"They all took his ex-wife's side and vowed never to speak to either of us again. When we do, by chance, see them, they turn their backs; and when they speak to other people about their dad, they don't even refer to him as their father but just call him by his last name."

I'm surprised that he got invited to the wedding. Does daughter dearest just have her hand out for cash and gifts? I think the advice was good, but I hope Dad will insist on respectful treatment from now on.

Yeah, since they wouldn't even speak to him before, and now he's suddenly invited to the wedding, I wonder if it isn't just about getting money from him. If they ask him, he should say, "sorry, (new wife) has the checkbook, and she wasn't welcome, so you're out of luck".

Absolutely. Maybe Prudie has been out of the wedding scene for awhile. There are at least two types of wedding invites.

Type 1. We would like you to celebrate with us. In other words, a real wedding invitation.

Type 2. We don't really want you to celebrate with us, but you are a logical person to hit up for a gift. We can't just ask for a gift, so instead we send an invitation under bizarre circumstances and with conditions that make it much more likely you will send a check.

My money is that LW4's invite is type 2. The kids are now all adults and the divorce was only 5 years ago, so they were adults or close during the entire time. So this isn't a "mom poisoned the kids" scenario. That may be hard to accept, but the kids are responsible for their own feelings and actions. There may be good reasons to reconcile, but given no evidence that the kids have tried under non-gifting circumstances, this sounds like a play for a check.

I actually 100% disagree on this one.

Anywhere my family isn't welcome, I'm not welcome.

I've actually refused to go somewhere that a loved one wasn't welcome before, and I feel this compounds 100 times with my wife. I would actually send a gift with a heartfelt letter (it's only money... it really doesn't matter if she's seeking it or not) and skip the event. Painful as it would be, I'd never go. My wife would never ask me to not go, but I wouldn't need her prompting.

We are a unit, a whole, one. You can't have half of something and not the rest.

The third type of invite is the obligation invite. The "I don't really want you there but it seems wrong to not invite you so I'll send the invite and then if you don't come, at least you look like a jerk instead of me" invite.

Weddings bring out a lot of these obligations. Siblings end up in the bridal party that way. Estranged relatives end up invited that way. My cousin ended up having two father dances and 2 fathers walk her down the aisle that way, even though her bio father is not part of her life (mostly his choice) and her stepfather is the one she's called Daddy since she was a kid. Stepfather raised her, put her through college, was there for everything along the way, even ran out to buy her a new purse the morning of the wedding when she couldn't find the one she'd intended to use. But bio father did show up and did offer to pay for a couple small things and she and her mom felt that acknowledging him was the right thing to do. She took the high road and her, her mom, and stepdad all came off as classy and confident.

Tilia:

The third type of invite is the obligation invite. The "I don't really want you there but it seems wrong to not invite you so I'll send the invite and then if you don't come, at least you look like a jerk instead of me" invite.

Weddings bring out a lot of these obligations. Siblings end up in the bridal party that way. Estranged relatives end up invited that way. My cousin ended up having two father dances and 2 fathers walk her down the aisle that way, even though her bio father is not part of her life (mostly his choice) and her stepfather is the one she's called Daddy since she was a kid. Stepfather raised her, put her through college, was there for everything along the way, even ran out to buy her a new purse the morning of the wedding when she couldn't find the one she'd intended to use. But bio father did show up and did offer to pay for a couple small things and she and her mom felt that acknowledging him was the right thing to do. She took the high road and her, her mom, and stepdad all came off as classy and confident.

That was nice of her. My wedding tried to include as many people in as many things as possible. My wife and I enjoy ourselves best when everyone is happy.

Only problem is, that the daughter in this case is a manipulative (insert nasty phrase here). She makes the dad a jerk by skipping the wedding or a jerk by going somewhere that his wife isn't welcome.

It's like those questions with no right answer "Have you stopped beating your wife yet?"

Some of you guys really have this backwards. Look- remember that this letter is from the "other woman." In reality, the daughter probably loves her father- at least enough that she wants her only father to be at her wedding. This gift thing is silly- balanced out with the headcount it adds to the catering bill, you'd have to be stupid to invite someone you don't really want for the balance.

And lets get something clear, in this situation, the father should be invited and he should go....BUT THERE IS NO RIGHT for the other woman to be there. Why does she need to be there? No relationship to the children- who have every right to resent her. Ditto the mother of the bride. What's wrong with you people thinking that someone has a sacred right to have a date at such a function- even if its one whose presence incites reasonable resentment?

thebin:

And lets get something clear, in this situation, the father should be invited and he should go....BUT THERE IS NO RIGHT for the other woman to be there. Why does she need to be there? No relationship to the children- who have every right to resent her. Ditto the mother of the bride. What's wrong with you people thinking that someone has a sacred right to have a date at such a function- even if its one whose presence incites reasonable resentment?

Prudie is supposed to give advice on MANNERS. It's actually very, VERY rude to invite someone to a wedding without their spouse. You say a "date" to the function. My guests didn't get dates to my wedding, their wasn't space. But you never invite someone without their spouse.

And actually I've rethought my answer from above. The father should go... to the ceremony, and then promptly leave. It is his daughter after all, so I'd make an exception to my going where my wife isn't invited rule, but just for the ceremony. I'd see my daughter get married and go. I wouldn't feel much like partying without my wife there.

One doesn't have to make one's self miserable at a wedding (by inviting a person you have a right to detest) for the sake of manners. I think since the LW comes into play in this family wedding ONLY as the other woman- not as any sort of a step-mom, the "manners" of her normally automatic invite are null and void in the face of her role in a far more weighty and permanent indiscretion.

I dont' disagree with you though- going to the ceremony only might be the right move for the dad.

She's not just a date, though. She's a wife. And you don't exclude a wife, no matter how much you don;t want her there.

The first time my aunt was face to face with the "other woman" - the one her ex-husband cheated on her with and then left her for - was at the rehearsal dinner for my cousin's wedding. This woman had no right to be there, in teh bridal suite before the ceremony, acting like she was part of the family, except that she was the bride's father's wife. So we all were polite, and my aunt and uncle were excellent hosts, and for one day, everyone put on their big boy/girl pants and was respectful because my cousin and her groom deserved that.

For all we know, the daughter in the letter may feel the same as my cousin did - conflicted, unsure, wanting to do the right thing but not wanting to hurt the people who raised her. The difference is in the mothers. My aunt told my cousin flat out that her father might not deserve to walk her down the aisle, but it was still the right thing to do. And inviting his wife with him was also the right thing to do. Apparently the mother in the letter is not giving that guidence.

That's a nice story. There are other types also--the parents' friends invite, the professional networking invite, etc.

But I still agree with the top poster that this is a cash grab.

"It's actually very, VERY rude to invite someone to a wedding without their spouse."

In 99% of cases you'd be right. Not here. Its just the most sane outcome of a weird situation entirely created by the other woman and father. They've forfeited the right to expect manners on this point for this occasion.

thebin:

One doesn't have to make one's self miserable at a wedding (by inviting a person you have a right to detest) for the sake of manners. I think since the LW comes into play in this family wedding ONLY as the other woman- not as any sort of a step-mom, the "manners" of her normally automatic invite are null and void in the face of her role in a far more weighty and permanent indiscretion.

I disagree with this only because she isn't just "the other woman", shes his wife. And it wasn't 6 months ago, it was 5 years.

I agree that you shouldn't have people at a wedding that make you miserable, BUT I think it's wrong to invite one half of a unit of marriage to a party.

The daughter had 2 choices

1) Invite them both
2) Invite neither

Inviting the half of the MARRIED couple that she wanted and not the half she didn't is being selfish. You're right, she's entitled to not have people there that make her miserable. But if her father's wife makes her that miserable she has the option to not invite her dad. It sucks, but you can't have everything you want, all the time. She has to pick if it will make her more miserable to not have her dad or to have his wife. Then pick option 1 or 2.

The dad is now in a lose-lose situation, and like I said, should make the best of it by skipping the party and attending the ceremony. He sees her get married, but also sends the not-so-subtle message that his wife is part of his life, and if they want in to that life more than just a little that they will one day need to deal with that.