"if you two are able to have a child, he will end up wondering how he ever could have thought he didn't want any more."

People always say this, because they think that everyone in the world is exactly like them. Sorry, Prudie, but it's not true. Not everyone wants kids, and not everyone melts when the baby is born.

I know a couple who had not just one but two babies that the husband didn't want, and when the kids were old enough to be in elementary school, he was still complaining about being "forced" to accede to his wife's wishes (his failure to take responsibility for acceding is a whole other issue).

The couple in this letter had better pray that the child doesn't have a birth defect or a serious disability, because if it does, this husband will never forgive his wife for insisting they have the child, himself for going along, or the child for being born.

That was a typical Emily reply and equally obnoxious. She's kinda known for this and just can't help herself, which is why she's a lously advice columnist.

however, he has two, and is apparently a loving father. So I don't think the baby would be as "unwanted" as it might be in other circumstances.

Also, if I understand the LW, he told her of his decision early on in the relationship. My boyfriend and I had a similar discussion early on in ours. He said he had always wanted children, that it was important to him, and I had pretty much decided years ago not to have any - I can't, anyway, so I would have to go through surrogacy or adoption. However, we decided to not "borrow trouble" and worry about something that might be an issue, since who knew at that point where the relationship might go.

Now, a year later, I am completely in love with this amazing man, and seeing him with children we know I can see what a wonderful father he would be if we got married and had a child. So, my feelings toward having a child with him have changed quite a bit.

I guess my point is maybe the gentleman in question isn't quite as opposed to it as he once was. Maybe he sees how she is with his own children, and figures hey, it might be a wonderful experience to have a child with her. I think we have to give the man some credit and assume that he knows his own mind, and would not have changed his position and agreed to this lightly.

I can see the wisdom of this distinction. Also, though, the LW might want to think about how the guy's change of heart was delivered. Was it begrudging? Or did he seem genuinely happy and at peace with his decision?

To me, it didn't sound like she wanted to "make" him have a baby, she was very concerned that he be ok with it. So all told, it didn't sound to me like either of them would be jumping into it without more discussion.

I wish them the best of luck!

While I agree there is a difference between a man who never wanted children and a man who has two children and says he doesn't want more, my concern stands because a lot of people who had children more than ten years ago and love them dearly still don't want to go back to babies, diapers, middle-of-the-night feedings, etc. Those two stances are not incompatible.

However, my main point was that no one ever knows how a child will turn out. His existing kids may be fantastic. But if the next one has problems, the father may still love the child deeply but feel that his life was changed in a way that he didn't want and that he should have stopped at the two he had.

I don't think the stresses that a child with physical or mental disabilities puts on a family should ever be minimized, and because these things cannot always be predicted accurately, I think that anyone who wants a child should ask themselves, before they get pregnant, "Do I want a child so badly that even in the worst-case scenario (Down syndrome, spina bifida, whatever 'worst case' means to the inidvidual), I would still be glad I had this child?"

I work in a special needs program and one thing I noticed right away - most of these families are one-parent families. A high-need child takes all of the family's time and resources and there's nothing left to give to the marriage.

Denever, you don't say whether you have children or not; I don't mean this to sound patronizing if you do. But I think something missing from your comments is a recognition of what happens in the minds and hearts of [reasonably conscientious] people when they start families: you learn to relinquish the illusion that you control your fate, and that you get to institute your life exactly as you imagine it in your dreams. You accept that what matters is that you're committed to these people--starting with your spouse, and followed perhaps by children--come hell or high water, in good times and in bad, through the anticipated and completely unforseen. This man has already crossed that Rubicon with his first children, and one imagines, has learned to be flexible enough to accept the idea of a new reality for his family (by whom I mean his sons and the letter writer). I think he had an idea for what the rest of his life was going to look like (no more kids) and then met this woman, fell in love with her, realized that he wanted to bring her into the fold of his family, and then was (after consideration) open to the idea his life going in a different direction than he anticipated; i.e. fathering another child.

Put another way--of course there's no guarantee that a new baby with the new wife will be as 'fantastic' as his first two kids. He knows that. He also knows (one would hope) that there's no guarantee that his life with the new wife, or his life in general, or anything, will be perfect either. So maybe the baby will be born with a horrible birth defect and need constant care, and maybe the father will have moments when he will wish he had never met the mother and the baby had never been born. ALL parents, even of completely 'wanted' children, have those moments. But, that aside, what if the wife gets cancer and needs constant care? Is that possibility enough to keep him from marrying her? What about the precious first two sons? You really think that he wouldn't feel sorry for himself if one or both of them turned out rotten and he was bailing them out of jail and checking them into rehab, simply because he had advocated for their conception?

My point is that in a family, if there's true love, committment, honesty and trust (which it sounds like there is between the letter writer and her fiance) sometimes you have to just take a leap of faith. Nobody needs to jump all over me for saying that people should blindly or stupidly or irresponsibly have kids, because of course they shouldn't. God knows there's enough of that in the world today. But there's nothing wrong with going forward where your heart takes you, or the heart of your beloved, even if you have moments of doubt and even if there are risks. You seem to be saying that this man should be making his decisons based on a matrix of fear and worst-case scenarios and how those possible bad outcomes would make him feel and affect his life. But he's already committed to a family and as such (one hopes) has made the mental adjustment to thinking in terms of how they will move through life together. That doesn't mean that the individuals don't matter, but they also aren't the only entities that matter either.

And while I'm on the subject: I disagree strongly with those who feel that there's something wrong with the prioities of a woman who knows that bearing children is part of a complete life for her, and is strong enough to leave a man she loves but who feels unable to join her on that path. Relationships and marriages come and go, but the experience of having a child and being a mother has no equal and no replacement. That doesn't mean that every woman has to have a child--far from it--but someone who is honest about wanting such a basic, yet miraculous, experience in her life hardly deserves to be judged for it.

I totally disagree. I believe that when people are up front about things straight from the beginning, not to mention that he did have the surgery to stop pregnancies all together (it's not like he was just wearing protection or taking "precautions"...surgery is quite permanent), their comments should be taken at face value. They have obviously thought things through and made a clear decision. It's a shame that she would come back into the relationship on the basis of him agreeing to having a child, to make him contradict his own feelings/decisions, just so he could stay with her, because he clearly loves her that much....This makes me ask, how much does she really love him? My second problem with this is...she already has two children she doesn't consider "hers" as per her letter...I believe the quote is "If I can claim them as my own..." or something quite similar. Here's what often happens with people who believe silly things like this. They treat the two "non" children extremely well, but as soon as a "real" child comes into the mix, even if it's not intentionally done, there is a change that is present. And what happens is the older children are now simply "jealous" and their feelings are tossed aside. No consideration is given to their feelings being accurate to the situation...the "new" mother could never be putting HER child above them.

I believe that if she is that adamant about having a child, she should have left this relationship a long time ago, and if she's that concerned about "his" feelings and if having a child with him is the right thing to do, then she would know the answer. No one can give her permission to take advantage of someone's love. That moral sin she must commit alone.

If I hear one more person saying they want a family of thier own ,when children are allredy in the mix,I am going to scream.This disgust me.She says she loves these children as her own the goes and says she is longing for a baby of her own is terrible.Its like they dont really count.When you are in a relationship that is serious,and the other has children you have children too!My whole family is made up of begged,borrowed and found kids.That makes us no more or less then the bios of our parents.She needs to be happy with what she has or move on.Forcing this man to have children after he allready made a huge and life altering desision is unfair.To have a vasectomy is not a light desion.It was done for a reson.Grow up and move on.If she came in to this knowing about his choice,shame on her for being so selfish.Marrige is about sacrifice as welll as what we want.Be thankful for the wonderful kids you already have.

To be honest, I'm quite tired of hearing people say things along the lines of "marriage and love is all about sacrifices, and if she loves him, she wouldn't force him to change his mind." Forgive me if I'm missing something, but aren't you all suggesting that she should make a big sacrifice and change the way she planned to live her life, just to please her partner? Unless this all breaks down to "seniority rules" in the end, I can't comprehend why such a negative mentality towards the LW has formed. I'm sure there's some subconscious, psychological reason as to why next to everyone thinks she's the most selfish thing to hit this earth, but I fail to see it. Until someone can articulate why one person's wants and needs supercedes the other's in this relationship, I fail to see any point in stating that the LW is "selfish" and needs to "grow up". In this human world, everyone has needs that must be fulfilled to keep them happy and content. When someone presents a reason as to why she deserves to be less happy than everyone else, in particular her husband, I may begin to agree with you all. But until then, they are both equally selfish - equally human - in the respect that they want what they want in life. This may be the simple musings of a sixteen year old, but I think in the end it won't come down to a change of heart in someone, but who will be less unhappy with the other person's plan of action.

Richards--I couldn't agree more. The LW is not being selfish if one of her life goals is to have a family, and she is probably making a compromise of her own if she agrees to have only one child. If her BF is willing to compromise on having another child, perhaps she is willing to compromise on having only one child of her own (yes, her own). She can love her stepchildren like her own, but it's totally not the same as having a child of your own. Also, usually stepchildren have another parent that they spend a lot of time with. And, the BF's two boys are older and will leave the nest long before the new little one does.

I have to agree that she is no more or less selfish than she is. They are on different paths though and they both need to be mature enough to realize that and let each other go.

I just cringe every time somebody talks about 'compromising' about a child. A compromise literally means nobody is getting what they really want. Which is acceptable when we are talking about dinner plans or what color to paint the living room. It is not acceptable for bringing a child into this world though!! A child deserves nothing less than a family who is completely behind his birth, with no reservations whatsoever. If you can't give a child that and still go ahead and have one, you are a selfish person.