After a whole weekend of off-and-on rain, it looks like the weather has decided to be civilized again..just in time for Monday. Wouldn't you know it? The Boy disapproves, needless to say, because he's off to Santa Clara again, and has to wear a jacket and tie for his business semi-formal client.

I did consult him on a couple of the letters this week. I figured that he has some expertise that might help with the answers, and I was right. He does indeed.

To work!?

1. Now that's a quite a load you're carrying...that cross getting heavy? It must be if you're contemplating dumping it on a five-year-old.

SHADDAP!

Look, the kid asked a question that gets asked all the time. Prudie is *gasp* right on this one. Follow the KISS rule, dippy! "Grandpa Bob is my stepfather" is perfectly acceptable and it's ALL THE KID WANTS TO KNOW. Don't, for the love of puppies and kittens, dump your own bullshit angst on a little kid!

As for your own issues - that's for you to take up on your own. Clearly your mother doesn't want to discuss your biological father with you. She has the absolute right not to do that. You however, do not have any "right" at all to demand answers from her. It's a risk you don't really want to take. You could lose her altogether if you pursue a course of harassment on this subject.

It sounds as if you have no idea about the circumstances of your conception. Why does it matter to you? You arrived. Your mother raised you. You are educated, reasonably well adjusted, married and have children of your own who you love. What did she do wrong? Raise a healthy adult? Gee. Sounds like you had a rough time.

You don't get to bring this up with your mother. You have no idea if you were the product of a date rape, a bad relationship, whatever - you don't need to know that. It's none of your business.

If you are that desperate to "find out" the things that your mother can't discuss, then by all means, contact your birth father. Be prepared, though. He may deny that he even laid eyes on your mother. He might tell you that she was just another one-night-stand. He might not even know you exist. He will probably tell you to get lost.

Whatever he says, keep in mind that you have no "right" to demand answers from either of them. Sometimes those sleeping dogs will tear your head off if you prod them. Do you really want that?

2. Ooh. Such panic! Such terror! So many posters told you to keep your mouth shut for fear of being fired, they make it sound as if you work for a guy named...Ghengis...or Atilla....or Nero... They need to

SHADDAP!

This is one of the questions I posed to The Boy. I figured that 20 years working at one of the biggest consulting companies on the planet would qualify him to give a better answer than most of us here on the Fray. I was right. (It's nice when that happens.)

He said that there are times when everyone has a brain-fart about something. It could be a word, a person's name, a phone number, you name it. It's like a processing error. So to the question...Should an admin correct the boss?

Says The Boy, "Better my admin than a client."

There you have it kids! Spare your boss the embarrassment of hearing this from a peer in an open meeting. How simple is that?

Oh, and I did ask about the assumption a lot of you made that the boss might get pissy about it, or even fire said admin, and the answer to that was, "If he/she is that insecure, then why would you want to work for him/her? Besides, if they call something that trivial a firing offense, sue the bastards!"

From the horse's mouth!

3. What a sissy, namby-pamby question this is! "Should I tell my friends it's rude to text in front of me?" Oh, fercryinoutloud! Duh....

SHADDAP!

and listen!

Would you continue to socialize with a jackass that reads a novel when you take them to dinner?

Would you hang out with some slob who would trim their toenails in a restaurant when you go out for lunch?

How many times would it take you to get the hint that someone who sits in a movie theater listening to an I-Pod is, gee whiz, kinda rude?

Yeah, there are posters here that think you should suck it up and grovel for the attention of people who seem to think that their electronic "buddies" are more worthy of attention than their friends. They're full of crap. Texting other people in a social situation is just plain rude.

Here again, I asked The Boy for his take on the subject. Before I give you his answer, I'll tell you what I've observed. There are times when he has no choice but to leave his cell phone on. That's the job he has. These are his habits.

a) The Crackberry is ALWAYS set to vibrate unless he is sitting at this desk. No one gets to hear it ring.

b) If it rings, and it's something he has to answer, he picks up, tells the caller to hang on, and LEAVES THE ROOM to talk to them. He NEVER has a conversation on a cell phone in the presence of others, particularly in a social situation and especially at the dinner table. If we're in a restaurant, he will go outside the door, in order to spare other diners.

c) Again, it's the nature of the job that he has to have his Crackberry with him most of the time. If an e-mail comes in, he looks at the sender, then either ignores the message to be answered later or excuses himself and LEAVES THE ROOM to read and respond.

d) I have never seen either him or his colleagues text in the presence of others. Ever.

e) I HAVE seen all of these people shut their phones off entirely when they're socializing, particularly in a group.

Why does he do all of these things? BECAUSE IT'S POLITE! He considers other people's time to be as valuable as his is, and would never consider giving them less than his full attention, no matter if the situation is business or personal. It's the right thing to do.

His response to the questions? Here it is; "Why would anyone hang out with assholes like that?"

I have to agree. If someone just HAS to spend hours texting the world, then they can do it alone. Why would you want to sit around watching them work on their repetitive stress injuries? How boring. Don't you have something more interesting to do? Like watching paint dry?

If your so-called "friends" do this to you again, tell them that you'll be happy to see them when they have time for you, then leave. If they have a problem with this, then it's time to find some grown-up friends who value the people that they're with.

4. Whoo, boy. This one got EVERYONE riled. We heard everything from "nunuvyerbizness" to "ick" to...well, you name it! Prudence was right about your idea of sending the card....it sucks. If this woman in your friend, then you have to tell her straight up to

SHADDAP!

What she did with the photos was just plain rude. She doesn't get to have it both ways. Going braless, then bitching that she doesn't look good is just not on. The poster who said that she can choose whether to wear a slingshot or not, but to make peace with the choice is correct.

That said. I did a brief straw poll about the bra issue with about 10 people. They were men and women, straight and gay, married and single. The answer?

Consensus says that ANY ADULT WOMAN walking around braless is just TMI. No one REALLY wants to see boobs of any sort bobbling around all over the place. Sorry, but it's true. Humanity, for the most part, wears clothing in public. Staying warm is not the only reason for that.

One man actually said that it's just as tacky to go braless as it is for guys in those unlined nylon shorts to go commando. No one wants to see that.

No one has to like it. It isn't "anti-feminist". It isn't "anti-woman. Face it, the 60s are over, never to come again and that's a good thing. We need to move on. It NEVER looked good to walk around missing that most crucial of undergarments unless the person has tiny little boobs, and even then, it's just TMI.

It's even more crucial to rein in the boobs when they've gone from being 36Cs to 36 Longs. It just looks better. It's polite. If your friend was walking around with a big chunk of spinach between her teeth, you'd tell her. So what's the issue? If it doesn't look good, SAY SOMETHING.

Yeesh.

Bravo as always.

I especially like your advice to number four. I feel it is spot on. Yes, I know that bras can be uncomfortable but after you break it in it gets much better. A broken in bra might not give the support that people would like but it still holds them up better then going braless. I wear a bra to sleep sometimes because I feel much more comfortable that way. I would never go without one. Also I think there is something powerful about wearing a bra especially if it not the plain beige. I used to have bras in a number of colors until I seem to wear such a size now that I have black, white and beige and nothing else... my favorite was a purple one.

The texting letter reminded me of a roomate I had in college, she would invite friends up to the room and spend the entire time they were over on Instant Messanger. My roommate would sit on the bed and her friend would sit at the computer typing to people that the friend might not even know; whatever my roommate said to write. It didn't seem like a fun way to hang out with people in my opinion. Maybe the texter was my former roomate...

I hope you paid appropriately for the sound professional advice.

Yup. He got a big smooch and a handful of granola bars before he had to go to the airport.

;-)

It's all common sense. Yours is just less forgiving of stupidity than some.

I really can't imagine someone getting fired over correcting a boss. If it were to happen to me, I'd figure it was their loss. Then I'd sue the pants off of 'em.

I could see someone getting moved to the top of the layoff list for being an annoying busybody who corrects everyone. There is a lot to be said for group morale.

I worked with a guy who screamed obscenities at his computer for about 6 hours a day, spent one hour crowing over how he'd beaten it, and spent another hour telling everyone how good he was - too good to do anything not directly in his job description. He got taken out on the next layoff.

ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod, how's my hair?!?

MessyONE:

Consensus says that ANY ADULT WOMAN walking around braless is just TMI. No one REALLY wants to see boobs of any sort bobbling around all over the place.

To be honest I'd have to take this on a boob by boob basis, Messy.

Lovely Messy. Really great.

I do take some issue with the texting. Let me say, that for me, who gets a gajillion phone calls and messages professionally, I'm with Messy.

People talking to themselves are an irritating bore. (

(I think that communication technology has made some jobs conceivable,possible, doable and required in a way that didn't even exist a half dozen years ago, but I digress).

I think this is generational (God, geting old,old, old). I go out to dinner with my husband to get unplugged if I can. You know, if there's a fire,call the fire department, first. If the world is ending, I'd just as soon finish my wine. There's nothing sexier and more reckless these days than turning off your communication device.

In the other hand, for the youngsters, getting plugged in is part of their "social networking". They go out in groups, communicate with other groups at the same time. Being physically present isn't required. Being present is optional. You can participate from anywhere, a little or a lot. It's like a generation raised with the technology and reality TV does everything with an audience? They talk,text and photograph everything with the phone. It's not even remotely considered rude it's considered being part of society. You don't even exist if you're not on Facebook.

Whether this continues as this generation grows up and gets married etc. remains to be seen. There's a big difference between dishing the dirt a nightclub and getting 12 questions from the Board about this quarter's P and L in the grocery store.The technology will change again, too.

While I sympathize with the LW, I think she either has to get friends who feel likewise or stop taking this trend personally.

...and will again, ahem, IT consultants are the smartest resource on the planet. Ahem. Engineers are right up there. Why? Because they're the guys who have to make things work, while everybody fucked it up, and the customer is breathin down everyone's neck.

Tip of the hat to 'the BOY'.

What a bunch of absolute numbskulls wrote in to our Dear Prudie this week. How do they manage to put clothes on in the morning, especially in the correct order?

Prudie's answer for #1, and The Boy's answer for #2 and #3 were absolutely on target. Last but not least, Ms. Beltnipples really needs to get a better understanding of her body image. You don't suppose she has Alzheimers's, do you?

Regarding #1, though - your answer on this one might change in a couple decades. I am virtually certain that your feelings on this issue will soften. If I had a surprise kid or so from my life prior to marriage to Ms. goldberg (and I don't) and such kid showed up with kids (my grandkids) I might want to get to know them.

Eventually the elasticity goes away and those little peaches turn into eggplants.

It's rare enough that someone tells him he's doing something right. Clients seem to specialize in second-guessing the people they hired as experts these days.

People get too attached to the way they've always done things to the point where they're actively obstructive to people like The Boy, who is not only there to implement their new tech, but to decide who goes and who stays once everything's installed. Twits.

Sigh.

I asked The Boy about the generational thing, too. He said that new staffers (they would be in their 20s) get it knocked into their dainty little skulls immediately that they can't use texting to do business.

There are proprietary issues to consider - and texting is the most insecure way to pass information that there is. There are also paper trail and database issues. Every business communication has to be either in a hard drive or on paper. All proposals, all work product MUST be handled properly. All staff are required to take their own notes in meetings, on one-to-one telephone conversations and conference calls, on paper with a pen.

Why the caution? Because these documents may (and frequently are) necessary in case something goes to court. Recall must be precise. They must be able to give full details as to what was discussed at meetings. The only way to do this with any accuracy is to have dated, detailed notes. These things mean literally millions of dollars to the parties involved.

Besides, I still think only an asshole would accept an invitation to go out, then text all night. It's rude. Period. The fact that "everyone does it" doesn't cut any ice with me. It makes me want to use Mom tones and say, "If Billy jumped off a bridge, would YOU jump off a bridge?"

Aptly put. I agree completely. Guess that makes me old, too. Best line I have read in ages - "if the world is ending, I'd just as soon finish my wine."

Most of the posts commented on the necessity of cell phones for business purposes or emergencies. Of course we understand and hope most respond with respect and politeness for present company as Messy's husband.I got the idea that the letter writer was talking about purely social use though while already in a social setting, which doesn't even enter the realm of possibilities for those of us over 35. It's just plain rude to us.

The quality and content of the communication is questionable. Lots of times it seems to be of the "hey, what's up?" nature. I don't get it.



quietwife wrote the following post at 06/30/2008 1:24 PM:

I think this is generational. For youngsters, getting plugged in is part of their "social networking". They go out in groups, communicate with other groups at the same time. Being physically present isn't required. Being present is optional. You can participate from anywhere, a little or a lot. It's like a generation raised with the technology and reality TV does everything with an audience? They talk,text and photograph everything with the phone. It's not even remotely considered rude, it's considered being part of society.

Oh, and, "Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well."

Look, I'm not much of a breast man to begin with. I'm not in any way invested in this issue. My personal feeling is if your tits look good without a bra, then don't wear one. Whether this particular woman does or doesn't is none of my concern. It just seems a little tyrannical to me to say all women should wear bras-- for the sake of society or something. I've known breasts that scoff at that!