Spitting food out, not onto your plate, but onto the food in the communal dish, is way out of the realm of improper table manners.

Did no one in the group say, "Ew, gross, man- we can't eat that now"? Because someone should have, and he should have immediately apologized and offered to make amends somehow.

If he didn't do that, and if his eating behavior really is the way you are describing it, and if you really did say something politely to him about it and he really reacted as quoted, the guy has some serious social issues that need to be addressed.

And why haven't they been addressed? Did he shovel his whole plate of spaghetti down in one go on your first date?

If his behavior is that bad, then you shouldn't be alone in addressing it either; his friends and family should, at some point, say,

"You know, I'd really appreciate it if you made an effort to swallow in between bites. The half-chewed food falling out of your mouth when you reopen seems to be a bit of a waste."

If he really reacts so childishly, you need to get out of dodge. relationships need compromise and partner feedback.

I'm amazed this guy still has friends. How did the relationship get this far to begin with?

I very much agree about his reaction to criticism being a bigger concern.

he, understandably, gets defensive, feels hurt,

It might be understandable, but so what? That he would rather continue to do a cave-man routine at the dinner table than have his bad manners pointed out is selfish. In the big picture, why does she think defensibility is ok? It's one thing if you are unjustly accused of something, but if you actually have done something, and someone calls you on it, defensiveness is the sign of a bad case of denial, a manipulator, or child.

Working thru someone's denial can be hard, but sometimes worth it, but if you are dealing with a manipulator it's a whole different story, he'll get aggresively defensive everytime you try to point out a hurtful behaviour.

Sometimes our SO's do things that are hurtful, and you should feel comfortable enough to discuss those things, without having to deal with the other person's tantrum over you thinking that something they do is less than amazing.

and (he) says something like, "I'm sorry I disgust you so much."

My reply, and I've been through this very thing, is "Don't be sorry, just stop eating like a pig."

Also, I have a feeling that sending this guy to a table-manners tutor will lead to disaster.

zieglinda:

I'm amazed this guy still has friends. How did the relationship get this far to begin with?

Perhaps the LW is blowing things out of proportions. I, too, would be completely amazed if someone the LW discribed had friends, but then I would be amazed if that LW is his fiance, I know of no woman who would date a man like the one discribed. Unless, the guy is not as bad as the LW says but the LW is finding every little thing he does annoying as hell and has decided to blow a small trait out of proportion. Perhaps they just moved into together and are irritating the hell out of each other.

MistPanther:

Perhaps the LW is blowing things out of proportions. I, too, would be completely amazed if someone the LW discribed had friends, but then I would be amazed if that LW is his fiance, I know of no woman who would date a man like the one discribed. Unless, the guy is not as bad as the LW says but the LW is finding every little thing he does annoying as hell and has decided to blow a small trait out of proportion. Perhaps they just moved into together and are irritating the hell out of each other.

I think I may have just found the first reasonable comment on this letter.

I wouldn't be amazed at all. I have seen way too many people willing to accept disgusting behavior in their SO -- I think they all have low self esteem or low expectations due to the parental example.

For example, I knew this guy in college. Disgusting person. He would stand in front of you, pick his nose, look at the booger and eat it. If he didn't find it appetizing, he'd wipe it on his jeans. Believe it or not, he had a girlfriend and quite a few friends. I never understood it and frankly, just typing this is making me gag a little as I remember a few of his escapades, but in truth he was not the social pariah you'd expect.

There are always people willing to accept the unacceptable.

Camicar:

He would stand in front of you, pick his nose, look at the booger and eat it. If he didn't find it appetizing, he'd wipe it on his jeans.

This is why I never dated guys I'd known all my life. Even if they didn't still do it, I could still picture them doing it in 4th grade during a spelling test, or something equally as bad out on the playground.

Khaki:

My reply, and I've been through this very thing, is "Don't be sorry, just stop eating like a pig."

Another good reply is, "Don't be such a fucking baby, and quit trying to guilt-trip me."

rapple37:

I think I may have just found the first reasonable comment on this letter.

Next week: He snorts when he laughs!

taser

Cattle prod.