I am married to the most wonderful man in the world (seriously) and he has horrible table manners. He has never spit on a communal dish, but he does stuff his mouth full with one cheek bulging, and then talks with his mouth full and gulps down quantities of water or beer on top of all the food. He also holds his fork with his fist, licks his knife and does other strange and unsavory things. He is not consistently outrageous, and his siblings seem to eat without any objectionable practices.

I have talked to him about it and he does get defensive or laughs and asks me who makes all these decisions about right and wrong in how people eat. He is an ethics professor and considers the entire subject silly. He thinks I am unduly fastidious. Since he has a PhD and I do not, he is not in the habit of taking advice from me. He has tenure, so I don't think it ever impacted his career, but you never know about those things.

He did not object to my instructions to the kids to eat politely and since I only notice his manners occasionally, I can't be really objective about it. I just do not believe that he is doing it on purpose to annoy me, or that his lack of interest in it is in anyway hostile. He really is the typical absent minded professor, and I think that is the real explanation.

Not worth fighting about in my opinion.

You are fortunate to be marred to such a paragon albeit with disgusting table manners. However, the person who thoughtlessly shares his masticulated food, hunches over his plate with his elbow and forearm on the table and needlessly comandeers the table with his unique eating style is usually the same Ph.D in Silicon Valley who is the poor communicator, who does not want to share his business or researach information in a timely manner or who does not bother to look one in the eye when saying yes, please or no, thank you. It has been my experience that "manners" is a collective term that bespeaks personal consideration and good business practices. I've spent too many years in an infamous ivory tower that spits out Ph.Ds the world anxiously awaits. They are generally poor comunicators, selfish and rude - and some of them are tenured professors, and my response is still, yuck. It sounds suspiciously that yours may have done a snow job on you - being all so superior.

Nope, after 20 years I can say without reservation that there is no snow job, no person who does not care about others, but rather someone who spends every Sunday visiting the lonely at the local convalescent home, gives more than 10% of his net income to organizations he knows really help the poor because he has spent time with them, always has time for any student who needs help, spends time with the foreign students we have living with us so they can learn English as well as possible, would do all the housework if I did not protest and do part of it myself, never asks me to do anything that would insult my individuality or status as an adult, and never, never has given me cause to doubt his fidelity to me and our family.

As I said, table manners pale in comparison to all that.

If the person you are talking about cared that much about the world around him, then he would care enough not to disgust everyone when he ate.

....then the man the LW describes. Taking a bite out of a party pizza and then spitting it on the pizza, for the rest of the folks is really not a matter of table manners but a sign of insanity. that kid has arrested development and a peanutsized brain, at best. at worst, a criminal mind that is incapable of breaking the revolutions about me me me me me me me me me. that woman should spit in his face, say, guess what?, you're fuckin fired, and walk out. of course, they'd most likely end up on the COPS show, or Jerry Springer.

your husband however is just a type of man that's normal. if it doesn't inhibit your sex drive towards him, then dont worry about it. you like the construction type of guy. a lot of women do, and would be turned off by a gentleman. different strokes.....

"Since he has a PhD and I do not, he is not in the habit of taking advice from me."

Sounds like a winner.

funny

You're lucky. Near the end of a meal, my wife is in the habit of tipping her trifle into her panties.

Xtine, I'm inclined to agree with you. Everyone has their foibles, and I don't like to be in the business of remaking people. You can tell him that whether he agrees with it or not, the way he eats is off-putting. If he still does it, let him. No big deal.

I do, however, want to push you a little on the comment about him not taking your advice because he has a PhD and you don't. Well, I have a PhD and I can take lots of advice from people without one. Also, my husband is in philosophy and I know how those types can get... :) You might remind him that his PhD isn't in table manners, and that both partners in a marriage should be equal. If he can't consider you his equal, it wasn't very ethical of him to marry you, was it?

How important is it? Well in your case it's settled, yes? But, how important would be in LW's case or mine?

Let's see, two or three meals a day wondering why he can't eat like a person would eventually make me lose respect for him. How important is it that I think I can feel my girl parts shutting down at the thought of it? So, now I've got a kind, intelligent wonderful in every other way husband I don't care to share my meals or my bed with. Unimportant? You beach front, candle lit, anniversary dinner in Puerto Vallarta? Unimportant, you'll just block out the unapproving looks of the service team? And every other service team? Ever?

How important will it be one year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, that I'm embarrassed to have company over or go out with them to a restaurant? How important will it be that my children have him as a role model? How important that they will be embarrassed to have their friends over to visit?

How important is it that no client, boss, customer or business associate will see this as remotely appropriate?

How important, that something that is a baby level milestone in social development is stalled and will alienate a guy's wife, his friends, his kids and his boss?

How important that this guy is completely and wilfully unconscious of regular basic socialization? Is it easier to go down this path that to just grow up? This goes a lot deeper than his eating style.

How important are they? Well, it would be a deal breaker for me.

There is no way I could contemplate a romantic relationship with someone whose table manners make me gag. Gagging is not conducive to romance or sexual attraction.

There is also no way I would hire someone whose table manners were bad. It reflects upon the company -- poorly -- to have employees who appear uneducated and unmannerly. And frankly, I don't want my other employees to then spend time complaining about the guy and avoiding the lunchroom.

But I can also tell you that I have a much lower tolerance for cretinous behavior of all kinds -- because I would NEVER be interested in a guy who told me that his PhD absolved him of the need or desire to listen to me. Apparently he's shoveling poop as well as his food.

You've made the identical post three times now. Two were top posts.

Who are you trying to convince here?

Why is it that when people disagree with you, you don't answer them?

Are you afraid that you can't come up with a good response?

Is it because you really don't want to think about this much?

I think that if you object to his eating habits and he refuses to listen to you, then he has no real respect for your wishes. That being the case, he is far from "wonderful".

bad table manners like your husbands or the LW's boyfriend would be a deal breaker to me too.

the other deal breaker for me? receiving the kind of snobbish disrespect your husband has piled on you because "he has a PhD". who gives a shit about a PhD in Ethics? like the others have said - his degree ain't in table manners! clearly...
i don't care how saint like you husband may be giving to charity and such, his disrespect for you and common etiquette makes it null and void. I'd tell Jesus he was a slob and an ass if he acted like your husband! His brains and charity do not put him on any moral high ground to be disrespectful to others with his actions. that's like saying "oh he does so much good work in the community! who cares if he beats his wife! after all he's such a great giver to those who are in need!".

good luck with that one...

xtine:

he does stuff his mouth full with one cheek bulging, and then talks with his mouth full and gulps down quantities of water or beer on top of all the food. He also holds his fork with his fist, licks his knife

xtine:

he does get defensive or laughs and asks me who makes all these decisions about right and wrong in how people eat.

Well some things are simply social customs, such as using the proper knife or not putitng your elbows on the table. However, talking with your mouth full is a good way to spray food around, and most people find that gross. Licking your knife is a good way to end up in the hospital.

xtine:

He thinks I am unduly fastidious. Since he has a PhD and I do not, he is not in the habit of taking advice from me.

How sad. I plan on listening to my husband even after I get my phd. All it means is that I know far too much about physics.

xtine:

He really is the typical absent minded professor, and I think that is the real explanation. .

Mmm ... I know a lot of absent minded professors and they aren't like this.

I'm just not the kind of person who could comfortably continue to do something after my loved one told me they had a real objection to it. Knowing they were pained each time I did it would make it too painful for me to continue doing. Maybe my lack of a PhD is what gives me empathy.

(sigh) and no, PG, you don't have to point out that you are going for a PhD and you plan on having empathy, too. I'll just make your lil 'droid argument for you and save you the trouble, m'kay?. ;)