Dear Crabby,
My elderly husband just died, and a friend wrote to confess she’d had an affair with him 25 years ago. I had suspected as much but kept it to myself, and haven’t replied to her yet. Part of me wants to forgive (like she wants) but let her know how hurt I am and never speak to her again, and part wants to just ignore her. What should I do?
— “The Mean Mile”
Dear “The Mate Tricks”,
My condolences on your loss. That said, you can’t forgive someone, then refuse to ever speak to them again. It doesn’t work like that. My own question, to help you sort this out: if you make her feel bad, then want to retract your snub at a later date, will you end up wanting to ask HER for forgiveness at some point? Also, how much heartache do you want to take into the sunset of your life? Do you not have enough already, that you need to make more?
— Crabby, who reminds all her readers that speaking ill of the departed is the depth of bad manners. They can’t defend themselves, or point out your lies and exaggerations, you know.
Dear Crabby,
I am about to be married to a great guy with disgusting table manners. We’ve known each other since we were 4 years old, and his manners haven’t changed since then. (Disgusting dining details redacted at this point – Crabby). How can I force him to eat daintily?
— “The Corn Ultimatum”
Dear “Ducked Soup”,
I’m sure if you just tell him “that’s gross, and the internet lady says to stop it” - THAT will have the desired effect, eh? Honestly, I don’t know why people think some anonymous internet know-it-all like me can force their loved (and unloved) ones to obey them. One of 2 things is happening here – either he’s totally clueless that he’s gross, and amenable to tactful advice, or he’s well aware of his effect, and chooses to be this way deliberately. There is hope for the former (and you don’t need to slip him a book – just talk to him like the dearest companion you purport to be, for pete’s sake). But there’s no hope if he’s doing this deliberately -you’ll have to decide if you want to be married to some guy who thinks this sort of thing is humorous, or not. Good luck, and please remember boys and girls that the dinner table is not a time for arguments.
— Crabby, who knows a woman who insists on cutting corn off the cob with a knife and fork, because eating it off the cob is “indelicate”. Seriously.
Dear Crabby,
I hate my mom because she physically and verbally abused me until I was 17. I am now 29 and about to give birth to my first child. Many of my friends and relatives are pressuring me to form a bond with her. How do I tell them to butt out?
— “Mommy Queerest”
Dear “Rosemary’s Baby’s Daughter”,
What to say to your “friends” who suggest you forgive and forget? I’d go with something like “That’s easy for you to say – YOUR mom didn’t lock you in a closet for hours, then beat you with a wire coat hanger.” Seriously, you don’t owe an explanation – or even an answer – to anyone. People will drop a topic if you refuse to be drawn into a debate over it. Half of them are simply bringing it up because they enjoy your obvious discomfort. These people are NOT your friends, and were put up to it by your mother. And don’t break down and renew your acquaintance with her just because you’re desperate later on for some free babysitting – that’s especially the time to remember how hellish life was for you, growing up. Think of the children, always.
—Crabby, who reconciles this “hold a grudge” advice with the “forgive” advice in letter one by noting that this granny to be apparently presents an imminent threat to the newborn’s well being.
Dear Crabby,
I’m an impoverished college student, and my relatives are bestowing gift cards to help me out. Unfortunately, I despise all the companies involved because they are opressve capitalist overlords who are exploiting the proletariat. How can I impose my socialist and revolutionary views on my relatives, but not lose the gifts? I simply want them to give me gifts from manufacturers and retailers which I personally approve of.
— “The Manchurian Matriculate”
Dear “Little Miss Cloudburst”,
I applaud your concern for the well being of those less fortunate than you. Unfortunately, your professors have omitted the part of “socialist economics 101” where it is revealed that refusing to purchase merchandise from 3rd world nations simply results in increased unemployment, hunger, and misery for proletariat who are then thrown out of work as a result. Some of them will then enter madrassas to fill their spare time, and become suicide bombers. Do you want this on your conscience? I didn’t think so! Accept the gift cards cheerfully, spend the amount you really need, and donate any excess to organizations which help the poor.
— Crabby, who believes you should have been able to figure out the solution for yourself. Consider inquiring about a tuition refund, since you’re not learning anything in college evidently.
