Still Hurting-grow up & get over it

Grossed out-grow up & get over it

Motherless Mother to be-grow up & get over it

Ethical Shopper-grow up & get over it

Still Hurting--sounds like the other woman is the one who needs to grow up and get over it.

Grossed out--it's the fiance who needs to grow up and learn some table manners.

Motherless mother--she was an abuse victim for her entire formative years. It's the other people insisting the new child needs and (abusive) grandmother who need to grow up and see that not all "grandmother bonds" are worth developing.

Ethical shopper--completely agreed on this one!

The LW can not make other people change. The only thing the LW has to work with is their response. Your comments about the "other people" needing to grow up and do whatever they need to do would be great if you could get them to do it. When you find that force field device that allows you to do that, get a patent on it quick.

That's absolutely correct and illustrates a lot more interest than I could generate for this week's letters. Good job.

Well, I guess in particular regard to the woman grossed out by the fiance's disgusting eating habits...a base reaction of repulsion at slobby eating is more instinctively reactionary than it is indicative of maturity level. My vote stands on that one. It really is him. Not her. If your stomach turns at watching someone openly pre-digesting food in front of you, I don't see that as something you can "grow out of." Bad eating habits, on the other hand...

That would disgust as well, but the way the letter was worded indicated that he was defensive about the problem. She should run away now rather than hang around hoping he will grow up and learn to eat properly. Again, she can change her approach and MAYBE he will get a clue. She can't make him change.

I see what you're saying now. The "growing up" on her part would be making a decision of how to handle this and stick with it.

bzl:

Well, I guess in particular regard to the woman grossed out by the fiance's disgusting eating habits...a base reaction of repulsion at slobby eating is more instinctively reactionary than it is indicative of maturity level. My vote stands on that one. It really is him. Not her. If your stomach turns at watching someone openly pre-digesting food in front of you, I don't see that as something you can "grow out of." Bad eating habits, on the other hand...

But how is this just now an issue?

That's pretty much the answer to any of life's problems. You can't control other people; only your response to other people.

I do think Motherless Mother has grown up, and gotten over .. needing her lousy mother. I just hope she makes sure she knows how to be a better mother herself, and neither repeats past mistakes nor goes too far in indulging her child.

It's like that old Clash song, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

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I am idly curious whether this is what happens when Gen Y people decide to shift from hooking up to getting married so they can qualify for a mortgage. It's the only way I can think of for something that revolting to "suddenly" become an issue.

IncogNeato:

But how is this just now an issue?

That's made me curious as well. That would be kind of hard to overlook early on.

Aren't you supposed to validate their feelings for several decades first before you allow them to grow up & get over it? ;)

mermaid33:

Aren't you supposed to validate their feelings for several decades first before you allow them to grow up & get over it? ;)

Okay. New advice:

Get as pissed at them as you like. Then, make sure you act responsibly. You are held accountable for your actions, not your feelings.

This is why you are The Master.

I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy...