10 – The head of Obama’s VP vetting committee had to resign after he was outed for strong-arming banks into giving him $5MM in loans with ultra low interest rates. Does Obama need someone to vet the people he’s picking to vet his VP list? Bush was asked what the most important thing was in picking a VP, and he quipped “be careful who you ask to vet them” – without realizing the irony . . . Cheney was the head of bush’s VP search committee, and picked himself as VP.
9 – In another blow to the Bush administration, the Supreme Court ruled that gitmo detainees are, in fact, human beings – not animals – and cannot be penned and leashed indefinitely without trial. Displaying his finely honed misunderstanding of the American mood, Bush simply declared he didn’t agree with the ruling, and that he thought the law which took away their human rights was a good one.
8 – In order to avoid being swallowed by corporate giant Microsoft, Yahoo has rebuffed their takeover bid, and sold themselves to (drumroll) . .. Google. Both Google and Microsoft are (approximately) $200 billion companies, so the distinction is lost on me. Oh, wait – I know the difference . .. Google has a giant file of every search you’ve ever conducted, and that’s why they’re not a threat to the typical American, right? Right . .. .
7 – The (new) world’s fastest computer was (again) unveiled. They come up with a new one every six months, and it always has the same job: “modeling the deterioration of nuclear weapons in our arsenal, to see if they’re still safe”. Jesus Christ . . . if we need to create a new supercomputer every 6 months just to figure out if our nukes are going to explode when our backs are turned, maybe we should be neutralizing these old nukes instead of just trying to estimate the “stale” date, eh?
6 – The California judge who is hearing the case to decide if beastiality films are obscene enough to be banned was disqualified . . . . for having beastiality films on his personal web page. His explanation? “I didn’t think anyone could see them without the password. I’m sorry”. Remember folks, this is California . ..
5 – Add tomatoes to the list of food we can’t eat – they have salmonella, probably from some farm worker not washing his hands after using the restroom (its true, I’m not making this up). These get added to lettuce and spinach (e coli contamination, from improper hygiene again); beef (mad cow disease, and e coli in the burgers themselves); fish (too much mercury from the thermometers you threw away as a kid); chickens (hormones that make men need Viagra to get it up); corn on the cob (our cars will starve to death) . . .. is there no end to the trouble? I’ll have fries with those fries, please. Oh, wait . .. I can’t . . . it’s unhealthy to use peanut oil now. Damn.
4 – Evidently believing tsunamis have had their 15 minutes of fame, god sent tornados and floods to punish the wicked in America’s heartland. His immediate target appears to have been a particular boy scout troop, so who knows WHAT they were up to, eh? I haven’t seen the religious right’s take on these weather related fatalities, but its always god’s will, and punishment of the disbelievers, right? In god we trust, except when we’re hiding in our storm cellars . .. auntie em . .. where are you?
3 – The networks deny any sexism or inequality in their coverage of Hillary Clinton’s campaign. In an unrelated development, CBS announced plans to fire Katie Couric, and replace her with “Asimo”, Sony’s robot. When it was pointed that “Asimo” can’t speak, a CBS spokesman replied “well, it’s not like Katie ever said anything intelligent, is it?”
2 – Europe is always ahead of us. There is now a “treatment center” in London for kids who are addicted to cell phones. Evidently Europeans believe that simply taking phones away won’t work, as the Colombian cartels have the ability to supply an unlimited number of cell phones to desperate addicts. “It’s a disease – not a crime. We’re not sending these addicts o jail”
1 – Bush went to “Slovenia” to begin his farewell tour of Europe. I’m not making this up . . . there is an actual country called Slovenia, and that’s where he really went. This about sums up everything we’ve suspected about Bush’s intelligence – he picked Slovenia for his European vacation. Isn’t that where they filmed “Hostel”, by the way? This is why wives should do the vacation planning. I’m sure Laura would have picked something sensible, like Paris, Rome, Naples . .. . Honestly, Slovenia. Bush, I’m ashamed I ever voted for you. This is waaaaay worse than waterboarding.
