The father absolutely needs to put his foot down. His GROWN children are acting like little brats and they need to get over it. My parents divorced when I was 15 and while the "ideal" family image was shattered for me, I learned to accept it and get along with everyone. My father was having an affair with a co-worker and they got married when I was 19. Again, yes, I wish the circumstances were different but they worn't and I had to ACCEPT my life and my loved ones' lives as an adult. I also remember the fights my parents used to have and their lack of passion. My mother has also gotten over it and is very happy in her 2nd marriage to a man that shows her he loves her everyday. My father couldn't do that for my mom, they fought, he cheated, blah blah blah. Your husband's kids are jerks that need to learn acceptance and so is his ex-wife...

And her husbands kids don't have to like her and / or invite her to their weddings or speak to her , look at her or aknowledge her existence. The Ex -wife doesn't have to forgive her or be "the bigger person". She wasn't being the "bigger person" when she admittely broke up her marriage and hurt her children.

Some people can forgive ,some can't and some won't. It doesn't make you better because you say you did. It just makes you different. Maybe the brides home life wasn't like yours.

When people say they have a rotten marriage it usually means " I want to bed you and I will tell you any lie that you want to hear in order to do so". So that father married the LW. So what ? Big whoop. All that she got out of the deal is a cheater, as did he. She has no right to expect any thing else.

The bride and her family are "going on with their lives". They're simply doing it without including the LW and that is what she can't accept.

MeeOMyO,

To forgive DOES in fact make you better in so many ways that I guess you've never experienced...

Trust me I would not be as happy and neither would my mom if we continued life being bitter and calling my dad's new WIFE "a whore"...what my father and his now wife did is on their own conscience,not mine. However, to call someone a whore for the rest of my life, that would be very sad and oppressive for primairly ME. Regardless of what was done, it's DONE....they are not going on with their lives by calling someone a whore and holding on to that much hate....

We only have the LW's word that the kids called her a whore which directly conflicts with her statment that when the kids see them out they"turn their backs and refuse to speak to us". However, this would be understandable conduct from teens or preteens who have been totally devastated by the actions of adults and have no recourse except to lash out in anger. Or,maybe she is projecting her own subconscious guilt on to the kids.

I have forgiven many people for many things and have been forgiven by many , sometimes for things that I thought were unforgivable.My point is, the LW and her husband are not owed automatic forgiveness. Has she ever sought out the kids and apologized for any hurt she may have caused them. Has she ever advised her husband to do so. From her letter, I think not. In fact it appears that the daughter is the only one who has attempted to reach out to try to make this situation better.The LW seems to be concerned with her own feelings and her perception of how she has been treated. Yes, forgiveness is great, good for the soul , yada yada yada, but sometimes people are just not going to forgive .My point is that they don't have too.It is not a moral imperative to forgive. It is a moral imperative to do no harm.

You may find this unthinkable, but yes there are some things that have been done to me that I have not and will not forgive. However, I have put them away and they have no impact on my life. The people who did these things no longer exist for me.We have all gone on with our lives and I wish them no harm. But if they appeared today demanding forgiveness or a place in my life, my answer would be a simple no. This is my right as a free thinking human being. As I said, if you do not feel this way , it does not make you better, it just makes you different. Does " forgiving" make you feel that you are better than the person that you forgave? If so, IMHO, it makes you worse.

I was reading the conversation back and forth and I agree with both of you. Forgiveness is hard when someone has done you wrong and there are some things that seem unforgiveable. But if you forgive, you can move on. But if you don't, at least you don't let it run your life.

But even in that, there are snags.I mean, could a person forgive another person for shooting their six year old kid like what happened a while back in Detroit? The man shot his ex's six year old daughter about five or six times. Do you forgive that person? It depends on the person. Do you move on as if they don't exist? Forgiveness is harder in certain situation than others. Calling me a fat elephant is a little easier to forgive than shooting my three year old nephew. Which is why I agree with both of your arguments that were well thought out.