solutions
by Isonomist
06/26/2008, 12:43 PM

Dear DPers,

Iso dreamed last night that this week's Dear Prudie was MUCH FUNNIER. Too bad I can't remember it, but the important thing is, if you're dreaming about Dear Prudence, you're probably spending way, way too much time on the Fray. On the plus side, the sturm und drang here this week has opened my lil eyes up to some deep truths about my own stage in life: no matter how terrible it is, what I'm going through, it's only what I'm going through, and what's really important (are you still with me here?) is that the people who need me, are the ones who are still here. I just don't have the luxury of sitting around feeling miserable, when Jesse's brother has a clingy girlfriend to dump. And Mr. Nomist has a new client to hate on over a nice dinner. And my sister's on the outs with my niece and our brother; and my mom is convinced my niece-in-law has OCD. And we have a nice new week worth of Isolutions.

Dear Prudie,
How do I tell my five year old that my mom was a slut?
signed,
Shameful Product

Dear Daughter of PartyTown
Lighten up. Take the kid to see Mamma Mia. It was an innocent question, not an indictment. What would you tell him if your dad had passed on? "Not everyone has a daddy, but Granpa Jon is like my dad, isn't he." Make the conversation about what a great guy Grandpa is, and leave it at that.
signed,
Iso te absolvo, et mamma tuo.

Dear Prudie,
I am bored, and think of myself as witty. So I made up this stupid story about an unlikely malapropism.
signed,
Not bright enough to realize almost no one uses the term "duplicative" in spoken English.

Dear Insecure About IQ,
The normal way to correct someone's misuse of a word is to reuse the term in a sentence, correctly, during the conversation. That's how people do it to me when I fuck up. They sure don't waste electrons writing to Prudie.
signed,
Iso bet you'll be reassigned soon anyway, if you have this much time on your hands

Dear Prudie,
I want to control how my wonderful friends act.
signed,
Every Minute!

Dear Nagaholic,
They're probably getting texts from their other friends, asking if you've left yet. Maybe you should.

My friends text when we're doing stuff as a group, too. You know why it doesn't bother me? Because we're all doing it. Me, it's usually my son, stepdaughter or husband, or another friend who wants to join us. Them? Similar things. What's the big deal? Get a cell phone and join the human race. Or make a new set of friends, but don't try to tell everyone else in your group what to do.
signed,
Iso go with the flow or don't show

Dear Prudie,

Those big things keep staring down at the floor so dejectedly.
signed,
A bust is a terrible thing to waist

Dear Waist Not,

As a fellow 50 year old, I understand how those love bags can get out of hand. I'm still happy with underwires and a little help from the wonderbra, but there are some hot summer days when that's just, well, too much. So I'll let yall in on my secret: it's called the hidden shelf. You can get them in any price range, from designer rack wranglers, to knocker-sack knockoffs. Granted, if your friend is a size bazoonga, I can't help you. Perhaps one of these?
signed,
Iso love my little friends so much more now

They're probably getting texts from their other friends, asking if you've left yet. Maybe you should.

Lovit!

Fantastic - as usual. When is DP gonna hire you? Oh yeah, you make perfect sense, you're logical, articulate, etc. - I guess they never will.

Youso rock.

Aww, come on.

...And it looks like they named it wrong: for the LW, it should be a Cougarlift, rather than a Pantherlift, huh?

Iso funny. Not.

I keep opening that link and laffin and laffin. Iso need help.

That's a big breakthrough, friend, recognizing that the world is still out there and deciding to get back into it. Trust me on this. Tell your son to hoist them up and have that talk with the girl; he may need a different cell phone number. The rest will all work itself out.

I like the South Park treatment of Eric Cartman's mom as a slut "Like, do I have a dad?" but yours is a lot kinder. Prudie's commentary was unintelligible because it tried to cover too many possibilities (maybe this, maybe that, or maybe some other thing) all at once and went nowhere.

The third letter about a wannabe group leader was amusing. I agree with your analysis, and I bet she has no real friends. Prudie completely missed that point, so her suggestions landed with a thud.

I really like your comments about those "tig ol bitties". I'll bet the LW's "friend" who quit wearing her flopperstoppers and now thinks that group pictures "make her look bad" was once one of those young women who wears a see-through bra and top, walks around all day with her arms crossed, and glares at anyone who notices. In a few more years she'll need a walker with pockets for those girls.

I've used them. Car nut that I am.

He mostly needed me for cheerleading, but you know how that can be at 18. My job is mostly not to let anyone know he talks to his mom when he makes a big decision. ;-)

Bravo! As always, perfect!

I'm deeply and eternally grateful that I favored the non-busty side of the family. Most of my cousins are playing soccer with those things now.... and I still pass the pencil test.

Isonomist:

He mostly needed me for cheerleading, but you know how that can be at 18. My job is mostly not to let anyone know he talks to his mom when he makes a big decision. ;-)

You did a good thing there. With a little luck he can be persuaded to go out and look for an equal.

i remember asking my mom when I was about 12 whether I would have a big bustline. She said it could be anything because her mom was an A, she was only a B after 2 kids, and my other grandmother and aunt are both D's. Well, when I didn;t follow her genes, and could hold a pencil by the time I was 15, she taught me to measure and find a good fitting bra and to dress in a way that respects my figure. Fast forward a bit here and she's enjoying my pregnancy-induced bra size increase too much - it's quite funny to her, who never had to worry about her cups running over! I'm sure they'll end up sagging, no matter how careful I am with bras.

...get those babies hoisted. I have a friend that has a tiny frame that used to be an F cup. She went down to a C and never looked back.

Sounds like you've made a major step forward. Loved the link to the heavy-duty support.