Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my kids, who are beginning to figure out that I am a bastard child.

You see, when she was young, my mum made a pact with 16 other girls to get knocked up and raise the kids together, and I am the result of her being statutorily raped by a wetback priest who was subsequently relocated by the archdiocese of Boston.

Anyway, how can I gain the upper hand in this situation, bend them to my will, and explain to my kids their "sons of a bastard" situation?

Signed, "No way, Jose"

Dear Jose -

Whilst some may doubt the veracity of your letter, priests are not completely perfect, and and occasionally they will slip, and let a heterosexual hot-blooded Latino child-screwing Suave slip into their gayboy ranks - heck, when two thirds of US Catholic Bishops ADMIT to hiding sexually abusive priests (which number in excess of 4 thousand at last count), a few Straight priests are bound to have sneaked in across the Rio Grande.

That is why the Bibo Sez the Pope is the Beast: The beast which I saw was like a leopard, and his feet were like those of a bear, and his mouth like the mouth of a lion. The dragon gave him his power, his throne, and great authority (Revelations 13:2).

Anyway, as wonderful as it is that you and your friends are being fruitful, and multiplying, and even though it will upset them to hear of the curse, it is critical that you tell your kids RIGHT AWAY that you are a bastard, because the Bibo Sez that A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the LORD...the LORD thy God turned the curse into a blessing unto thee, because the LORD thy God loved thee. Thou shalt not seek their peace nor their prosperity all thy days for ever (Deuteronomy 23:2-6).

Rest assured, though, that even though the rest of you and your clan are all going to eternal hellfire, I will be HAPPY to welcome your great-great-great-great-great-­great-great-great grandchildren back into the congregation of the Lord!

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my educated, intelligent, wonderful-to-work-for boss.

You see, try as he might, he always mispronounces the word "duplicative" (meaning, "redundant") as "duplicitous" (meaning, "maliciously lying").

How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, and bend him to my will?

Signed, Duped

Dear Duped -

The Bibo Sez that, through the healing love of our Lord Jebus, when someone mispronounces a word, then he must be slaughtered without mercy - consider this passage: then said they to him, "Now say 'Shibboleth;'" and he said "Sibboleth;" for he couldn't manage to pronounce it right: then they laid hold of him, and killed him at the fords of the Jordan. At that time, forty-two thousand of Ephraim fell (Judges 12:6).

So the next time your boss sins in this fashion, draw out your sword, slay him where he stands, and explain to the authorities that you were just doing what the Bibo Sez.

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - my best friends, who are some of the best friends I could ever ask for, but they have one habit that absolutely drives me up the wall - they send text messages incessantly!

How can I gain the upper hand in this situation, and bend them to my will?

Signed, I'm Texting this epistle to you even now!

Dear Tex -

This is such an easy one - when are you bastards EVER going to start reading what the Bibo Sez for yourselves.

I mean, SERIOUSLY people, none of you goddamn idiots seem to have any frakking clue what the Bibo Sez - I want to despair about your poverty of learning, but, of course, despair is forbidden by what the Bibo Sez: We are pressed on every side, yet not crushed; perplexed, yet not to despair (2 Corinthians 4:8).

Sigh.

OK, although you must feel a lot like the Bibo Sez Jebus did when: Then His friends all forsook Him and fled. (Mark 14:50), there is an easy way to get them to stop texting - just ask them.

You see, the Bibo Sez that You are my friends, if you do whatever I command you (John 15:14).

If they refuse to obey you, then get rid of them - the Bibo Sez "'I tell you that you are no friends of mine. Begone from me, all of you, wrongdoers that you are' (Luke 13:27).

Jebus Christ, it is all so simple.

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

***

Dear Bibo -

I'm having trouble controlling the behavior of someone - one of my dearest friends, a teacher lady named Ms Chokesondik, in her mid-fifties, is a Feminazi who has recently given up wearing a bra.

Her rock-in-a-sock boobies are hanging out all over the damn place, and are the cause of endless titillations (and quite a bit of projectile vomiting).

Men in particular seem to be having a hard time handling her sweater meat, and as much as I try to be a sexy cougar, this flopping bitch is cunt-blocking my best efforts at scoring some young studly action.

How can I gain the upper hands in this situation, and bend those teats that gave suck to so many to my will?

I mean, I needs me some Chippendales!

Signed, Genevieve Van Cleavage

Dear Genny -

I agree that old Paps like hers win no Blue Ribbons - of craggy old wenches, the Bibo Sez Even the sea monsters draw out the breast, they give suck to their young ones: the daughter of my people is become cruel, like the ostriches in the wilderness. (Lamentations 4:3)

While it is true that the Bibo Sez: 'Blessed are the barren, the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed' (Luke 23:29), even at your age there is a way for you to use what God gave ya so attract a large number of male followers:

A vast crowd of the people also followed Him, and of women who were beating their breasts and wailing for Him (Luke 23:27).

So slap those titties around a bit, make some noise, and the boys will come running.

Now, you might want to purchase a Holy Brassiere for her - look for one like the Bibo Sez the angels wear: The seven angels who had the seven plagues came out, clothed with pure, bright linen, and wearing golden sashes around their breasts. (Revelations 15:6)

Hopefully, you'll be able to nipple that in the bud.

And THAT is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you, and AMEN!

Hello August,

Wise words as always, and thank you. Still, I fear for those of Ephraim: while this lovely lakeside town boasts only 353 people (Ephraim, WI, 2000 data) , it would be very sad that they all fall due to the carelessness of a single man who cannot gather up his gramatical understanding of a word correctly.

Sad as that is, if the Bibo Sez, then so mote it be, but I wonder: after finishing off the heathen misuser of language, need the LW smite all the villiagers of Ephraim herself? She could get a furious blister on her sword hand. If so, is she then committed to smite an additional 41,647 souls from elsewhere, or are those few souls of Ephraim enough?

i already knew the bibo was going to have the lady or her adultress mother stoned to death, but anticipation only makes seeing it in print better.

but the bibo should have something more relevant to cell phones and texting, shouldn't it? suppose the texter was bearing false witness? or texting on the sabbath? or sending messages to an apostate?

stone them all to death

Hey, Mr. 'Cat -

From personal experience, I can tell you that, at most, a man can, with a sword, kill a maximum of 415 people per day - and by the end of that day, his arm will be so sore that he will still be feeling it a week later.

So, whilst one could dispatch the entire population of Ephraim WI in a day, it would take another 101 person-days, at least, to butcher the other 41,647 - not counting recovery time.

Not a small task at all, which is why correct pronunciation is SO important.

Bless you!

I must confess my sinfulness - I was SO HUNGRY to go after the tasteless boobs of LW#4 that I gave short shrift to LW#3.

Indeed, Balty, I considered likening the two halves of a hinged cellphone to "Urim & Thummim" ("Light" and "Perfection/Truth"), the two mystical seer-stones used by the priesthood to give council and direction to the Israelis, but in my iniquity I was in a hurry, and failed to quite "close the book" on what would have been a totally bizarre, occult, creepy, and therefore, delicious Bibo Sez - these stones were later used by Joseph Smith to write the Pamphlet of Mormon.

I also considered using John 1:1 - In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. - to upbraid the text messengers for trying to "play God" by "playing with the Words", but again, in my haste, I couldn't quite make this work.

My bad.

Anyways, references to the seer-stones can be found in Exodus 28:30; Deuteronomy 33:8; Judges 1:1; 20:18; 1st Samuel 14:3,18; 23:9; and 2nd Samuel 21:1.

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

I see that all of your ratings are positive this week. Even I could not find it in my heart to persecute you.

I'll live in hope that soon, someone will start to hate this edition of The Bibo Sez.

Thank you, dearest Messy - when it comes to the blessed minus persecutions, I remain prayerful that the Lord will provide.

And Bless You!

They are also mentioned in Numbers 27: 21, 1 Samuel 28: 6, and Ezra 2: 63.

They are not mentioned in Judges 1: 1, Judges 20: 18, 1 Samuel 14: 3 or 18, 1 Samuel 23: 9, nor are they in 2 Samuel 21: 1.

Just thought I would mention it, for accuracies sake.

Sorry. I will say that these scriptures do seem to allude to the Seer stones, but they make no direct reference. With this allusion I would also include Revelation 2: 17.

I am not going to truly persecute your post. I am simply going to congratulate you on the fantastic way in which you have twisted the Scriptures, misinterpreted them, and generally took them out of context. It was masterfully done, and just shows that no mortal person could ever find the truth by simply reading the Bible. (While readingt it is neccessary there are many other things that must go along with it.)

Again, congratulations.

My Dear Mr. 'Twater:

For the sake of accuracy, as you say -

twisted Scriptures? All I do is quote what the Bibo Sez straight away, just like Jebus wrote it.

So what the Bibo Sez is straight, not twisted.

misinterpreted Scriptures? Again I say, all I do is quote what the Bibo Sez, and with the barest minimum of interpretation - most often, I suggest no interpretation other than the plain, pure, Godly and Uplifting Message of what the Bibo Sez.

A demon might not enjoy having God rub dung on his face (Malachi 2:3), but a believer bathes in the joy of the Love of what the Bibo Sez, free from agenda-driven "interpretations" that you so crave.

taken out of context? Ah, the meaningless, unproven, catch-all complaint of all those sinners who love their sins and hate what the Bibo Sez.

May you find the courage to abandon your sins and cleave to what the Bibo Sez, or, through God's Love, burn forever in eternal torment.

Bless you, and AMEN!

I do hope you are joking.

Whether I'm joking, or not, is not really the point, now, is it?

I mean, what should only matter is whether or not one loves what the Bibo Sez:

Vanity of vanities...all is vanity. What profit hath a man of all his labor which he taketh under the sun? (Ecclesiastes 1:2-3)

I do hope your eternal soul finds forgiveness in what the Bibo Sez.

And that is what the Bibo Sez.

Bless you!

I'll stick with the Bible, and other scriptures.