With any luck at all, he will be dead by the time your son finds out different. And if someday your son turns into the sort of daytime-television drama queen who says "HOW COULD YOU tell me an untruth, deny me my God-given right to upset the hell out of grandma, ask a billion irritating five-year-old questions I wouldn't understand the answers to anyway, and now thrust myself into the life of some stranger who never wanted to be part of this family and vice versa?" -- cut him loose too. Life's too short.

There's secrecy and lies ("Your older sister is actually your mother."), and then there's stuff you really shouldn't dump on a child if it's avoidable ("The uncle from a branch of the family you never see anyway raped and murdered his daughter.") and there's lots of stuff in between. This idea that everyone in the family deserves to know everything about everyone else the first time they ask is a silly Prudyism. You notice she doesn't apply it to any female LW's own sexual history, that's a privacy issue. But Mom's sexual history is different because that's a family honesty issue. In reality, neither rule is absolute.

Wow. Whoever said the whole truth and nothing but the truth when dealing with kids?

Tell the kid you didn't have dad. Better yet, tell him lots of people don't tell one. If he asks why, tell them there are many reasons why some people don't, but isn't he glad he does? Deflect it.

If you say your dad's dead, he'll ask about that, AND he'll worry about losing his own father. Perv relatives the kid should know about when he gets a little older - maybe not details - in case they come around, assuming they aren't locked away for life. "You haven't met Uncle Billy, because he can be dangerous. He can seem really nice, but he has hurt people who cared about him." Refuse details; he can google them when he grows up.

Things like Aunt Mary is really Mom protect her privacy. However, that's a good reason for letting someone outside the family raise a child you aren't going to raise.

Wow... you've got to have sex on your mind a lot to turn a parent question into a sex question. Yes technically the sex is what made them a parent but don't you think there is a whole lot besides that in the whole parenting relationship?

SusanM,

What parenting relationship? The guy has never had anything to do with his daughter, much less his genetic grandson. But if Mom doesn't deflect this, grandson is going to be all over grandmom about the "first husband" she never married. You feel this is only technically "sexual" stuff, and I'm not obsessed with its sexual nature either. I'm just saying, for Prudie, wifie owes husband exactly zilch pre-marital info, so why does grandma have to give it all up the first time a five-year-old asks a random question? (In fairness to Prudie, she is also hoping this can be ducked. But she's not willing to duck with the lie direct, under the impression that five-year-old will remember forever and be scarred for life, which is just silly.)

Genetics are a pretty big deal. You don't have to meet a kid to need to know the medical history.

There is also modeling good behavior - this kid will figure it out pretty quickly that Grandpa wasn't with Grandma when Mom was born. He can either be told now and in a factual manner. Or he can find out later and see it as a shameful thing that his entire family conspired to lie to him about.

And I'm not sure where you think this kid is just going to 'forget'. Either Mom will quickly have to change her story - which will confuse the kid. Or Mom will have to continue with the same story for years and years, not something he is going to forget. Its not like Grandpa will be gone tomorrow and never mentioned again.

Actually, what I got from the letter was that it really was a mother daughter problem. The kid just asked the wrong question.

And, for better or for worse, even 5 years old are quite accustomed to hearing from their friends about about fathers who live elsewhere or whom are visited on the weekend etc. Half of his peer group probably has some kind of situation about this. It's kind of normal.

quietwife:

Actually, what I got from the letter was that it really was a mother daughter problem. The kid just asked the wrong question.

Exactly. I got the sense the kid was just curious. Probably the question followed "why don't you call grandpa dad?" or "look like grandpa?" Perhaps not in the same moment, but the kid was probably thinking about the fun! (hopefully) trip to Grandma and Grandpa's and thought up a why question about mom and her current 'dad'.

Mom then turns around and interprets this question as some huge big event in this 5 year olds life. Probably because it was a big issue for her, conveniently forgetting that this man really isn't all that important in her child's eyes or for her child. It is great to have a grandpa but not necessary, and that role seems to be filled by grandma's current husband anyhow. I suspect that if the LW and her mom had a heart to heart the LW problem with how much and what to tell her 5 year old will miraculously disappear.

SusanM:

There is also modeling good behavior - this kid will figure it out pretty quickly that Grandpa wasn't with Grandma when Mom was born. He can either be told now and in a factual manner. Or he can find out later and see it as a shameful thing that his entire family conspired to lie to him about.

That why I think she can answer what he's really asking, and deflect discussing all the ramifications of premarital sex and unwed motherhood with a simple, "I didn't grow up with a Dad. Not everyone has both a mom and a dad."

Being 5, it'll answer his immediate question of who her dad is - for him, nobody. He'll look around and see that yes, there are some kids without both. When he's a little older, he'll realize that biologically, everyone has both, and she can open a more mature discussion about how Grandma and Mom's father never got married.

When she and/or his father has "the talk" with him, she can point out how having sex without marriage complicated the lives of both Mom and Grandma, and that her father never got to know his daughter or grandkids, and that her son needs to try to avoid having that happen to anyone. Hopefully, he'll at least use protection when the time comes to make that choice.

I do think that is a good option Incog. Or a simple "Grandpa is my stepdad'. Odd are the kid will say OK and that is the end of the story for now. No need to lie or make up some elaborate story in the name of protecting grandma's sexual history.

The grandmother owns the explanation to the grandchildren, she is the one creating the mess being wild in college.

clarinda:

The grandmother owns the explanation to the grandchildren, she is the one creating the mess being wild in college.

Being wild? I hardly think one has to be "wild" to get pregnant in college. Nor do I think that she has created a mess for her grandchildren. I think the LW is making a big deal out of nothing.

clarinda:

The grandmother owns the explanation to the grandchildren, she is the one creating the mess being wild in college.

As someone pointed out elsewhere, she could have been raped or date raped, and decided to keep the baby anyway. She could have been engaged and had an "oops", and then he ran out rather than taking responsibility. She could even have raised her little sister's child, and accepted the "shame" of unwed motherhood, rather than subjecting a teen to it. She may have visited the local foundling home, and found it unfit for a dog, much less her child.

I think it's a little late to pass judgement on Grandma now, after all these decades, in any case. Too many people want to shame unwed mothers (while ignoring the fathers), and at the same time deny them the right to an abortion and government assistance in caring for the resultant child. I think any punishment she may have been due has already been meted.

The grandmother has had over 33 years to figure out how to tell people that she's not married to her daughter's father. This can't be the first time she'll be asked. If she decided to keep her daughter all those years ago, she needs to get over it and find a way to answer or not answer the question without getting upset. I can't imagine anyone in her right mind getting upset because her grandson wonders who his mom's dad is. If anyone has a problem, it's the woman who hasn't figured this out in over three decades and who has doubtlessly visited this problem on her kid while she grew up.

Kids are not stupid and they can be trusted with some sensitive information. My three-year old daughter recently asked me about my dad's mom, who was physically abusive to him. I told her (in simple terms) that his mommy was not nice, but that he is very nice and that we (my husband and I) are very nice, so she doesn't have to worry about it. Then I told her that it might hurt her grandfather's feelings to talk about his mommy, so if she has any questions she should ask me when he isn't around. And that's exactly what she does.

We gave her a similar lesson about people with disabilities or unusual appearances in public. She knows not to talk about the person in public, but that when we get home or in the car she can ask whatever questions she wants. And that's just what she does.

Presumably the LW has taught her son such lessons. So just do the same thing with the issue of her father. And if he lets a question slip in front of the grandmother, the grandmother needs to get a grip.

BarnacleGoose:

The grandmother has had over 33 years to figure out how to tell people that she's not married to her daughter's father. This can't be the first time she'll be asked. If she decided to keep her daughter all those years ago, she needs to get over it and find a way to answer or not answer the question without getting upset. I can't imagine anyone in her right mind getting upset because her grandson wonders who his mom's dad is. If anyone has a problem, it's the woman who hasn't figured this out in over three decades and who has doubtlessly visited this problem on her kid while she grew up.

Kids are not stupid and they can be trusted with some sensitive information. My three-year old daughter recently asked me about my dad's mom, who was physically abusive to him. I told her (in simple terms) that his mommy was not nice, but that he is very nice and that we (my husband and I) are very nice, so she doesn't have to worry about it. Then I told her that it might hurt her grandfather's feelings to talk about his mommy, so if she has any questions she should ask me when he isn't around. And that's exactly what she does.

We gave her a similar lesson about people with disabilities or unusual appearances in public. She knows not to talk about the person in public, but that when we get home or in the car she can ask whatever questions she wants. And that's just what she does.

Presumably the LW has taught her son such lessons. So just do the same thing with the issue of her father. And if he lets a question slip in front of the grandmother, the grandmother needs to get a grip.

This is assuming the issue was raised recently (in the past few years). It could be the last time the LW asked about her father was when she was 12 or some such age and never spoke to her mom about it again. Grandma may have no trouble talking about it now but has yet to be asked or discussion opened. If the LW approached her now grandma maybe like, "Oh him, I've almost forgotten about him." It could also be that Grandma was violently raped by this man and may even carry both emotional and physical scars and is still sensitive to it. It could also be that it wasn't Grandma shutting down the conversation because she was sensitive to the topic but because she was saying the truth which may not have been what the LW wanted to hear. (12 year old girl wanting to hear that her father is some kind of wealthy man who will someday come and rescue her family from all the money troubles. Not, the man was a jerk, asked Grandma to marry him and then knocked her up and left her at the alter.) In short: We do not know enough information to say if Grandma needs to get over it or not. We do have enough, imo, to say that the LW needs to get over it.

Still, as an adult, no matter the circumstances on how she got pregnant, the grandma should be mature enough to face the questions.

Sometimes people around, like mistpanther said, assume that will be her reaction and are afraid to ask, maybe she truly has no problem answering the question.