I can't say how many times I've shed tears over the loss. But I only cried once. Does that make sense?

And I don't know why anymore. Is it that I loved her and her faults? I grew to love her that completely. It hadn't been too hard for me to use my imagination to relive the freshness of what I'd believed was our love. Nobody is perfect though. So we grew apart. I felt it and wanted to talk about it. I didn't know what was going on, but I hadn't doubted her love. She used to convey the opposite of what she'd more recently shared. Sometimes I feel that I'd lived an illusion for ten years.

It might have taken a little nudging, but I felt strongly the marriage was over months before it was over.

The now increasingly fewer pangs of jealousy had at one time felt emasculating. True to form, I'd bounced from one extreme emotion to another. It must have lasted a month or so. And all the while she was becoming more distant. I'd first separated myself physically from her before I'd divorced her from my eyes and ears. Avoiding her image, her sight, and her voice. Our relationship wound down to email. My soul ached, as I mourned her - the woman I'd grown to love completely over ten years. Then I realized how much I missed my friend, as I'd not stopped being her friend. And my soul ached from feeling so completely betrayed.

Next came the anxiety. Whom had I really known in this great American city? My 18 year old daughter is carving a life for herself. My friends, companions, and colleagues were mostly married. Besides, it was my life that had changed so completely. Angwoli, ironically, was one of the first to become involved in what was happening and, surprisingly, in a very positive way. Coming to terms with the anxiety I'd once felt suffocating me, I remembered that I'd felt this abandonment before. Many times. I'm well practiced in experiencing a virtual death and rebirth, from one country to another - abandoned from a past and into a foreign future - I think it becomes more painful with time. At least, that's how I feel about it. It helped to rationalize that I was holding on to the memory of what I'd thought was our love in fear of the abandonment I'd felt in childhood. Yes, I then shed more tears and felt a little purged.

The financial and legal paperwork came almost a week ago. She thinks the entire process was too fast and her head is spinning, at least that was what she shared with my daughter. I think she should know I will not let her manipulate me through my love for her ... anymore.

But I haven't yet completely divorced her from my heart and mind. I think single women I've recently befriended have felt that. I guess I'll know when the healing is completely over and, hopefully, I will truly become a complete fool in love again.

I can't express how glad I am to see you posting here again, even under these circumstances. You've suggested it's cathartic, though, so please continue for everyone's benefit.

that's a percussion bomb.

...

...

well, kids are smart (doesn't mean they don't have to be told things), humans are survivors, you're good lookin (he is people, i've seen a pic) .. ah, what the hell, i'm babbling and i'm stupid ..

yes a ten year part of your body is now empty of what filled it! You are alone to get to know yourself as to who you are that led you here. You have a child to spend wome part time with as you learn to fill that void that another person occupied! Many fill it with another outsider! Some grit and bear with themeselves and gradually make new frinds to fill the void of a younger person who needed that other in the past. Falling in love again? lol Well I like to reference in my own life that it took my pangs of sufferings bonded to others of past to get to the person I am with today and in love with - she to me-- And as a grandfather aged individual I have a 4 year old I home school learning to live again with me hence others.

Most Of what I had to discard (in order to live free today-alone mostly) was my early childhood years of training and through ministries and other diety personal reps!

While I do not now spend time alerting Americans to the war within door-s we have opened using other writer's pens to get the work out there, I am now settling down to my own work--screeplays and a most probable relocation out of this country!

Now for a little humor--

Learned early in life in inner city euro and other immigrant ghettoes of NYC about falling in love--

The first signal is the Falling in part!

Run when you feel that way!

For me I worked globally to find my mate in the process of my research and teaching work online-- I found a compatible mate offfshore-- UnAmerican-ized except for her Cambrdige University trained nation Republic similiarities!

When you feel like you are or have fallen in love--

Go to the bathroom and jerk off!

If (when you exit and are with the one you think you are falling in love with immediately afterwards) you still feel the same way about her after ejaculation-- then you are on to something worth exploring further and longer intellectually at least!

lmg

Welcome back...join the club...take your shoes (or pants) off, stay a bit.

Seriously though: I am sorry.

It gets better, and you certainly will know when you're healed. (not sure if it's ever complete)

If writing helps, then by all means write. You do it well.

Cheers.

Ghassan:

It is good to see you post again. Hope, you hang around a bit. Dave said you may show up in these parts. Sorry for the loss . . . a tough one to endure

is literally our gain!

Does it help that so many here adore you? (didn't think so, but there you have it)

My heart aches for you, but it is also so glad to see your name on this board again.

You Liberals are such pussies. Bitch wants to leave...let her go. If it hurts, let it hurt a while and then move on. Get another woman....or don't.

But to come here crying, whining and snivling like a woman just makes us all look bad. Maybe we should take up a collection to buy you a second testicle.

Jack

Thank you for the kind words. It's quite amazing how well I feel I know people here, and that's made it easier for me to write this. I'd written and spoken about little else until a month or so ago. Slowly, I've been replacing memories of her with new memories, and it's only a matter of time before I'm able to regain a full sense of myself.

stupid.

Kids are smart. Mine has adapted well, and she made some very smart decisions during these turbulent times. I am very proud of her, but oh does she still need guidance!

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I've been most thankful for the love and support I've received during this period.

I have felt the void of the 10 year relationship, and I'm not in a rush to fill it. My daughter has been a constant in my life, and she continues to be part of it. Thank God I'm not relying on anyone but me to fill the emptiness in my life. I've been meeting many single women, through friends, activities, and (once) a blind date. I find beauty in every woman, but there's going to be one where most, if not all, things fall into place. I'm in no rush, and I have a lot of capacity to love. Sex, on the other hand, is not love. Sex is not intimacy. I think sex is an important part of both.

I feel I know you as another, and I'd not been more certain than now. Time or you might eventually tell.

Thanks. The worst is over. I'm slowly energizing for an even better future. I can envision it.

Pray, can you let me sneak a peek?

That 'cheers' seems quite familiar, though the name is not.

It does get better. It's getting better every day. Though I've shed tears, I've swung to another extreme where I've not laughed as hard in many years. The other night, at a birthday dinner, I felt more alive than I'd felt in years. It was a perfectly splendid dinner with personality clashes, laughter, flirtations, and interesting stories from 4 continents. I am healing, and, everything being relative, it will feel as complete as I need it to be.

Thank you for dropping a note.

Dave mentioned that he was going to start writing here again, and I'm glad he did. It hadn't occured to me that I'd developed certain valuable relationships on this stupid site.

I sent a 'goodbye' email to her, my ex, about a week ago. We have no children together, so there is nothing that would keep us related. While the loss is real, the marriage was difficult. I wished her the best in life, sincerely, as I believe she truly doesn't know what she'd done, and the most damning thing was that she wasn't even willing to acknowledge the most basic failings. Yes, it had been very tough, and, despite the lingering jealousies I feel, I feel that she has done me a big, if not the biggest, favor, especially when she's been unwilling to address major issues afflicting her - issues that I strongly believe led to her very poor decisions, ending the marriage.