are not the same thing.

2. You underestimate the power of siblings.

3. It is essentially teh same dynamic - My sister will tell other people that I'll succeed at whatever. I didn;t realize this when we were kids - took a while and some counseling to figure it out. Her fear of me succeeding and somehow outdoing her was the basis for her attempts to convince me not to try. I think her honest feelings about it all are quite similar to the letter writer's, which is unfortunate because she is very talented and intelligent and has many things to be happy about in her own life. We don't know HOW the letter writer would go about dissuading her sister from persuing her career. It's quite probable she is not as intelligent and adept at manipulation as my sister and would not be able to pull off the same tactic, but the intent and emotional basis is the same.

4. Prudie covered the need for therapy quite well. People don;t resolve their deeper issues until they are ready and willing to face them, however. Therapy doesn't do anything if the patient isn't willing to do their part.

Part of the specialty "mimicking" might be that she's seen her sister at work, and it looks more real than other specialties. Give her a couple of years in med school, and she'll have other role models.

ElleBlue -

God as my witness, I swear I will never tell my child to be "just like" his/her sibling. Funny thing - my parents were never the ones pushing, really. My grandmother - well, "Oh you're going to be just like big sister" was her constant refrain, but not my parents. They just didn't point out any other options and I didn't know what else to persue. That changed in college.

I do wish my sister could just be happy with herself and stop the comparing. Now that our lives have diverged much more, she's still very upset and derailed when I do something she feels outshines her. I've pretty much stopped worrying about it, but it's still sad. I want her to be happy when something good happens to me, not jealous and hurt.

Wow, LW's sister really has a competitive chip on her shoulder. Yes, she does get a say, but my intuition tells me that her sibling will only add this to the "catch-up" fever that seems to have permeated her life. My advice is to keep on keeping on, establish your own rep where you are and stop this contest in its tracks by refusing to be a party to it.

Tilia:

ElleBlue -

God as my witness, I swear I will never tell my child to be "just like" his/her sibling. Funny thing - my parents were never the ones pushing, really. My grandmother - well, "Oh you're going to be just like big sister" was her constant refrain, but not my parents. They just didn't point out any other options and I didn't know what else to persue. That changed in college.

I do wish my sister could just be happy with herself and stop the comparing. Now that our lives have diverged much more, she's still very upset and derailed when I do something she feels outshines her. I've pretty much stopped worrying about it, but it's still sad. I want her to be happy when something good happens to me, not jealous and hurt.

I too will never tell my kids to be like their siblings. Each kid is an individual. We are not the Borg!

My parents pulled the "why can't you be like your sister crap" on me. My sister was the type who would play with level headed kids, who were great students. I was the girl who built forts with the boys. We built mile high jumpramps and rode bikes and skateboards on these makeshift ramps. We skated down steep hills. We played tackle football (touch football was for wimps). I have gotten stitches, broken bones and gave my parents headaches.

"doctor sister" took it as an insult, rather than a compliment that her did sister was thinking of the same profession.

but as she said, she comes from a dysfunctional family

My parents never told any of us to be like the others. My motehr frequently wished I'd have several children just like myself, but I wasn't sure if that was a brag or a complaint at times.

My father, however, was a different story. I'd come in and say, "Hey, I got 108 on this test, the highest in the school!" and he'd proceed to tell me how an older sibling had gotten 110 on a similar test, 10-15 years earlier. He never told me to do better. He just made it clear we could never do well enough.

Luckily for me, I gave up trying to get my father's approval early on. Some of my siblings - all in their 50's & 60's - are still trying to get it.