I am under a month away from two special occasions, a birthday when I will be six years past the half century mark, and the day after that, on which I will have twenty one years sobriety. That is nearly twenty one years longer than I expected to live back in 1987 .Thank you, thank you. The goal today is not to die or take a drink before the crucial days in July; in any event, I've already been to rehab, at the Betty Ford Center in fact, in Rancho Mirage, California, in the Palm Springs area. What I love the facts of my sobriety date is that I can honestly say that "I went to the desert to dry out in town called Rancho Mirage", amusing myself with the low irony of mashing the cliche of alkies "drying out", the desert being the driest clime one might choose to live in, and that the town name summarized what I felt July 16, 1987, the day after my thirty fifth birthday, the feeling that what was happening to me was unreal, unprecedented, consciousness expanding,in its own way.

What I knew at the time was that I couldn't stop drinking nor stop the wreckage my worst habit created, and that the first night in treatment was also the first time in a decade that my head hit a pillow without having a pint of vodka to ease my into rough slumber. Anyway, all this musing over what it was like , what happened and what it's like now through the last week prompted this poem tonight; I've also been reading Berrigan, O'Hara and Padgett lately, some of each shows up here. At the near age of fifty six and with nearly twenty one years sober, I trust something of my own style seeps through the influence.

it means go, brother

as it goes
this year
this month

i am 3 sheets shy
of a coastline to
walk upon

just coasting
on old bed frames
anticipating Spring

and Summer
close behind
another year older

in every cents of the word

5 years past the half dollar mark
20 and change since
a drink or the handcuffs
that came with them

i go to work
i pay my bills
no one crosses the street
or leave their tables in diners
and cafes where
the gossip
is about celebrities
and not what i did
or didn't do
on last decade
this month

it's all money no one sees
axis that keeps the spheres on their paths
though one cannot
see a cog or gear
for all the lavish metaphors

sometimes it's enough
to lay on the mattress
and stare at the ceiling
after i tire of visiting my problems

you call me
you call me
the phone rings and it's you

talking the same old lines of how-do-you -do

and
did you read those
books i lent you?

it's 3 clean sheets
that hang on the line,
the same phone number
for 10 years since moving day

it rained last night
a mist wraps around the homes on the hill
beautiful traffic rushes forth
through the fog and green lights,

it means go, brother, go!

Some folks say one still hasn't achieved one's "sobriety" if one smokes pot after one puts the plug in the jug. Myself, I lean to the opposite side of the issue. I had some friends object back in the early 80's when I picked up my 60 day coin. I figure a guy gives up booze, he's sober. How do you feel about that? I quit Jauary '82 the day I checked into Riverton Hospital in south west Seattle. Hardly a Betty Ford. 30 days for 4,500 dollars it was back then. I thought it was a crock. A money tree. 150 a day, highway robbery! Heck, I visit my own doctor for a few minutes and its 185 now days. heh heh heh.

Yep, I started back up in July of '04. No reason. Had me a wooden nickel token for a last round I couldn't drink one night that someone paid for. I threw it in my tool box where it languished for about five years. Sitting in my living rom, I remembered the token outta the blue, went and took it to the local bar and got me a Wild Turkey neat. Two years later I quit again. and a couple years after that I got saved. I don't fear the stuff like I had to for a while, there, before Jesus. I can even be around drinkers although drunks bore me to tears and I always cut that time short. I've even toasted with special people on occaision without returning to the trough.

Jesus will make it easy for you. Oh, a poem for you:

"Roses are Red Violets are blue

It's been Five days

all in a haze

Just what the heck did I do?"

Keep the plug in the jug!

Dd

Thanks for the poem, p. I agree with those who regard someone who smokes pot as not being sober, not in the sense those of ;us in 12 step groups mean it. Drugs and alcohol have to be abstained from if the drunks is to get their life back together; the general thinking is that if one develops an addiction to alcohol , they've also developed an addiction to all other mood altering chemicals, since all effect the same brain chemistry. Once one crosses the line, there are no alternative ways of copping a buzz, there is no reset button. The best book on the subject of alcoholism I've read is Under the Influence by James Milam, a very readable survey that considers the condition from the medical perspective, and it considers treatment modalities.

Before I was Christian the Spiritual AA meetings were the most helpful to me. And I always wanted to drink. After Christ, I could care less and I will have a drink if I want to, which is rarely. I wouldn't advise another Christian X-drunk to try a dram, though.

Thanks for the input.

Dd

Heh heh heh. I think your quitting drinking was a mistake.

Dd

predicto:

Heh heh heh. I think your quitting drinking was a mistake.

Dd

Mistake for who? Before I sobered up, I was a menace to myself and others and wouldn't have lived into the nineties.I was unemployable, constantly in debt, I was a liar , cheat, a thief, I was a pathetic , sick jerk people couldn't stand being around. After I sobered up, the steps of AA put me in touch with a God I could do business with; the desire to drink was lifted, I made my amends over a number of years, and since that day in July, 1987, I've been a sane, dependable and participating member of the community in which I live. Not a mistake, but the best decision I ever made.