I was very interested to read this article, since something similar is happening with our mom. She's been in an ALF since the fall and since she's 73 and still attractive/vibrant, she has received some male attention in her new environment. She was widowed four years ago and misses our dad terribly (the trauma caused her mental state to rapidly decline, to a point where she was hospitalized in September and deemed incapable of living independently).

A couple of months ago she glommed onto a male resident who is in the beginning stages of Alzheimers. While it is at times frustrating to have high school-level conversations with her about the fits and starts of their relationship and "interpreting" his behavior (he blows hot and cold, sometimes he's aloof), we are all very happy that she met someone. It's been a shot in the arm for her and while I don't think she understands at times that a "normal" kind of relationship with him is impossible, given their mental health, it has been nice for her to have the companionship. Like Dorothy and Bob, their courtship is curtailed by twice-daily meds rounds (i.e. no sleepovers) but our mom has alluded to some very passionate clinches and I love yous being exchanged.

Mom married at 20 and wasn't used to not having a man around. I know that a person with incipient dementia is not in the best emotional state to be involved romantically, but it's really not my business to stand between her and her beau, since they both care for one another and are adults. I was horrified by Bob's son's response and it was obvious that this was about HIS discomfort (reference to his dad's unwashed penis) more than anything. It's easy to think that people with dementia are sexless beings incapable of making important decisions or having linear thought patterns, but they're still human beings capable of emotion. The relationship between Dorothy and Bob should have been allowed to reach its own natural conclusion.

I get that sex at that age can be perilous if someone has a heart condition, and I understand that an ALF/nursing home doesn't want that kind liability. On the other hand, there are worse ways for a 95 year old guy to go than to be getting a blowjob. I think it's clear that the relationship was consensual and unless it put either resident in danger, people should have just let them be. The idea of geriatrics having sex squicks people out but it's unfortunate that the "ick factor" caused Dorothy and Bob to be split apart.

I absolutely agree with you. If you ask most people what they consider the best circumstance under which to die, they would say peacefully in their sleep, or while having sex. I'd certainly rather have my dad die of sex than cancer!

Pleasure in life is so fleeting, let the elderly have what little they can!

A family friend died while on holiday with her new lover. She had been divorced late in life, and was enjoying a passionate love affair. Apparently, she and her boyfriend had had too much to drink at dinner and their car went off a steep embankment. As tragic as it sounds, I reckon it wasn't a bad way to go. She was happy, in love, death was probably very quick and painless, and she had lived a full life. She was spared the indignities of a nursing home or the agony of slow death from cancer or advanced age.

Oh, this article made me all teary, thinking of my own mother's experience in an Alzheimer's ward the last year of her life. She walked the halls constantly. On one visit, I saw that a gentleman joined her in her walks. The duty nurse said that he had recently lost his wife, and that he and Mom had struck of some sort of connection. Sadly, not long thereafter, his family moved him to another facility. Why do families get so strange about their parents doing what humans do naturally? I can't imagine having denied my mother in the last year of her life something she would have loved doing earlier in her life. How incredibly small-minded and mean to do that to anyone.

"On the other hand, there are worse ways for a 95 year old guy to go than to be getting a blowjob."

I suspect, if asked, most men would say that at 95 (or any age, really) that's the BEST way to go. We've all gotta die -- might as well have a happen ending, ya know?

If he didn't want to see his dad in a sexual situation maybe he should have done him the courtesy of knocking on the door. Everyone deserves to have their privacy respected.

aug8girl:

Oh, this article made me all teary, thinking of my own mother's experience in an Alzheimer's ward the last year of her life. She walked the halls constantly. On one visit, I saw that a gentleman joined her in her walks. The duty nurse said that he had recently lost his wife, and that he and Mom had struck of some sort of connection. Sadly, not long thereafter, his family moved him to another facility. Why do families get so strange about their parents doing what humans do naturally? I can't imagine having denied my mother in the last year of her life something she would have loved doing earlier in her life. How incredibly small-minded and mean to do that to anyone.

I'm so sorry to hear about that!

I was the last in my family to find out about our mom's budding romance. My mom waited to tell me because she thought I'd expected her to stay "loyal" to our father, given that I was very close to him. But I was delighted that she had been given a second chance at happiness (if what she told me was true!), and told her so. I guess sometimes family members DO see this as an act of betrayal - i.e. "how could you ever love someone else after being with Mom/Dad for 50 years?" but the plain truth is, people get lonely! And at that age, they're not looking for marriage, kids and the white picket fence...they want companionship.

I hope children/loved ones aren't worried about gold-digging. Good grief, there are legal ways to protect the assets of a mentally-compromised parent and that shouldn't even be a concern. I think, too, adult children get into the mindset of how a parent "should" behave at a certain age, forgetting that there's nothing rational about dementia.

Oy vey. I'm assuming that given the age of Bob's dad, Bob himself must be a senior citizen, or close to. I'm hoping that with each subsequent generation people get a little less uptight about the elderly and their emotional needs.

I could never have treated either of my parents with such disrespect for their basic human rights - including the right to love and to be loved. What kind of horrid reeking monster would behave as Bob's son did?

I'm convinced there is a special place in Hell already reserved for this ungrateful, disrespecful, hateful, sorry excuse for a son and human being.

I strongly recommend the movie "Away from Her," which, like the article, deals with two elderly people with Alzheimer's who fall in love in an assisted living facility.

Not only is the situation handled delicately, but Julie Christie as the elderly woman is superb.

The idea that love and sex are human rights is interesting to me. Assuming that the couple would not be allowed to legally get married (and thus put the son's inheritance at risk) the only danger appears to be that either the man or the woman is not in a position to consent.

Obviously most people would want their parents to have companionship, love and even pleasure in their waning years. I just wonder how this relates to children or other mentally disabled adults having sex. Can two 17-year-olds decide to have sex for love, companionship and pleasure reasons? What are a parent's rights in that case? Who has a right to sex?

I am blogging about family policy in different countries for a class here.

I don't think this case relate to the right to sex for minors at all. Elderlies suffering from dementia don't have anything to lose, and on the same token, don't really have any meaningful consequence to face. Who gives a shit about consent as long as they're happy? It's just that people worry about "face"and their own benefits too much, that they think they have the right to interfere for the sake of "righteousness". On the other hand, by law, minors can't really take responsibility for their decision to have sex because they don't have the means to back them up, and their actions do have a significant consequence to their and others' lives. However, I don't think it's up to their parents either. Of course parents should teach their kids not to have casual sex, but then it'll be too controlling for parents to forbid them to make certain decisions. It'll be like parents picking their kids' major in college.

hollyjfox:

The idea that love and sex are human rights is interesting to me. Assuming that the couple would not be allowed to legally get married (and thus put the son's inheritance at risk) the only danger appears to be that either the man or the woman is not in a position to consent.

Obviously most people would want their parents to have companionship, love and even pleasure in their waning years. I just wonder how this relates to children or other mentally disabled adults having sex. Can two 17-year-olds decide to have sex for love, companionship and pleasure reasons? What are a parent's rights in that case? Who has a right to sex?

I am blogging about family policy in different countries for a class here.

Everyone. Unless you'd like YOUR life to come under scrutiny, don't you dare shine your hypocritical judgment on anyone else.

17 year-olds ARE allowed to have sex, and NO, their parents have no say in the matter.

Deal with it or move to the Middle East, where your thought process is encouraged. Remember to bring a stick to beat your children with.

I appreciate this article as I am confronting this issue with my father as well. My dad developed early onset alzheimer's - he is only 61 and very lonely. He talks all the time about wanting a girlfriend. I don't know how to help him with this... I worry because of his condition (who/how could he meet) - but also understand that this human connection could elevate his mood significantly. Currently he lives on his own and in every retirement/assisted living facility we have visited, the crowd is much older - making it harder to meet people his own age. This is an issue that is not frequently dicussed - so I enjoyed reading about how other people - positively or negatively - react to this situation.

aristonice:

I guess sometimes family members DO see this as an act of betrayal - i.e. "how could you ever love someone else after being with Mom/Dad for 50 years?" but the plain truth is, people get lonely!

I've told my husband that if he goes first, I have every intention of dating again, and perhaps remarrying. I also told him I expect him to do the same if I go first.

It's hard to remain loyal to a memory, when you need real, human companionship.

The sad thing about sex in our modern world is you are only allowed to have sex if you are in your 20s or 30s and less than a size 6 if female and medium if male. Don't be too young, too old, too fat or ugly. You don't deserve love and pleasure.

Bob's son should be ashamed of himself. What a turd of a human being. How selfish - to deny his own father (and a good woman!) a small bit of pleasure before passing. Health concerns? I HOPE I AM SO LUCKY AS TO DIE WHILE GETTING A NICE BEEJ! Bob's son is so sanctimonious. Makes me sick. I wish I could be there when he takes his turn, dying alone, denied any pleasure before his passing.