Ok, we're having dinner guests tonight, but I've already done the cleaning frenzy and I'm just itching to get at these letters...Bwahahahaha! The idiot quotient just gets better and better.

1. So, some broad that only CLAIMS she had a fling with your husband actually got the nerve to harass you about it? Did she offer any proof? Love letters? Phone messages? Soiled undergarments? Half-eaten chocolate bars that match your husband's teeth? I didn't think so.

Lest she become a stalker and therefore a problem, keep all of her letters in a safe place in case you need them in court later.

Other than that, if she actually gets you on the phone or face to face, tell her to:

SHADDAP!

Geez! What a snot! It's tempting to fetch her a solid smack to the side of the head, isn't it?

Let's look at this logically(ish). This is SHADDAP, after all.

1. If your husband really HAD had a fling with her, do you think either one of you would have been in contact with her after that? No way. Hell, no! No man is stupid enough let a fling chickie hang around his wife and family after the party's over. (All right. Some of them might be that stupid. But they aren't married any more, are they? Probably not.)

2. She claims SHE broke it off when she realized he was married...more bullshit, I fear. See, if he really had been willing to stray to the point where he would have left you, then he would have left you in the end anyway, even if she HAD dumped him.

Does that make sense?

3. He called her a "needy, confused person". Let's review. What has she been doing? Gee, writing letters, trying to contact you, "confessing", asking for your forgiveness..... Wow, sounds just like a "needy, confused person" to me!

Every time she tries to communicate with you, she's proving your husband's point - she's desperate for attention and she doesn't care if it's positive or negative.

You can dismiss this jackass from your thoughts. She's decided that since your husband isn't around to counter her lies, she can indulge in all kinds of drama at your expense. You can use that exact explanation to anyone she tells the story to, as well. It has the benefit of being the truth.

My guess is that she constructed some sort of elaborate fantasy about your husband and this is her childish way of "getting back" at both of you for stopping it in its tracks 25 years ago. She is not a well woman, and not worth your time.

2. Hoo, boy! Another "great guy, but..." letters. Are you seriously considering marrying this pig?

SHADDAP!

Let's get real here. He spews food all over the house like a baby on its first solid food. Not only that, he does it ON PURPOSE, because there's no way he does this by accident - not after you've talked to him about it. He knows that what he does is not normal. He knows that other people don't do this. Then he gets defensive.....

Right. Here's what he's telling you:

"I'm going to do whatever I want to for the rest of our lives together and I don't give a rat's ass what you have to say about it."

That's all there is to it. He's letting you know that he has no respect for you or what you think. He's also letting you know that that is never going to change, no matter what you say or do. You don't matter to him.

The only person that matters in his world is himself, and like a giant baby, he'll scream forever to get what he wants. The fact that you've been willing to go along with it is gravy as far as he's concerned - he won't have to train anyone else to take his crap.

Think that's harsh? Try this.

You've written this letter after tolerating his vileness for most of your life. The wedding is getting closer and closer and you're starting to wonder if this is really what you want.

After all, you've known this jerk all your life. You've probably never dated anyone else. You've certainly never had sex with anyone else. Your families have probably been for this from the beginning. No doubt both sets of parents and grandparents are patting themselves on the back because they "knew all along" that this was going to be "the perfect match.

Here's what you need to do. Tell him one more time that you aren't willing to watch him eat like this for the rest of your life. Tell him that you don't want see him for awhile. Then let him think it over.

After a month, do your own evaluation. Are YOU happier without this? Are YOU more relaxed? Are YOU finally having some fun without having to apologize for another adult's behavior whenever you go out?

If you answer yes to any of those questions, then give him back his ring and move on. You deserve better, no matter what anyone else says.

3. Aren't people a bunch of idiots sometimes? What the hell does anyone know about what your mother put you through? Tell them all to

SHADDAP!

You owe NO ONE an explanation. Period. This is your decision and it's a very sensible one. After all, you'd have to be a complete idiot to expose any child to a nut case like your mother, let alone your own.

Abusers don't change. I know some people will claim they can, but they don't. After the way your mother treated you, you owe her nothing. People also like to claim that "family should always stay together", and that you somehow need to keep a relationship with her. You don't. In fact, your response is far more healthy than anything these twits are suggesting.

I know you need something to say, however, so try these:

"I'm not in contact with her."

"She isn't someone I want around my child."

To those that insist, tell them flat out that it isn't open for discussion and you'd appreciate it if they let it go. If they don't, then don't take their calls - clearly they don't have your best interests in mind.

4. Oohh... What is it about going to college that turns otherwise sensible young adults into prissy, priggish, snotty, self-righteous, obnoxious dolts?

SHADDAP!

Listen kid. The people who send you money in the form of gift cards are trying to be NICE to you. They know that you're likely short on money, and they're trying to make that easier for you. In fact, they may be sending you gift cards instead of cash because they know that you'll use cash to go drinking or something equally stupid and wasteful.

Who knows? Maybe they just think you dress badly and you could use a couple of nice outfits?

You need to handle this tactfully. I know that's an alien concept to you right now, and that shouting in an elderly relative's face is your preferred mode of communication, but tough cookies, kid.

Thank them profusely for thinking of you. Tell them that their generosity is very much appreciated. Ask if they would consider getting a gift card from a store that you prefer, for the sake of practicality, or whatever excuse you can think of. Even if you say "Gee, I really like Patagonia's winter clothes", that would be as far as you can go.

Of course, if you do decide to spew out a lecture on how unenlightened they are and how they're nothing more than cogs in the exploitive capitalist machine, then you won't have this problem any more. You won't be getting any gifts, but I guess that's better than being polite, right?

Hey MessyOne 3:58 pm,

Not in agreement with all your advice, but love your style. LMAO several times.

Could not yet find thread you referred to on advice to daughter of abusive mom, which was my identical experience. Too simplistic Messy to tell her to just move on. Not so easy. My mom is almost 80, haven't seen her in five years. I need to make the trip, so when I place her mortal remains in the ground, I can send her with some grace.

Prudie's advice is consistently cut and dry like your own. However, abused whimps, such as myself, just can't drop it all so easily. Crucifixion is more our style. If you catch my drift.

Always turning the other cheek, godammit.

Another great job. So many people out there should just STFU instead of sharing their pathetic lilittle disappointments with other people. Still, even those clowns aren't as awful as the ones who insist on foisting bad advice on other people who should know better.

I am thinking particularly about last week's crew who insisted their feelings entitle them to ignore any and all etiquette rules that would interfere with their life-long tantrum about dad leaving mom.

Then there are this week's people who want their adultery to be everyone else's fault. At least last week's bad dad left mom and married "the whore" instead of cheating with her for another thirty years. Would mommie's widdle kiddies wike dat better? Huh? What do you say, idiots?

I had a brief flash of a Prudie parody based on an old joke. The punch line was "ya dumb SOB". It would probably be too much like "SHADDAP" since a brief description of the LW's whiny little situation would be followed by "Listen, ya dumb SOB....." and then a somewhat reasonable answer - or maybe just outright derision.

Oh, a minor point. A female ass (donkey, burro, etc) is a jenny. A jackass is that prodigiously masculine, long-eared, braying caricature of a farm animal that you breed with a mare to produce a mule. A jenny mated to a stallion produces a hinny, for what that's worth.

Your mother is mentally ill, and it's not your fault. If you can't move on, you need to limit the amount of new trauma that you will accept. You can remind yourself, or find somone to remind you, that your survival and emotional health are at stake. If you can think of it in baby steps, moving away from the abuser is almost always a good thing. You can use caller ID and a shredder to limit their ability to prey on your natural loyalty and basic kindness, and mess with you.

Have a talk with Mermaid33. She's made the break from the past that you need to make.

What can you do? I ended my father's reign of physical abuse by making a sincere attempt at murder. I failed, but he never went there again. As for dear old Mom...let's just say she was an indifferent spectator who tried to make it all my fault and leave it at that.

Many people don't understand that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

You don't get over the abuse, you learn to live with it, which is one of the hardest things there is to manage.

Do try not to wait as long as I did to get that part right.

Always so sweet and generous...

Darling, do you suppose the folks at Slate invent these just for us? I mean, they could be the typical back-page reading for the casual reader looking to increase their knowledge of, say, wine tasting or Hillary's deathwatch, but I fear the recycling of letters is becoming more and more difficult to stomach. There's so many commonalities, it's getting actually boring:

The "I just found out my recently deceased (brother, sister, wife, husband, band teacher) did X with Y or Z and I don't know what to do..." genre is frequently a heartbreaker, typically employing a sappy zinger like the 40 year anniversary or unfinished business.

The "great guy/girl, but..." letters have been a staple of self-help for ages. These of late are crafted like predigested 1970's Women's Day and Reader's Digest crap-o-la, but instead of "falls asleep in church" it's "bites the heads off chickens during church" for more zesty reading.

The famlily member whole family members can't stand his or her behavior - or voice versa - ALWAYS a great topic of discussion among the masses, given everyone has a different (and frequently militant - makes for great debates) view if what "family" is and isn't.

The pathetically indignant and angry save-the-planet youth, self absorbed in the zietgiest of pop culture, faddish cure-alls for everything from global warming to whale hunting as it pertains to daily office life and, in this case, sweatshop labor as it pertains to fucking T-shirts. It would be politically incorrect to leave these out, of course.

Eight (or nine) out of ten letters can garner one of two responses:
- One, you're an IDIOT, and quit behaving this way, you idiot!
- Two: you're and IDIOT, and quit tolerating other's behaving that way, you idiot!

And the other two (one) out of ten that somehow defy stereotyping and read like reality are chronically infantile, overly flourished, or just plain fucking asinine.

I think I come here to read you more than anything. The mental unload that occurs during my snarky little rant-lets is beginning to resemble (sub)intellectual masturbation.

I need to restate: I come here to read you...Auguest, Baltimore, Physics, Tonto, Vet, Yggy, Fitz, Haiku, 'Neato, Iso, Quiet, Mermaid, DumbBlonde, and everyone else

I am going to write a DP letter soon. It'll be mundane, but I'll identify it. We'll see. Weeeeeeee'll seeeeeeee...

Cheers, my sweet, and enjoy your festivities and supper this eve. I shall dine on leftovers and beer. I am pleased.

Thamar:

My mom is almost 80, haven't seen her in five years. I need to make the trip, so when I place her mortal remains in the ground, I can send her with some grace.

You need to do what you think is best for your situation. However, consider this. My father medically should have died before I was born. That was nearly 50 years ago. He's slowed a bit over the years, but probably will be around a few more years yet. He's in his 90's now. In some areas, he's actually healthier than he was a few years ago.

They don't say "only the good die young" just to eulogize dead young people, you know.

schuylercat:

Eight (or nine) out of ten letters can garner one of two responses:
- One, you're an IDIOT, and quit behaving this way, you idiot!
- Two: you're and IDIOT, and quit tolerating other's behaving that way, you idiot!

And the other two (one) out of ten that somehow defy stereotyping and read like reality are chronically infantile, overly flourished, or just plain fucking asinine.

...

I am going to write a DP letter soon. It'll be mundane, but I'll identify it. We'll see. Weeeeeeee'll seeeeeeee...

Which of the 3 will yours be?

Apparently, you are just more highly evolved than some of us.

<link>

Some guy told me he didn't want to go out with me any more because I was too sarcastic. I said, "Oh, really? Is that right?"

To make a true break from an abusive parent, one should remember this:

MessyONE:

Many people don't understand that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

When I figured out that my mother wasn't worth either my love or my hate, then I knew I was truly free. You don't have to learn to live with abuse; I didn't invite it and I sure as hell ain't asking it to stay!

Sweet work especially on LW3. Good to see you placing the Shaddup where a Shaddup is due (oh I know they mean well, asking about mom and everything, but do they really have to blanch and look so sullied when you tell them the truth?) I couldn't fathom how you were going to Shaddup that poor kid.

Not that I toss and turn at night in anticipation of your posts or anything...

So abusers don't change, but what about self-abusers ? Well, anyway, you would get on well with me, Messy, luv. Noisy mastication is the one thing i've never been accused of. Hush, hush *wink* *wink*  : )

...you say the nicest things! It seems both of our reputations for snark are going down the tubes...but how does one get snarly with a poor widder-woman?

Dinner was brilliant. As always (it seems) in the Messy household, dinner started at 7:00, and we were still at the table at midnight, having killed four bottles of wine, a large chunk of lamb, the spoils of a trip to the farmer's market, and large bowls of strawberries with creme fraiche. We ran out of strawberries.

As a bonus, the cleaning frenzy I had in the afternoon means the house will gleam for weeks to come. (It all started with noticing a schmutz on a light switch. I started roaming the house with a roll of paper towels and a bottle of Windex. Before I knew it, I had washed the exterior doors, wiped down every surface in the house and even vacuumed the cats!)

It is indeed a fun crowd around here...but you should check out Human Nature. FILO, our humorless conservative twinkie was merrily gay-bashing and howling with glee at the mere thought that gayness might be "curable" in utero. It was hilarious.

Glad to hear there's an evolutionary purpose for foot-in-mouth disease...I'm always tempted to be the most sarcastic with people that I know for a fact either won't get it or will take it as a compliment. Oh, my evil mind!

SHADDAP!

Love your deconstruction of LW 1's thorn in the side.