Well, well. They do say that "may you live in interesting times" is a curse, and I'm starting to believe it. Flooding, heat, blaming one woman for breaking up two marriages all by her little old lonesome ..... I'm waiting for the locusts.

But enough of that for the moment. The sun is out, the lilies are starting to bloom and there isn't a cloud in the sky. This is a classic high pressure system and it looks like it'll be sticking around for a few days anyway. It's hard to be surly when the weather's this nice, isn't it?

Sadly, there's a street festival in our neighborhood this weekend, so we have to cancel our dinner reservations. Neither of us is willing to step through the protein spills, dog pee, discarded food and reeking piles of refuse only to sit in a restaurant whose windows are open to get the full benefit of the 14 to 16-year-old yodeling finals (or whatever - it's a band platform, anyway). Ah, Chicago! City of - um - I think "diversity" is kinder than weirdness.

To work!

1. Holy fidelity, woman! Are you a saint or a masochist? Only you know. Few people have responded to your letter, and I think it's because they don't really know what to say! If anyone is nasty, they can just

SHADDAP!

It's nice to see someone who doesn't blame the child for the actions of it's parents. Many women in your position would have dumped their husbands. Others would have nothing to do with this poor kid.

Nonetheless, your position is an awkward one. Thankfully your kids are young enough that a gradual explanation of who their brother is will still work. It's going to have to be the absolute truth, too. Not only do kids talk, but as with adopted kids, honesty really is the best policy. It's the only way to defuse any anger they might have ahead of time.

There's nobody on the planet quite as foul to deal with as an angsty teenager who really DOES have something to bitch about.

There are two things you need to pay attention to now. You say that the mother of this child only revealed his existence because she wants child support. I assume you and your husband made very sure that he was indeed the father before he started paying. Make sure that his guilt doesn't compromise the finances of your family.

Second, pay attention to the child's mother. It's not unheard of for women in her position to try and insert themselves back into the lives of their former lovers. I'm not saying she will or won't do that, I'm only saying "beware". You don't want to go through that whole mess again.

2. Ah, the joys of fatherhood! I bet you're longing for the days when you could dress your daughter up in frills and lace, plop her in her stroller and reap the admiration of everyone who saw the two of you on your promenade. Yup, they sure start out cute, don't they?

Too bad they don't stay that way. I suspect that it's always a shock to discover that daughters are sexually active or even thinking about that in a serious way. When you've diapered someone's butt, its disconcerting to see another kid that you could have diapered look at that behind with that kind of...admiration. It's scary too, judging by your letter. However, no one has time for you to freak out, so

SHADDAP!

This is NOT what your daughter needs to deal with right now. She has quite enough to be getting on with at the moment.

You know what to do. You said it in your letter. If you don't trust her mother not to go insane on her, then you have to take matters into your own hands - this would be before your daughter does. You just have to grit your teeth and do the following:

1. Get the kid a prepaid cell phone. Save yourself and her the embarrassment of going through this again. It will also protect you against being eyed for promoting kiddie porn.

2. This is hard. You have to ask her if she's sexually active. Hopefully, she'll be honest with you.

3. If she hasn't already, she needs to see a gynecologist. Find someone who's willing to spend the time to do the birth control and STD talk. The doctor also has reams of printed matter that lays it all out in detail for her. It's also time she started having annual PAP smears and she should have the Gardisil vaccine. (Prudie was right on that point.)

You have to decide what to tell your wife. You can tell her nothing, or you can wait until the situation is less volatile, your choice - you should be able to judge that. Keep in mind that as the father, you have the right to help your daughter make health decisions, too. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise, either.

This is the time when you need to carefully maintain your connection with your daughter, and it isn't going to be easy. I don't happen to think that only a mother can handle this situation. You need to become someone that your daughter can trust with anything. This means that you have to consider everything and NOT JUDGE every word that comes out of her mouth.

It's all right, you know. She's the same little spud that you took home from the hospital 16 years ago, she's just bigger now...

Good luck!

3. Ah, frying pans and fire.... It's unfortunate that your mother is abusive. It's also unfortunate that you had to wait so long to get out from under her thumb. This should have happened a long time ago.

It's a good thing you like your stepmother, though. That's a bonus. At 18, I'm sure you understand that you aren't going to get along with everyone all the time. Sadly, there's nothing you can do about the way she treats your father. You can't even tell her to

SHADDAP!

See, its this way. He's the one that married her. No matter how harsh his wife sounds to your ears, their relationship is nothing to do with you. It's obvious that it's not a problem for him - he's staying with her, isn't he? From your letter it seems he really isn't bothered by what she says, either.

This is not your battle. Your dad got along with his wife before you moved in with them and he's a big boy. If something between them needs to be dealt with, it's theirs to handle.

The only thing you can do when you and your stepmother are alone is tell her that the things she says make you uncomfortable, then change the subject. I don't generally tell people to do things like this, but you're 18. You aren't going to be living there for too long before you're out on your own.

One thing I do have to add is that you need to see a counsellor. Living with your mother was hard on you and you need to talk it out with someone who's unbiased. Deal with the abuse you lived with now. Don't wait until there's a huge blowout before you learn to cope with this.

4. Ooh, this is the juicy letter...the one everyone has something to say about...the one with probably the most hated LW in recent memory... To all of you that are calling names, to all of you that think she needs to be punished for eternity for what they BOTH did,

SHADDAP!

You're full of crap, and I'll tell you why in a minute.

Right. To the LW:

You're right. The wedding invitation is tacky, rude, and should be ignored. Sadly, this is not yours to deal with. We had a long discussion on these very pages not so very long ago about wedding etiquette and second wives and I maintain my position.

No one EVER gets to invite half a couple to a wedding. Period. You are the bride's stepmother, and even if her mother is threatening to shoot herself in the church when you walk in, you have the right to be invited with your husband. It's been five years. It's clear that the two of you are a couple.

Unfortunately, it's up to your husband to deal with this situation. He has to be the one to tell his daughter this. She's an adult, she should already know it, and if she's allowing her mother's threats to sway her, then she's too immature to marry at all. If he talks to her and she still refuses to do the right thing, then he needs to tell her that he can't attend. That is the correct thing for him to do.

But there was a lot more to your letter, wasn't there? I think that after five years, you're still protesting too much. There was guilt in every line of your letter, along with some pretty lame justifications for the way both of you acted. I even have a list:

1. Don't screw around with people that you know are married. It's a pretty basic rule. If it really is love, then it'll wait until you're both free to pursue it. If you have any ethics at all, then you should know that there are consequences to the betrayals that you and your now-husband perpetrated.

2. You don't really know anything about the state of his first marriage. You only know what he told you, and he had to make some justifications of his own, didn't he? For all you know (and I said it before) this could easily have come at his wife from the blue. She had every right to be angry.

3. You really can't expect that his kids will adore you. This DEFINITELY hit them out of the blue. That said, you do have the right to expect basic politeness, and it's up to your husband to tell them to shut their pie-holes when they engage in childish name calling.

4. Beware. You already know how easily you can be replaced. He might have an easier time of it the second time around, too.

I suggest (and I can't believe I'm saying this) that you get some counseling on your own. You are carrying around a lot of guilt and anger five years later and you need to reconcile that before you can really be happy.

___________________

Let the games begin.

(To ba: sorry about the lists...I know its your schtick, but it's so darned ORGANISED...)

Great job; I think you should have Prudie's job. I have been involved in limited discussions with a couple of extremely bitter people who are either mama's boys/girls or are harridans who got dumped for someone less hateful.

MessyONE:

1. Holy fidelity, woman! Are you a saint or a masochist? Only you know. Few people have responded to your letter, and I think it's because they don't really know what to say!

I do happen to know of one couple that has managed to survive this situation. but theirs was a little stranger. The hudband has two kids the same age by different mothers. It can be done.

MessyONE:

2. Ah, the joys of fatherhood!

1. Get the kid a prepaid cell phone.

2. This is hard. You have to ask her if she's sexually active.

3. If she hasn't already, she needs to see a gynecologist.

You have to decide what to tell your wife. You can tell her nothing, or you can wait until the situation is less volatile, your choice - you should be able to judge that. Keep in mind that as the father, you have the right to help your daughter make health decisions, too. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise, either.

An astounding answer, full of grace and class. Watch your back, there are harpies all over the place lately.

MessyONE:

3. Ah, frying pans and fire.... See, its this way. He's the one that married her. No matter how harsh his wife sounds to your ears, their relationship is nothing to do with you. Living with your mother was hard on you and you need to talk it out with someone who's unbiased. Deal with the abuse you lived with now.

Lots of people responded on this one as well; most of them seemed to be still fighting their parents' divorces over again and again.

MessyONE:

4. Ooh, this is the juicy letter...the one everyone has something to say about...the one with probably the most hated LW in recent memory... To all of you that are calling names, to all of you that think she needs to be punished for eternity for what they BOTH did, SHADDAP! You're full of crap, and I'll tell you why in a minute. Right. To the LW: You're right. The wedding invitation is tacky, rude, and should be ignored. Sadly, this is not yours to deal with. We had a long discussion on these very pages not so very long ago about wedding etiquette and second wives and I maintain my position. No one EVER gets to invite half a couple to a wedding. Period. You are the bride's stepmother, and even if her mother is threatening to shoot herself in the church when you walk in, you have the right to be invited with your husband. It's been five years. It's clear that the two of you are a couple.

There have been so many tacky, rude, and hateful comments made about this one. It's mind-boggling.

What else can one say?

On LW #4, NO ONE covered themselves with glory. It seems that EVERYONE is crapping on everyone else, and the only really innocent parties are the kids that the LW alludes to. I could include her ex, but she doesn't say anything about him specifically. His adult kids need their asses tanned.

I also never did get why fathers aren't encouraged to deal with the "sex talk" with their kids. Somehow that always gets dumped on the mothers for both genders, regardless of which parent would handle it better. I know men get weirded out with their daughters, but surely he can make her a doctor's appointment. That's what you would have done, right, Tonto?

Those "kids" are at least chronologically grown up by now, but their actions since the divorce have covered them with crap as well. Lots of posters have taken their side in beating up on bad old dad and his whore. So yeah, Happy Father's Day to them as well. The dumb SOB's.

The Princess' new husband lost his mother over the winter and his dad died several years ago. So daughter and son-in-law will be here for Father's Day.

The "sex talk" was taken care of before it was required and in a better setting than after finding sex messages on a cell phone. Sixteen is really kind of late for that unless you just climbed out of a time capsule or something. I will say that a lot of mothers get extremely protective and defensive about sex issues and their kids, even to the extent of pushing dad out of the way. I think Prudie's answer (that dad needs to proceed with great caution) on that part of the issue was good.

I didn't have the heart to tell FILO that you and I aren't dating since it's not seventh grade anymore and the rest of us have all grown up, moved on, etc.

I have to read the letter again now. I thought the LW had some kids of her own.

The adult children need to get a grip. Their parents' relationships really aren't any of their business and allowing their own relationships to be colored by nonsense coming from either parent is foolishness. Blaming a girlfriend for dear old Dad absconding from the family nest is childish and helps no one.

You know I'm the LAST person to say that everyone needs to forgive everyone, but if they want a relationship with their father, they won't have one if they don't respect his decisions, and that means his choice of spouse.

Sometimes you just have to suck it up. Too bad almost everyone these days seems to think that life should be a stroll through the tulips.

MessyONE:

The adult children need to get a grip. Their parents' relationships really aren't any of their business and allowing their own relationships to be colored by nonsense coming from either parent is foolishness.

Messy, thank you for making a really important point that seems to have been lost in all the name-calling - the adult children have no more right to dictate who their parents have a relationship with than the parents have to dictate who their adult children have a relationship with. There are plenty of cases where parents cut off their children because they don't like who their son or daughter married/moved in with. There are other cases where parents want to maintain a realtionship only with their adult child, and to exclude the adult child's new spouse. Does anybody think that is a good thing for anyone? Would you allow your Dad to call your spouse a filthy name because he didn't approve of the circumstances of your relationship? Would you meekly accept it, or would you tell him to stuff it?

After raising children to adulthood, Dad left Mom and found happiness with another woman. None of us - and that includes the children - knows how badly the first marriage may have deteriorated over the many years it existed. Were Mom and Dad even sharing the same bedroom when this Other Woman came from nowhere and wrecked the home? Were they even talking to each other? We don't know that. Happy homes are not "wrecked" by outside forces.

The adult children are certainly free to cut Dad out of their lives because they don't like the circumstances of his second marriage. Parents are free to cut their adult children out of their lives if they don't approve of their marriages. But what a tragedy that is. In both cases.

Now, see this kids? This is how it's done.

Mess, this is a beautiful example of the type of post of yours that drew me to this board in the first place. Your advice to the LWs this week is frank, constructive and fair. You are capable of great wisdom and (dare I say it?) compassion. I really enjoyed it. You did a great job and I'm proud of you, kiddo.

(btw, particularly nice job on #4. Judging from the slag hurled at this clueless but apparently omnipotent minx I thought I was alone in my opinions, but no, you share them, too.)

Kudos. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go give someone a well-deserved thumbs-up. Too bad there's not a function for two thumbs-up because you definitely deserve it this week. ;)

Whatever, she's still kind of a bitch. No matter how crappy the marriage, it's best dealt with on its own terms before finding another lovah. That goes for both genders. He's kind of an ass, too, FWIW. That the two are together, and apparently happy, five years later, is actually the healthiest thing in the whole damn letter. I wonder how her kids are, if there were any?

Regarding the "whore"/new wedding situation:

I think Messy and Tonto are right that everyone--everyone--in this situation is at this point behaving badly, or has at some point behaved badly. There are no clean hands. So maybe instead of finger pointing and deciding who needs to be punished for 1) home wrecking, 2) infidelity, or 3) using a wedding invitation as a weapon, SOMEONE needs to guff up, take a breath, and be a bigger person. The perfect candidate for this is the father. Yes, yes, yes, the children are overreacting, the daughter is taking advantage of her wedding to punish her step-"whore"--but none of this will ever get any better without someone making the first move. So the dad should gracefully swallow his pride, go to the wedding alone, and show his (however childish) daughter that he and his wife were willing to take a lump for her sake. Then the door will be open to reconciliation, and the next time one of his kids is rude to his wife, he can just say, "Look, you know I love you and want to make amends, but now it's your turn to be accepting."

Goose,the only qualms I would have about Dad going to the wedding are whether he is being set up for public humiliation. Possibly the LW is exagerrating the vile behavior of the ex and the children, but it is clear something unkind is going on with this bunch. They have already insulted Dad by pointedly excluding his wife from the invitation (I don't CARE if you have a relationship with only one of the people, wedding invitations always include both spouses in a married couple), thereby decreeing that he is a "second class" guest. If he goes, I wonder what other subtle and not so subtle snubs and insults they have planned.

If he goes, he needs to limit his time to the wedding only and he needs to be at least alert to the possibility of further bad behavior.

Maybe they'll chain him up and force him to wear a gold bikini. Maybe they'll rip his clothes to shreds just moments before it starts and tell him he can't go to the ball after all. And then a pumpkin will be turned into a coach and the mice will be turned into horses. Maybe they're going to dump a bucket of pig's blood on him and then they're all gonna laugh at him. THEN the party will really get started.

Dad going to the wedding alone is the absolute WRONG thing to do.

He has a wife and they have been a couple for five years. The kids need to understand that if they want a relationship with him, they have to at least be polite to her. If they aren't willing to do that, then they forfeit any to expect him to even allow them to speak to him.

This invitation as it stands is an ugly little attempt to control the actions and life of another person, and it deserves to be tossed directly into the nearest shredder. By calling his wife names and by excluding her they aren't "punishing" her at all. What they're doing is punishing him and showing a lack of respect that should not be permitted to continue.

Since everyone is playing amateur chess on this letter: While I agree in general with some of what is batting around, there is the other option. Just take the wife to the ceremony regardless. They don't have to attend the reception. It is a show of force between the couple and a show of mutual support in the child's new life. I mean after all it isn't as though the hate and discontent is likely to ever end so they might are well knock off as many volleys as possible.

I thought of that and going to the reception would probably be a mistake even if they were both invited. I have visions of a scene at the door of the church or wherever the ceremony is happening, though. Not the sort of thing to encourage at a wedding.

I fear it would just add fuel to the mother's ire - "That bitch ruined MY daughter's wedding" and all that. If it were me, I wouldn't care, but I'm kind of odd that way. :-D

Stepmother needs to realize that it's NOT all about her, and that she chose the life she has. No one gets a free ride in a situation like this, and no one is going to be 100% thrilled with every aspect of it.

I think of this stuff as basic common sense, but clearly most people aren't willing to use that in their everyday lives.

A lot of people seem to expend a great deal of energy on things that they can't control. Instead of fretting for decades, it would be better to just let it go or ignore it until you CAN let it go. Sigh.