Here I am, late again...Messy the cow's tail, always the last to arrive, that's what they'll be calling me soon....

I do have an excuse. I had a nasty medical test today that involved fasting for 36 hours beforehand, and if you thought I was cranky before, man you should have seen me after not eating for a day and a half! It wasn't pretty.

Nonetheless, all is well and now I can go back to my doctor and tell him, "I told you so!", which is kind of a fun thing to be able to do once in a while.

(I'm still bawling my eyes out over Firstinlastout calling me an idiot. Boo hoo hoo. Really. Life is rough when you're a sensitive sort such as myself. I shall call this person FILO from now on and hope that the thought of misspelled pastry will dispose me kindly towards him/her.)

To business:

1. My goodness, you've jumped right into a situation that is considerably more likely to happen to a man than a woman. It may be a stereotype, but it tends to be true that men disappear from their kid's lives more often that the other way around.

However, you need to step back, think, talk to your fiance and resist the urge to tell the boys' mother to

SHADDAP!

Don't for one second think that this ten-year-old boy doesn't already know that his mother is bad news. He knows it. He's also young enough to get sucked in once in a while, and young enough to hope that she can change. We all know she won't. That's just the way she is.

I've seen her behavior coming from both men and women, and they'll say whatever they think will get them off of whatever hook they think they're on at the moment. She doesn't care what the consequences are, she just doesn't want to end a phone call on a down note. Not only that, you won't hear from her for a good long time - at least until she figures things have calmed down and thinks up a good excuse.

There's the hard part. The excuses. We don't have the information, but her behavior screams addict or alcoholic and there's nothing you can do about that.

See, you and your fiance can't keep covering for her. Yes, we know you didn't do it for her benefit, but you two really aren't doing those kids any favors. It's nice that you followed through for her a couple of times, but that has to stop and it sounds like you know it.

Your fiance has to talk to his son. It would be too devastating for any kid to wait for a gift that never comes. Both of you can soften the blow by telling him that she probably can't afford it, but he needs to know ahead of time.

And to you, LW, a word of advice. First, marry this man. Don't the two of you muck about for too long. If you intend to be in these kids' lives, then you have to get on with it. They've been through enough with both the divorce and what happened before it, and they need their father's and their lives to be stable.

You appear to understand that you can't say bad things about their mother to the kids. Good for you. Never succumb to that temptation, and make no mistake, there will be times when you'd like to strangle that silly bitch. The stunts she pulls, the lies she tells are only going to get worse over time - and you'll be left to deal with the pain she causes.

The only way you can differentiate yourself from her and make everyone's lives easier at the same time by living by your word.

In a few years, no matter how careful and loving you and his father are with the boys, they're going to be angry about their mother and the way she's behaved. You have to get past in part by making sure that when YOU make a promise, they can take it to the bank. It's up to you to be completely reliable for them. They'll need to have someone that they can trust completely, and it has to be you and their dad.

You also have to be there for them when they finally face that she is a jerk that should never have been trusted with an ant farm, let alone two kids. That's when they'll need both of you the most.

2. Lady, did you read that letter you before you hit SEND? No? You should have. You start out by making excuses for this man and sound like every other silly ass that is "dating the perfect person but"....

SHADDAP!

I know, there are people who will say that you should talk to him, maybe he doesn't realize what he's doing and so on...but don't you listen for one second to that. While I'll grant you that he's not psychic, he should at least have enough on the ball to realize that your finances are not like his, and that you can't afford what he can.

If he lives on his own, and I'm assuming he does, then he knows what food costs. He's seen the restaurant bills, so he knows what that costs, too. There isn't anything that you can "educate" him about there that he doesn't already know.

The simple fact of the matter is that YOU AREN'T COMFORTABLE! Think about this! Whether he really is a cheapskate or not, whether he's taking you for a ride or not, this "relationship" is making you unhappy.

Wake up, single mother! How good a mother can you be if you hang around with some jerk that makes you unhappy? Do you want to teach your kid(s) that keeping any man, even if he's an asshole, is better than sleeping alone? I'd have thought you'd learned that one already.

Hanging on to A Man is a long way from finding The Man. Dump this remora before he cleans out your fridge and your bank account, too.

3. Oh, fercryinoutloud, kid! Get a grip! An obviously distraught older lady asks for your "prayers" and you feel GUILTY about making her feel better? What's the matter, you never "caught the flu" to avoid going out somewhere????

SHADDAP!

That old woman was reaching out for reassurance, and you gave it to her. You actually did the noble, the correct, the polite thing. It is NEVER wrong to ease someone's burden, and that is exactly what you did. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You also have zero understanding of human nature, leading me to think you may have been incubated in a debate club slide projector rather than among normal humans. She wasn't "pushing" anything on you, dolt. She doesn't care what you think, she probably would be all right with you sacrificing reptiles under the full moon and copulating in pits full of scorpions afterwards, as long as you made reassuring noises to her at the correct time.

On the contrary, if you had started with your pompous little lecture about atheism and how you "couldn't do that" you would not only have gained nothing, you would have hurt the feelings of another human being and possibly alienated not only her, but your boss.

It would have made you not someone with an alternate belief system, but a miserable, obnoxious, pompous git who should be locked away from other humans. If your "principles" are so fragile that you have to second guess yourself on this, then you are in for a long and miserable life, my friend.

You can live your convictions, but you don't get to wallop old ladies over the head with them. I suggest grow up, look around you, and try to figure out how to get along with people outside of yourself.

4. So...you're starting your first "realish" job! Good for you! Your brain is right on track with your age. Too bad your social skills haven't left the playground.

SHADDAP!

Where is your head girl? I'm assuming girl here, because men don't get sucked into the whole "queen bee" crap.

If a group of guys were going on a trip and one begged off for work, the rest would say "Bummer, dude" and bring him back a souvenir bong from wherever they were going. Then they would all go out drinking when they got home. No problem.

But not your friends, no not them! The birthday girl would throw a hissy fit of epic proportions! I bet she'd stamp her little feet and pull her little pigtails, and break all your Barbies and NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN all because you DISOBEYED HER! Naturally the rest would follow along, because this tantrum-throwing bitch is THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON in the world!

Why in blazes do you give a damn what this little group of jackasses thinks? How is it that you have handed them your social life on a silver platter for them to abuse whenever they feel like it? Are they the only people in the whole school? Are there literally no other humans that can talk in that joint?

Time to dump the clunks and grow the hell up, kid. Face it, you're way ahead of them in the "starting a real life" stakes. When they're in their senior year for the third time still trying to get their Mrs. degrees, you'll be laughing all the way to your condo in the Porsche that you bought for yourself wondering why you ever bothered with them.

Don't you even THINK of blowing off work for these losers! Think about it, they can go rent someone else's cabin in the mountains now...but in a couple of years, you'll be refusing the rent them the one you OWN!

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Sometimes I see women like the last three LWs and wonder what we're coming to here, when seemingly intelligent people lack the stones to do what they need to to be happy in the long run. Do they lack instinct? Have they no notions of consequences, of integrity, of basic common sense?

How the hell would I know?

...but the sun's about over the yardarm, and I think I'll emulate the Drunk Irishman...and NOT ponder the Great Imponderables for a change...

i loved your answers, especially the one to the lady who won't pray for the dying child.

but regarding the 10 year old boy whose mommy lies to him . . .

i'm not so certain he DOES know his mom is bad news.

kids want to believe the best of their parents, and may feel guilty and in denial when they encounter information which contradicts their faith.

the less time a child spends with an absentee parent, the more he or she is likely to fantasize that things would be perfect if (a) mom and dad got back together, or (b) they could live with the OTHER parent.

how else to explain the unexpectedly large number of kids who "switch parents" in their tweens or teens, perhaps hoping for more freedom and understanding?

I agree with all four of your letters!

Yes, LW # 2, would rather keep a cheap horse's ass than to sleep alone. I've seen many women in the 30's and 40's lower their standards because "it's slim pickin's" or because "all the good men are taken". I put up with that crap when I was younger, but never again!

I think what the kid thinks about his mother depends on how long she's been out of the picture. At ten, it's quite possible that he does know, in the back of his mind, that he's probably going to be disappointed, but he's pretty young, and you're right, kids DO tend to idealize distant parents.

Its a harsh old life, isn't it? Eventually they'll figure out that, "Hey, if Mom cares about me so much, then where the hell was she when I ended up in traction after the car accident, or had to have my tonsils out...", or whatever crisis that a kid will go through.

The potential is there for a lot of anger in the long run. It could go either way, I guess, and there's nothing Dad or Stepmom can do about it, except to be the ones in his life that will ALWAYS keep their word.

That's right. Dad and stepmom are probably the only stabilizing factor in the kid's life. The mother is acting very immature about the entire thing. I agree with you that the father and (soon to be) stepmom shouldn't bail her out of the situation she made.

There is another thing that the LW needs to worry about when dealing with the ten year old. What will the birth mother tell him when she doesn't follow through with her promise? I would bet a mother that would make an empty promise like that would have no problem telling the kid that stepmom said he couldn't have one. It sounds like it could be an attempt to undermine her already since the LW and the father already told him he couldn't have a cell phone until he is 15.

That's why the father has to get on the stick and talk to the kid BEFORE his birthday. Dad already knows the phone isn't coming - he has to soften the blow and let Moronic Mommy take her lumps.

I don't envy the LWs situation here. Raising these kids is not going to be easy. Thankfully, of all the LWs this week, she has an ounce or two of common sense.

I'm kind of surprised someone isn't squawking at me for "mommy-bashing" yet...

I'm kind of surprised someone isn't squawking at me for "mommy-bashing" yet...

That's because that's no "mommy". You just don't do that to a child, period. I have two steps (both adult now) and they had that kind of mother. We did the best we could to undo the harm, but eventually, the kids know (I even defended her in front of the kids - she is their mother after all). We kept our promises, and they realized this as well.

When stepdaughter got married she asked me to help her dress - not her mother. I was flattered but really didn't think it was my place and told her so. She said it was me or no one - she wanted to spend that time with me. So I did it (her feelings are more important to me than her mother's, although I did feel bad for her mother). It was one of the best times we had together. Moral of the story - you get what you put out there.

Messy, I'll just join the chorus to say that all of these responses were really nicely done.

...but "nice"?

Cheezit, I'm liking my nasty reputation....

I wouldn't say you are being nasty. Just blunt and wise.

The child may or may not know, depending on how much covering up the parents have been doing. My dad was just like that...when I was 10 he promised me he'd take me to disney world and then told me he didn't have enough money. My mom made him tell me himself, and he was extremely apologetic. About a year later I found a picture of him and his girlfriend...at disney world. Luckily, my mom has always been completely honest with me about my dad's behavior, and has never covered up for him. I accepted it as part of his personality at an early... I just learned not to trust my father's words. Hopefully the LW can do the same with this boy...tell him his mother loves him, but sometimes she promises more than she can deliver. The earlier he learns this about his mother, the better.