Do you have any idea how much pressure men are under to act macho? But not all of can be muscular, talk in a ultra bass octave, drive a 4X4 truck, have been a former football line backer, etc. You get the idea. If your man is already insecure in his masculinity (which is fairly easy to be,) you could really be destroying him emotionally.

Further to Short Tony - I think the newlywed could hardly be older than 17 or 18. Her immaturity shouts from the screen. It reflects a personality which, combined with the unresolved problem she wrote about, doesn't bode well for this marriage. I wish the husband luck.

I agree, but you also have to know that we women have had it shoved down our throats that men want sex more than us. Society thinks that it's impossible for a woman to have a larger sex drive than their husband. For so many women, this comes as a huge shock and we automatically think - what? I'm not sexy enough, he's gay, he's not attracted to me... When men have a bigger sex drive, they think that's normal, not - she must hate me or be a lesbian. Women often have bigger sex drives than they like to admit -we just don't often talk about it.

Also - why do we have to define people's sexual orientation by their personality? I'm a bit of a tomboy, but I'm heterosexual. I think defining people by the way they act puts them in a box that offends (or should offend) everyone, including the gay and lesbian community.

"I've confronted him a couple times and he denies it up and down, but gets kind of defensive."

Um, you think?

I'm with Prudie when she asked, in so many words, why LW married her husband in the first place. She dates and marries a man that she suspects of being gay. Why? Did she think she could "straighten" him out? Also, does she really think hounding him about his sexuality is really going to resolve the issue?

Having said all that, I also suspect that the husband's gay. I've known several women who were married to men who were closeted. One woman was informed by her new husband on their wedding night that he was gay, but he could change with her help. The marriage lasted 3 years and was never consumated. A close friend was married for 7 years, no consummation, and she suspects that her ex was sexually attracted to children.

I think the average human being can tell if their mate is into them sexually or is just going thru the motions. This woman knows, she just doesn't want to deal with what she knows. Maybe counseling will get this couple to face up to their sham marriage.

I can identify with some of what this woman is going through. I recently ended a relationship with a man who I am convinced is at least bisexual, if not gay, and is trying to convince himself and everyone else otherwise by making a show of his relationships with women. His mannerisms were very effeminate, he talked in a high voice, his hobbies were candlemaking and crocheting, and he openly admitted to me that he "embraced a more feminine lifestyle"...Yet he said he was not gay, and became very defensive when questioned about it. I guess I am not sure why Suspicious Wife married the guy she married, but I can understand her conflict. She loves him, and really wants to believe himi when he says he isn't gay...yet, there are all these other signs...

I guess if a man, such as my ex-boyfriend, is not gay, it does not bode well for him to be doing things that are feminine, and then acting defensive when people make the assumption that he is gay. I always thought it was odd that my ex would get oh so defensive about it being assumed that he was gay because of his feminine mannerisms and chartecterstics, but then went on to tell about his latest candlmaking projects, how much he likes to crochet, and remind me again that he has embraced feminine lifestyle. If he is not gay, he sure as heck puts on a good pseudo-gay act.

I am glad that I broke up with the guy. I concluded that I need a very masculine guy. I can't imagine being married to my pseudo-gay ex-boyfriend. I would be going through the same madness that Suspicious Wife is. I have no problem with a man being gay...but be open about it. Don't lure someone into your self-deception, and then carry on as if everyone is crazy because they can plainly see what you (not you specifically, Tony, just these guys in general) will not admit to yourself or anyone else.

Good luck, Suspicious Wife. You're going to need it.

You don't think your own underlying homophobia was really the problem Stefanie? It seems like you want this ideal of a man as it befits a particular stereotype and can't just settle for WHO a person is.

Yeah. It could.

Yesterday a lesbian friend of mine was railing about how her ex-girlfriend hadn't been able to handle the fact that this friend of mine had been with men, and worse, enjoyed it. My associate was adamant that orientation (especially past orientation) shouldn't matter, what should matter is your relationship with the person you're with. Well, duh. Why her girlfriend couldn't handle that, I don't know.

And just why is it that in this day and age it's not the actions that are homosexual, but the person? We've had the freakin' Kinsey report since the 50's!

It seems to me that everyone has forgotten that being effeminate is not necessarily a sign of being gay. It could very well be that these people are transgendered, therefore, not gay. Let's broaden our scope of understanding human sexuality. There are not just two distinct genders. The LGBT community has come to understand this; hence, Lesbian, gay, bi, transgendered. Why can't the rest of us?

Anyway, he sounds like an interesting person. Perhaps merely with interests that don't fall into our preconceived notion of what "boys" and "girls" SHOULD be interested in.

Just my two cents.

Praline

Short Tony, GET A GRIP! Male friends don't make "jokes" to your wife that they have had sex if you are a heterosexual. I say they have counseling. If he is in fact gay, then he should come out and say so. What if he goes out and has sex with another man then comes home and gives his wife some unwanted disease like AIDS??? He should just be honest and tell her the truth.

Basic

Actually, some do. It's quite in keeping with the frat-boy, stupid-college-buddie mentality. The LW says the friend's a jerk, which leads me to believe he might be the smart-assed type who would say such a thing. And for all we know, it might have been said in response to her "hinting around" trying to deduce if her guy is straight or not. She comes across as so ditzy and immature, it's easy to imagine her believing she's being coy when in reality she was implying all his buddies are gay right to their face.

Very good point Praline. Transgendered is a possibility. As is a straight guy who simply feels more comfortable with a more stereotypical feminine role.

I wonder if Stefanie would be willing to never wear pants again so we don't all think she is lesbian?? She'd also have to remember to be very passive. We all know men are the more assertive ones after all.

I think there is a strong chance that the jerk friend was, in his jerk way, trying to warn the wife.I would STRONGLY recommend counseling, long-term counseling. It can't hurt anyway, counseling is like exercise, not everyone NEEDS to do it, but everyone benefits from getting a little. I would also like to say that being married to a closeted gay man might not be the end of the world, just use a condom. If they are in love and both reasonably happy, who are we to judge? Many straight couples are hideously unhappy for years on end, why should two people who might not be 100% compatable in bed not try to make a go of raising a family together if that is their choice? I say again, though, use a condom, every time. Just in case.

* Effeminate voice

* Girl hobbies -- scrap-booking, crocheting, candle-making

* Effeminate mannerisms

There was a time when a person who fit those characteristics was called a "dandy" or a "fop." Now we go directly to "gay."

I'm a large aggressive, low-voiced, flat-chested, lumbering, somewhat overweight woman. Married, very heterosexual, mother of six kids. Nobody assumes I'm gay.

Why the difference?

It's a point of great interest to me. Anyone have any opinions? Why are effiminate men more likely to have to defend their heterosexuality than tom-boy women are?

My marriage of 32 years came to an abrupt end when I found out that my husband was a gay man. He was my childhood sweetheart and we, indeed, loved each other very much. He was my best friend and he liked all of the things I liked and since we married very young and I had no basis for comparison, I thought everything was great and that we had was real togetherness. Dear suspicious wife, run while you can! If you fear this, then it is true. I often felt that while there was love between us, there was very little sexual interest on his part. I attributed it to many things, being over tired, later in life to the medications he had to take for blood pressure, etc. Not so! Closeted gay men who remain in a marriage want a family and the nice cover that a wife provides. They can't come to terms with their own sexual preference and they do love being married. They compensate for their lack of sexual interest in other ways, sometimes by buying things for us even when they cannot afford it. Eventually, it all comes out in the wash. They always deny it and there is always a logical explanation for their behavior even when we question certain things that happen or things that are said. As loving wives, we want to believe the explanation until one day they get caught. In our case, our daughter found him out by something he left on the home computer when she accidentally discovered it when doing her homework. The end result: four unhappy lives, his mine and those of our two kids. I never thought this could happen to us, but it did. Also, word of caution: protect yourself from STD's. I speak from experience.

Wiser yet heartbroken.